Reorienting

As Instagram became a more popular app, my longer-form blogging here suddenly became micro-blogging there. This busy Mama rejoiced as Chatbooks allowed my memories to be automatically printed, bound, and shipped each time I reach 60 posts--and in the short term my 'documenting family life for posterity' box was checked. 

Now that my children are old enough to drive and handle more of their own daily responsibilities, I am catching my breath. In doing so I have started to realize the gaps of the quick 'insta' posting. Much like a person who changes their diet from fast, cheap, and easy eating to slower, heartier, more nutritious meals, I am learning to digest. 

As my focus shifts away from instantly posting a thought to the world and towards more thoughtful reflection (and because there isn't always a snazzy photo to accompany the things God is really teaching me) I am interested in wading back into these blogging waters. We shall see if it sticks!

A quick list of recent reads and listens that are most influencing my reflection right now:

1. The Wisdom Pyramid by Brett McCracken:  I started this in November and have been slowly working my way through because it demands digestion. His words are clear and wise--and countercultural. If you are sometimes an audible listening, this is one I recommend you get a hard copy to mark up. So many solid points. I cannot recommend it enough.

2. I removed the Instagram app icon from my phone. I still have the application and check it a few times a day--but I learned by doing this with Facebook and Twitter a couple of years ago how drastically it reduces your lost time to simply make yourself have to type the app name instead of a simple click. That couple of seconds it takes to type the name are often all I need to pause and ask myself if there's a better use of my time. I am not anti-social media--I just want to keep it in its proper place and I had gotten out of balance. Turns out, guardrails are my friend! The time I spend mindlessly scrolling the app have been drastically reduced.

And can I admit something? It turns out I like people in my real life much better than online images--real face-to-face conversations and phone calls make me feel far more connected and known than glimpses into curated highlights ever did. 

Also, the algorithms had gotten VERY good at spotting my taste. I am certain reducing those direct ads has saved me money! ;-)

 

3. Memorizing Romans 12. I confess I haven't worked on Scripture memory in a very long time. Slowly working through a passage one verse at a time has filled my mind with new perspective. So many phrases floating around my head, straight from Scripture that come to mind throughout my daily life. Always a good thing.

4. My small group read and discussed Jeannie Cunnion's Don't Miss Out in the Fall and plans to dive into Never Alone (also by Jeannie) next. Both of these resources have been excellent reminders that it is not up to me to control every outcome. 

I am truly learning how to reorient my achiever, checklist, efficiency mindset to be more focused on trusting the work of the Lord and joining Him where He is. I am significant, but He is sovereign. 

The tendency here at the end of the "parenting them under your roof" phase can be frenetic--like contestants on a cooking show dashing against the clock to throw on garnishes. You can only do so much to cover. I do not want that to be the focus of our last 18 months together--and for my personality type, that means constantly dying to my tendencies.

As I heard Jeannie say on the Raising Boys and Girls podcast: "Lay down what God hasn't asked you to carry so you can thrive in what He has."

So, here it is, a public proclamation that I am trying. ;-)

Parenting Teens in a Pandemic

Since my teens returned to school I have been rapidly consuming adolescent development, Christian parenting, and positive mental health resources through books, podcasts, articles, and conversations with trusted people.

Here are a few that have spoken the most to me this week: 

Love Her Well by Kari Kampakis

Java with Judi podcast (a ministry of Authentic Intimacy)

All About Boys podcast by David Thomas (based on his book, Wild Things: The Art of Nurturing Boys)

The 2020 Back-to-School List for Teens' Emotional Well-Being by Dr. Lisa D'Amour

As a result, I have a few reflections: 

1. One of the things teenagers value most is honesty and authenticity. Being able to honestly say to my people, "I have never done this before...I am learning right along with you," seems like a great place to start in maintaining my credibility with them. It invites grace with integrity. 

"Whereas you cannot provide certainty, you must provide clarity. Parents, leaders, influencers, mayors, senators, you can be uncertain! You can be uncertain but you cannot afford to be unclear. Our mandate, as leaders, is to be clear even when things are not certain. Clarity is honest and clarity, as we're gonna discover, is enough. And here's why I say that; clarity is actually perceived as leadership. Clarity is actually experienced as leadership. Clarity, in the midst of uncertainty, creates its own influence, its own momentum." - Andy Stanley, sermon "Leading with Clarity"

2. While much is written about the challenges of those virtually/hands-on homeschooling little ones-- and the parents doing this have my deepest empathy-- sending my adolescents back out into the world after a cozy bonus few months in the nest has its own unique set of considerations. 

I have been hovering over them trying to make this COVID season special and safe for five months. Developmentally, this is the time when my teens really should be individuating--learning important and lasting lessons socially--and finding their footing with budding independence. COVID precautions stunted that growth. 

“The work of mothering a son is mostly about stepping aside with precise timing. I want my sons, both of them, to learn from me that they are free to be rooted in home and still be abroad in the world as men." Gina Bria, The Art of Family

My introvert is thrilled to have excuses to retreat to online games and forums, my extrovert has to negotiate with us over the risks and precautions for every planned outing, and my teen that hasn't found their social footing is struggling with how to do so in these unusual times. How do you make new friends and form an intimate group when groups aren't allowed? 

In normal 16-year-old circumstances, youth leaders would be present as healthy and trusted voices to navigate these decisions. A typical sophomore year of high school would present many social opportunities to develop these skills. Alas, this is 2020 where developmental and mental health concerns must be weighed against community health risks and mandates. It is exhausting!

3. After a 3am wrestling match with the Lord and my worries this morning, I feel like I left with a mantra:

• Parent with the LONG VIEW in mind...character, faith, foundational truth...not just behavior management.  
• LISTEN and LOVE more than lecturing. Now more than ever, home should be a safe place.
• Let the Lord have His way in His time with the hearts of these His children. He loves them more than I do. He sees the big picture and the deepest places in their hearts. I can trust Him. 

I still have so much to learn, but I am grateful for what the Lord is revealing to me and how He is growing me in this process. I hope some of these lessons are encouraging to you as well. 

“Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don’t get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes." Matthew 6:34 MSG

One day at a time. 

Half Baked Turkeys // A Middle School Mom Manifesto

Several years ago we were facing a big decision regarding schools. Our three children were at a wonderful Montessori school, but one of them was in great need of more structure. Because I didn't want to be on two separate calendars with three same-aged children, we decided to enroll the entire trio in a new school for Kindergarten.

A beloved, talented (sometimes serious and stern) teacher called me in to discuss our decision. She implored me to consider leaving them at the school for one more year, as Montessori follows a three year cycle and our children were only finishing primary year two. I explained my reasoning to her in great detail. She shook her head disapprovingly and lobbed a metaphor at me that keeps reappearing in my parenting journey.

"Imagine you invited me over for Thanksgiving lunch, but I arrived an hour early and demanded to eat the turkey right then. How would you feel? You would insist it wasn't ready yet. A half-baked turkey isn't ready to be served and is not a fair indicator of the final product had the recipe been followed."

The metaphor was powerful, but almost a decade later I giggle at her insinuation that a 5 year old would be remotely close to "finished."

My heart is currently in a trying season with three middle school students. As their 14th birthday approaches, I hear the clock ticking toward the time when we will launch them into the world. I am tempted to panic at how some current weaknesses might play out in adulthood. I honestly have never sought to produce perfect children, but I can fall into a worry cycle about temptations and challenges that may lead to particularly painful consequences later in life.

There is real tension between how often/to what severity I allow them to fail and how frequently/to what degree I intervene with corrective coaching and protectiveness. It is further complicated by the fact that each child, while the same age, is so different. There is no blanket answer.

And, oh the temptation to look around at other parents' turkeys-in-progress and compare!

I read a great post earlier this week that reminded me our children are MEANT to be unfinished--it is the very nature of childhood. Furthermore, as a Christian, I am reminded through my own daily journey that I am still quite unfinished at 43. This life is a refining process.

So, parents, how shall we cope as we mind the kitchens where all these young turkeys are roasting?

1. Pray.  Pray that fear will not be your motivator.  Ask God to give you peace, clarity, and wisdom to sift through the small stuff and focus on their hearts. I am really enjoying this resource from Jodi Berndt, chock full of Bible verses written as fill-in-the-blank prayers for specific issues my kids are facing. By seeking to look at all through the lens of Scripture, my heart is being refocused on what surface issues to let go.

2. Seek wisdom. In this information age, there is an abundance of excellent child and adolescent development information in the form of podcasts and books. I am particularly fond of these two recent reads: Are My Kids on Track?  and Untangled. Both offer needed and informed perspective on the growth going on in our kids and why each phase is necessary. Next on my list: Boys Adrift and Like Dew Your Youth.

In addition to the topical resources, it is important to stay rooted in the Word. God's promises are timeless, full of hope and also serve as reminders that imperfect, half-baked people have always been used by the Lord to accomplish His Will.

3. Encourage. Being a Mom of adolescents can be so lonely. Our image-conscious society makes it difficult (and often inappropriate) to broadcast the challenges our growing children are really facing. Growing up is messy. No one's kids are as perfect as they may appear. Everyone is fighting some sort of battle. The least we can do as parents is treat each other with kindness. Look for opportunities to chat with other parents--let down your guard a little. Offer encouragement. Let's stop judging each other's kitchen while meal prep is still in progress and definitely stop comparing each other's half-baked turkeys.

4. Breathe.  This is a journey. Take a long view and pace yourself. Riding the waves of every high and low is exhausting and non-productive. You aren't perfect and your kids won't be either--but there is a purpose in their lives and yours...not just 'one day' but NOW. Cling to faith and trust God to guide you and your children.

Don't get so 'project focused' you lose personhood--theirs or yours.

And, importantly, don't forget to laugh and enjoy this crazy ride. (Oh, the stories I will one day be able to tell...)

PS. I wrote this as not as one who claims to have it all figured out, but rather as a mini-sermon to myself because I have to refocus constantly!

A Bike Grease Gospel

Last week I started Ann Voskamp's newest book, The Broken Way. As is my preference, I was listening on Audible during my solo car time and while performing otherwise mindless chores around the house. When I realized I had already clipped and noted 6-7 things in the first three chapters, I pressed pause until I could get a physical copy to mark up. My daily household chores now have me listening with the hardcover book and a pen nearby.

In the book, Ann describes how she started drawing a small cross on her wrist in ink every day as a reminder to die daily to self as Christ laid down his own life for us. I did it one morning last week and was surprised to find how often during the day that small inky cross served as a touchstone, perspective shift, and a Gospel reminder. While I am not prone to ritual, something about this practice really resonated with me.

For the last 7-8 days I have taken a moment in the morning to quietly re-commit myself to the Lord and then scribbled a rudimentary cross--two lines across my veiny wrist as a simple act of remembrance.

Tuesday morning I rose earlier than usual to prepare for the day. We were all dragging a bit as a result of being up late for Trick or Treating and my husband coming, going and taking phone calls into the wee hours with call night responsibilities. My children had projects due, presentations to make, and I had a couple of important events scheduled. After dropping them at school I had only 25 minutes to regroup before a coffee with a new foster parent who was struggling and in need of a listening ear. Immediately following that meeting I was leading a small group Bible study in my home before a friend was coming by to help me with another project.

Just as I walked back in the house to breathe, mark my wrist and shift into adult/ministry mode, I received a call from the school. On the other end of the line was my Kate.
"Mom, I forgot I needed my bike today. Could you bring it?"

Kate is a very responsible 12-year-old who packs her own gear, thinks ahead and never makes these rescue phone calls. This was not really a judgment call about teaching her a lesson, it was about me.

My mind flooded with all the important things I had to do. I glanced at the clock and did some quick math. I could rush and make it happen. But my attitude was poor as I was already in 'real clothes' and did not want to deal with putting a cumbersome rack on my car and getting filthy as I loaded a dirty mountain bike.

I grumbled internally as a decided to skip the rack and manhandle the bike into the back of my Suburban. I had to climb around inside, lowering seats and do some pushing and pulling to make it happen. One of the tires left a 3-inch black scuff on my beige interior. I sighed in annoyance.

Hopping in the SUV I cranked the ignition with my right hand and noticed there was no cross on my upturned wrist. I had intended to do that during my precious few minutes of quiet regrouping. Instead, I was wrestling a dirty bike so my child could participate in a special mountain biking elective.

As I put the car in reverse and turned the steering wheel sharply to the left I saw it. Just as my right wrist was clean, my left wrist bore dark marks--not the inky cross I have taken to wearing, but dark smudges of bike grease.

I couldn't help but chuckle. And immediately a quote from Chapter Five came to mind:

"Love gives, and huge acts to try to make someone happy don't make anyone as hugely happy as simply doing small acts to make someone feel loved. It's strange how that is, everybody wants to change the world, but nobody wants to do the small thing that makes just one person feel loved."
-Ann Voskamp

And there is was--truth come to life.

I left that bike grease there on my wrist all day. I didn't need to draw one in ink, because God had brought me a real life imprint to remind me that we don't get to pick the neat, planned acts of love. Daily surrender requires being available for the smaller, messier, more inconvenient ones. Truly, these moments are the ones that matter most.

I made those two planned appointments--serving orphans and Bible study (about walking in love, no less)--but delivering that greasy bike was undoubtably the most important thing I did all day.

A Real Life Sunday Morning

Today started with such potential.

I woke up without an alarm before everyone else in the house (a minor miracle considering how much I like to sleep) and had a whole hour alone to sip coffee and finish the book that I've been lost in for days. Buoyed by the incredible, redemptive plot of Francine Rivers' Mark of the Lion series my heart was pondering how God really is in everything...how His Plan is often a slow unfurling...how we need to keep our perspective and not get sucked into circumstances.

As each child stumbled downstairs, the aroma of bacon mixed with coffee hung in the air. Like I said, the morning had such potential.

Then we realized we didn't have enough milk to make pancakes...or to fill cereal bowls...and the snowball of Sunday morning chaos was set into motion. I forgot something I needed for my Sunday School lesson. A boy's dress shoe was declared missing as we were hurrying to load--launching an all out family search throughout the house for almost 5 minutes--which made us late. I wish I had handled it like Mary Poppins, with creativity and joy. But back here in real life, anxiety, more contagious than a stomach bug in our home, quickly spread. Its symptoms were blame, snappiness and tears.

At the stop light halfway to church my husband glanced down at my coffee cup precariously balancing on my cup holder and quipped, "You know that is going to spill this morning too, right. Have you prepared yourself?"

When we made it the short 4 minute drive to our church parking lot I realized I had not yet managed to put on my make up. My ADD child burst into tears because he had forgotten to take his medication--or to eat his breakfast (a bad combo for our already frazzled kiddo.) My husband and I did a quick tour around the Sunday School classes--surely we could round up a doughnut or a biscuit. But, alas, we are Presbyterian not Baptist ;) and there were no breakfast foods to be found. 

As the call to worship began I sent my husband and 4/5 of our brood to be settled into the service while I took P on a quick ride to a convenience store a few blocks away for peanut butter crackers and a breather. A minor skirmish occurred with another child on the way out. He didn't want to stay at church and laid out his case for why he should be allowed to come with us. He did not take my answer well and continued to plead. Through clenched teeth and with a threat of docking his allowance I sent him back into the service. As he turned to walk away I watched the look on a deacon's face a few feet away. At first I thought he was trying to see if I needed back up, but realized he may have been observing to see if my son did.  

As I cranked the car P said, "Can you turn on some Christian music, Mom? We need it."

I exhaled a slight smile and heeded his request, knocking over the coffee cup in the process, wondering why my flesh falls for this so often. My heart soaring on heavenly thoughts, eternal perspective, godly pursuits and then something as insignificant as a lost shoe becomes a pinprick to my hope & joy-filled balloon. I crash from the serenity and peace of a 50,000 foot view to being lost in the weeds over such silly things. A reminder of how fickle the human nature can be!

Real life means running out of milk, children losing shoes, and far more challenging, anxiety-producing circumstances. But faith means knowing THIS is not all there is. Yes, we must handle our business here, but I pray we remember to cling to our perspective in the process. 

We found the shoe. We were right on time for church. I rounded up what I needed for the Sunday School lesson. The hungry belly was fed and back in the service by the announcements. I bought two gallons of milk after lunch. 

In the grand scheme of life...these were all such little things. What mattered most was my heart response and, frankly, it needs some work.

My favorite part of our Western vacation this Summer was the views.

The world is breathtaking from the right perspective. Weeds, potholes, and other minor defects blur into a beautiful landscape, not in spite of but because of the texture and depth they add. And so it is with this life. What seems overwhelming up close is awe-inspiring with a little bit of distance. 

While I wish I could invent a drone type machine that would suck me back up from the muck and the mire to a perspective that is always serene--I know I have something more reliable: the availability of the Holy Spirit at a moment's notice through the mere whisper of His name.

Most of us gird ourselves for the big chapters of life--the devastating phone calls, the major losses and life changes. It's inspiring to watch people rise to the occasion and be champions of the faith. But may we not forget that we are called to be faithful in even the little things. 

Yes, our children learn about having a real personal relationship with God from sermons, music and Sunday School--but they get to examine its authenticity in OUR lives through things like lost shoes and anxiety-riddled mornings.  Lord, I pray, you will meet me there and pull me out, bearing YOUR fruit of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control. 

Tomorrow is a new day.

Because Long Division is Life

There is a word that strikes fear among the hearts of students and parents alike. It is the source of great emotion in homes across this nation each evening. It interrupts our notions of 'family time,' ruins many dreams of Rockwellian dinner scenes and leads to breakdowns in both adults and children.  It is homework.

I believe in letting my children do their own work. I try not to nag or hover. I seek instead to create an environment and a schedule that allows for adequate time and space for work to be completed independently and be on hand for clarification or feedback.

And yet, there are vocabulary pages, technological hiccups and most recently...long division. 

Last night as K was struggling with 'not getting' her Math, I looked into her face and saw my own. I could completely remember the frustration Math assignments often brought to my academic life. I wanted to curse Math with her until I considered the beauty of learning to do hard things early on...and, seriously, can we just pause to praise the Lord that her 'hard things' are Math assignments not the litany of other things some children her age around the world have already had to face.

It's not cancer or molestation or divorce or terror or hunger or ebola or the loss of a parent. It's long division. And I get the chance to cheer her on and encourage her as she tackles this hard thing at 10 years old, hoping and praying this will be a relatively painless building block God uses as she works her way up to countless other hard things in life.

We can dismiss homework as a stupid interruption or we can see it as a tremendous opportunity to work together on perseverence and problem solving. (Some days I'm better about this than others.) This is part of real life. Frustrating, inconvenient, challenging.  

Tonight she had second thoughts about a commitment she made to run in an elementary cross country meet Friday. The timing means she will miss all the Halloween festivities at school, which have historically been very enjoyable to her. But weeks ago she committed and now she wants to drop out. This isn't a major life decision--and yet, it is a wonderful, safe opportunity for her to learn about keeping her word, being honest, and thoughtfully choosing 'best yeses.'

Her Dad & I listened to her. We offered our opinions. Then we let her email the coach & prayed God would give her strength to honor whatever they decided.

As a parent, I have a choice. I can try to remove all the 'hard' things in her life--which again, mercifully at this point are pretty small in the grand scheme of things--or I can listen, counsel, pray and let her work through some age-appropriate life lessons at 10 that God will use to strengthen her and embolden her for what is to come.

Frankly, the desire to remove all the obstacles in our loved ones' lives is a false hope. We cannot protect our children from every danger, threat or bad choice. Attempts to do so make us feel courageous, but can communicate that we believe our children are weak, untrustworthy or unable to make solid decisions. 

God is leading us through a changing parental season. I feel him urging us to guide, direct and encourage a deepening faith that truly trusts God and His voice in their gut. 

It is so tempting to keep the reigns. Letting go means risking embarrassment, relinquishing control. Honestly, I like to rescue. It feels good for her to still need me...but increasingly, this is not the best long term parental strategy.

It will be hard for my children to recognize their need for Savior when I am busy trying to fill that role.

I feel peace tonight that these are places where God is telling me to back off and give Him some space to show Himself as real and relevant in K's life..

So I pray, exhale and loosen my grip a bit more, trusting that He has got her (and me.)


**Before the comments turn into a debate about the merits of homework, I acknowledge some types of assignments are more beneficial than others. My point really was about the temptation to remove all 'struggle' from our kids lives. 

The Gifts of Kindness & Grace at Home

*I accidentally deleted this post from last night. This is a repost.*

"He's not the person I married."
"Kids changed things."
"I feel like I don't know him anymore."
"There is just a distance."

I have had this heart-wrenching conversation many times in the last couple of years as marital problems changed from something people my parents' age discussed in hushed tones to being a personally relevant topic for my friends. Hours have been spent over coffee or phone lines trying to dissect where things got off track and how to resurrect them.

And here's what I realize at mid life: my husband isn't the man I married any more than I am the woman he married. Of course we aren't.  Life is dynamic. People grow, change and are marked by circumstances. It is a fact of life. We can allow this truth to divide or have it unite, encourage and push 'us' in a new and different direction. We pledged for better or for worse--not for 'same.'

I adore my husband and am incredibly grateful for all he is to our family, but life is busy and we are both tired. He spends his days focused on the needs of patients and demands that are constantly being put on him. I often feel like I've spent all day "on call' serving our family and performing mindnumbing household tasks.

What both of us want at the end of the day is to collapse into a little kindness. If we both enter the evening wrapped up in our own pity parties of how tired we are, with an expectation that the other needs to serve us or give us some space--trouble will brew. In many ways home can be the hardest place to show grace. Especially when we retreat there to have our own needs met and collide into the reality of people who need us back.

Increasingly I am realizing that the secret to relationships that last are the little things. It seems like such an oversimplification of the complexities of relationships, but as I read this article from The Atlantic on kindness and generosity in marriage, science reinforced what our faith teaches us about focusing on others. When we strive to believe the best--and respond to the little cues we get from one another--both partners are happier. As Glennon Melton says, "Somebody's got to pour that first glass..."

Frankly, on long Summer days with kids, I have learned this method of choosing love works wonders too. Freely given. Unearned. Breathing deeply and deciding to respond in love when I don't particularly feel like it. It is grace.

"I am on your team."
"I like you."
"Can I help?"
"I am glad we get to be in the same family."
"I'm sorry."

Kindness is highly effective on the toughest adolescent personality in my home. We can lock horns like rams and exhaust ourselves getting nowhere or I can inhale, pray and do the hard thing: love instead of fight. I am amazed at the results. Our kids have hearts like ours--looking for acceptance no matter what.

Crossing battle lines instead of drawing them...it's the way God loves us. When we 'get' that--allowing ourselves to be moved and changed--we will be more willing to pour grace out on those around us.

It's how I want to be treated--better than I deserve. It is what I want my heart, life and home to be marked by--and I am learning that this kind of love reaps its own beautiful reward.

The View from the Hill

"Get over your hill and see what you find there, with grace in your heart and flowers in your hair." -Mumford & Sons, After the Storm 

I am a few months away from rolling over the hill of 40--and I confess I am loving this stage of life. The view from the hill offers perspective. Small things fade away as the bigger picture emerges. As a lover of lessons and meaning, I'm relishing this season in which God is teaching me a lot about what really matters--and sifting out a lot of junk in my heart that is just sucking up life, space and energy that can be spent on other things. He is teaching me the beauty of letting go.

I am especially learning a great deal about forgiveness and grace. Much like Charles Dickens' ghosts of Christmas past, present and future, I have been dealing afresh with hurts from various seasons of my life. The last couple of months have brought me a precious, heartfelt apology from an old friend regarding a hurt that God had used time and perspective to completely heal. There has also been an overdue conversation about decades old family drama, a recognition that a deep regret of mine cannot be reconciled in this life--only forgiven and redeemed by God and a rebirth of a friendship that had been abandoned due to misunderstanding and shame. And perhaps most difficult, this has all been leading me to a slow change of heart about a more recent offense that has cost us a great deal.

As I have been walking through all of this I came across an amazing article about forgiveness and reconciliation that brought even more healing and perspective. It is a process. I am not there yet...but I am being reminded over and over again that making everything in this life a battle is exhausting, draining and unhealthy. 

Our VBS theme this week came from 1 Corinthians 13. I love the fresh take on familiar words from the Message translation.

"No matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I’m bankrupt without love.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have.
Love doesn’t strut,
Doesn’t have a swelled head,
Doesn’t force itself on others,
Isn’t always “me first,”
Doesn’t fly off the handle,
Doesn’t keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn’t revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.

Love never gives up.

Love never dies...understanding will reach its limit. We know only a portion of the truth, and what we say about God is always incomplete. But when the Complete arrives, our incompletes will be canceled.

... We don’t yet see things clearly. We’re squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won’t be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We’ll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us!

But for right now, until that completeness, we have three things to do to lead us toward that consummation: Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly. And the best of the three is love." 

We love not because people have earned it. 
Not because we feel like it. 
Not because we want to. 
Not because it's easy.
We love because He first loved us...and because it really is the best, most life giving way to live. 

Giving vs Being Taken

"...there is a difference between giving something and having it taken from you. If you still count the things that you lost with resentment, then you did not give them. You need to let go of those things that you no longer have...Let go of that list. Lay them down. Give them freely. Don't count them as stolen." - Rachel Jankovic, Fit to Burst

I read this passage a couple of weeks ago and its implications have seeped into many parts of my life.
The concept is straightforward, but the challenge is deep. I had never thought about serving others quite so simply. In motherhood, marriage, friendship, work, ministry...am I really giving of myself or am I feeling taken?

When I am feeling frustrated at home or in other areas of my life it is astounding how often it comes back to this truth. I didn't really give that. I feel like my service/kindness/time was robbed.

In this world that tells us to fight for ourselves and look out for number one the Lord tells us He will fight for us--and that the One we follow took on the nature of a servant.


I am still working through how this looks practically in my life. I have a long way to go--so even baby steps of progress will be good. But this I know: I don't want to walk through life feeling wronged, used, stolen from or taken advantage of...No, I want the joy that comes from generous living.

The Lord hasn't called us to be martyrs. He's called us to a life of love and generosity. Let's stop counting the cost and keeping score and be free.

A Powerful Question

Yesterday afternoon my friend Lauren sent a post to me that was both timely and challenging. The subject of this particular piece by Andy Stanley was 'mutual submission' within the family and the powerful bonds that come from serving one another in love. I've considered all of this in marriage, but frankly, never thought about it specifically relating to our children as well.

As my children grow older and my time with them becomes more scarce, I feel a renewed sense of insuring that the atmosphere and attitude in my home is one that fills them up and trains them for the world in which they live. Partially out of necessity and also as a result of the way my parents raised me, I have long valued teaching my children how to do things for themselves.

I have worked so hard over the years to raise children who are capable, responsible and independent that I fear sometimes I've gotten a little out of balance. Some of this has been driven by necessity--triplets = three against one...Mama needed people to learn how to do some things for themselves. Honestly, it was also about my pride of 'not being a slave' and my fear of raising entitled children who believe everyone is here to meet their needs. Clearly, pride and fear are not what I want to shape my parenting strategies.

Many years ago a counselor suggested to me that I had categorized people/relationships as either independent or codependent. He cautioned that by doing so I had missed the wide and wonderful category of interdependence--loving and serving one another--that characterized the body of Christ. He was right...and apparently in parenthood I have started to fall into that trap again.

I want to model an attitude of service to them. And while my husband & I have made this a priority to people outside our home--I haven't specifically targeted this lesson inside our home.

Perhaps this is why Andy's words were so convicting:
"The message of mutual submission is, I’m here for you. The assumption of mutual submission is, You are of no less value than me. The question mutual submission asks is, What can I do to help?"
-Andy Stanley

"Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ." Ephesians 5:21

Last night, inspired by these thoughts, I issued a challenge to each member of our family: Find two times each day you can ask this question to another member of our family: "What can I do for you?"

Because my personal craftiness consists of sticky notes and Sharpies, I jotted the phrase down and attached it to a canvas my uber crafty friend, Cabell had given me months ago. Sitting in my kitchen window, this is a perfect combo and God-honoring daily challenge!

Over coffee this morning I was already worrying that my children will try to pull a "Do my homework" answer out to test the boundaries of this new movement. You can imagine how my heart smiled when R walked up, put his arm around me and said: "What can I do for you, Mom?"

>melt<

I pray this attitude will take root in our home--and grow legs that extend far beyond it.

The Fluctuation

Friday morning I woke up and felt a little embarrassed about my post from Thursday night. It was a new morning. The weekend had arrived. I was feeling perky not sappy. There was a temptation to amend my post to reflect "Don't worry about me. I have it back under control."

It's a danger of communicating. We speak the words. We write the sentiment. We post the status. When we do those things authentically it is akin to advertising 'where we are' emotionally--for better or for worse. And if you are anything like me, there can be a great deal of inconsistency when my moods/thoughts/feelings are viewed as snapshots rather than as an evolving process.

I read a quote a couple of weeks ago that continues to resonate in my heart:

"Our soul fluctuates between thoughts and feelings we don't like and thoughts and feelings we do like, and we don't like those fluctuations... We try to stop that swing because our soul's fluctuations are unpleasant to us and it seems as if God wants us to stop them. We think that Christian Maturity is getting that swing under control.

"God designed us at the soul level to be capable of feeling and thinking things that are contrary to the spirit reality. Why? Because that is the only way we can learn to live by faith out of who we really are and who He really is, rather than out of appearances."
~The Rest of the Gospel, Dan Stone & Greg Smith

'Having it all together" was never promised as a fruit of the Spirit. Although I consider myself fairly emotionally stable there remains inconsistency with what I profess to believe and the thoughts that can plague me. That gap is a powerful tool for shame in the hands of my soul's Enemy. I can be taunted into a corner...muted from testifying to the goodness of God by a fear that someone will discover the lack of goodness in me.

I loved this reminder from Stone & Smith that this fluctuation is actually a tool for my Savior to remind me of my desperate need for Him.

I love the way Emily Freeman summed this thought process up in Grace for the Good Girl:
"We don't have to figure out the whys and the origins of every swinging emotion." (Praise God for that!!!)

She continues, "But it is so important that we realize they are there. To embrace the color and fullness of our un-fine state is to open wide enough to receive compassion and grace. Only then will we be able to offer that same compassion and grace to others in honest and authentic ways."

I'm not Ok. I don't have it together. But I am loved by the One who IS and DOES. And that truth is more than enough for me.

Tired of Acting

There are only two classes per grade in our elementary school. As a result we have a sort of rotation system with our trio, allowing each child to be in class without any siblings once every three years. This year, P is flying solo while K & R are in a class together. Their teacher, Mr. M, is notorious for instilling respect and chivalry in his young charges. As a mother who values treating others well, I have looked forward to this year. My son, however, seems to be experiencing some adjustments.

Wednesday night we were out to dinner as a family with a friend of ours. At one point when sassiness reared its head in young R, my husband asked him to "straighten up and behave like a gentleman."

R responded with an outburst of frustrated tears, "I have to act like a gentleman ALL DAY at school. I cannot come home and act like a gentleman here too. There are so many rules. I am TIRED of being a gentleman!"

And as I witnessed a nine year old mini-breakdown I found myself identifying with his feelings.

I get tired of 'acting' like a Christian lady sometimes. I don't always want to respond with patience and peace or be concerned with my tone. It can be exhausting to mentally review the list of all the rules for a "good Christian wife & Mom." To borrow a term from Jen Hatmaker, I am spicier than that.

I am reminded that the essential difference is whether I am 'acting' like one or actually AM. Going through the motions is exhausting. Living according to a 'script' or a checklist is not the answer. Jesus calls us to rely on His indwelling to cause that fruit to be real in our lives.

Emily Freeman's gem of a book, Grace for the Good Girl is speaking deeply to my heart about the exhaustion that comes from hiding behind "what we are supposed to be/do" and the freedom in abiding in Him and living out of the overflow instead.

I want to give God my best as a wife, Mom, friend and woman. It would be pleasing to my pride to punctuate that with well behaved children who fit the part of 'ladies' and 'gentlemen,' but not at the expense of our souls. It is so much easier to dress up the outside than it is to put in the hours of prayer, teaching, forgiving, loving and TRUSTING God for His timing that leads to change from the inside out.

But this is eternity we are talking about. And when I am honest I know I am completely incapable of producing anything lasting on my own in my life or in the hearts of my children. So the checklist lies crumpled on the floor (this morning at least) and I repeat this mantra:

"You are not accepted because you are good.
You are free to be good because you are accepted.
You are not responsible to have it all together.
You are free to respond to the One who holds all things in His hands.
You do not have to live up to impossible expectations.
You are free to wait expectantly on Jesus, the one who is both author and perfecter of your faith." 
-Emily Freeman, Grace for the Good Girl

Now to explain how this doesn't excuse atrocious 9 year old table manners.

A Little Salty...

A few weeks ago Sophie AKA BooMama was kind enough to send me a copy of her new book A Little Salty to Cut the Sweet. I have long appreciated the sweet spirit, humility and laughter Sophie brings to the blogging world. I rejoiced with the knowledge that her book would bring more of that to a broader audience. I was thrilled to dig in.

Trouble is, it was the last few weeks of school and my life got crazy!! Many days I didn't stop to read my calendar or email, much less a pleasure book. So, my Mama borrowed--devoured it in a day and then passed it to my Grandmama, who also read it in a day. And now I am more than a little behind!But in honor of the official book release today, I thought the least my female lineage could do is pass along their reviews. :-) Here's what a couple of generations of Alabama ladies had to say.

First from my Mom:
I totally related to the salty to cut the sweet.  My daddy always ate his desert mid meal because he would have to have a little something after the desert to get the "sweet taste out of his mouth." 

The part about the grandmother always having a box of light bulbs on tap is Momma all over.  She always has a burnt bulb that needs replacing and just hates to ask you to replace it (or not mentioned specifically in the book- TV that remote doesn't work, closed caption has gone out, etc.), but always "preparing" for the biggest spreads and heaven help if you say "don't go to that trouble." It makes her happy. 

It thrills me to no end that Mom then passed the book to her "Momma," my Grandmama, who wrote her remarks on the front page of the book. :-)

 

 Here's the translation:

Before I read the first page, I was hearing my Mama say "I need something salty after the sweet."  Nostalgia in plenty for an 88 year old.  Unbelievable that this came to me the very week that my grandson (from New Mexico) brought his 8 year old daughter because he wanted to give her some "southern exposure."  I loved each chapter.  Thanks for the opportunity to "get in on the ground floor" of this fascinating, Christian-inspired book of memories.

-Betty Dobbs

Now I need to catch up...but I already appreciate the sweet nostalgia and storytelling this book has sparked within my own family.

Sparkly Green Earrings

So, you know how you feel when watching a well-writted television show and there is a montage with just the perfect song to frame it all? In those instances, I find myself nodding my head, feeling a kinship and thinking Yes. This. This captures so much of what I feel about life. I am not alone. Others share this experience. I felt this way reading Melanie Shankle's brand new book Sparkly Green Earrings.

I have often wondered how someone could take a blog like Big Mama's, an entertaining romp through the realities of everyday life, and convert it to the format of a book. In this memoir of her first eight years of motherhood, Melanie had me literally laughing out loud on several occasions and dabbing my eyes at others. (I even read the last couple of pages aloud in my hair salon to my male stylist! Yes, it might have been Steel Magnolias 2013)

Despite starting a dozen, it has been eight months since I actually finished a book. I read 170 pages of this one within four hours of receiving it--and completed it by the end of the week. Why? Because of Melanie's voice. It was refreshingly authentic, yet sewn together with gratefulness and humor.

Melanie is a normal, but hilarious, Texas wife and Mom. Her memoir is a collection of stories from the last decade of young motherhood--real, everyday life stuff. She doesn't offer checklists or right answers, simply an invitation to share stories about this wild ride of motherhood and how it leaves us humbled & changed. Time and again I found myself nodding at this kindred spirit's recounting of her journey. This is my life told much funnier!

I am a deep thinker. I like to leave a book changed. This one left me thankful for the often comical, usually humbling lessons that come from everyday life. I was reminded that we are in this together--and grateful for the ride.

I would love to pass it on. Comment below before noon Sunday (EST) if you'd like a copy. I'll use a random number generator to choose three winners (because I love that number) and ship it out to you on Monday. 

Yahoo for Melanie's dream coming true & the joy it will bring so many!

**In terms of FULL disclosure: I do not usually do stuff like this. Melanie did send me a free preview copy, but the enjoyment is real enough that I am buying the three copies I am handing out myself :)

UPDATED WITH WINNERS:
The first number drawn was 46 Nat
Second number was 15 Sara
The third was 8 Happy Working Mom (Debbie)
Congratulations ladies!! Enjoy!

Pause

On this rainy day as I prepare my home & heart, THIS post from Ann Voskamp (and the accompanying video from Igniter Video) were a powerful reminder--not only for Advent, but for life in general.

It is fitting that this came to my attention after a weekend of recitals for K & P.

As P strummed his guitar and K played her piano it became apparent that reading notes is only part of the song...it is the tempo and rhythm that round out the true beauty of a piece.

In music and in life, it really is the pauses that make all the difference, isn't it?

Will we march through this month with our lists, our baking, our parties and traditions at lightening speed to make sure we simply 'get it all done' or will be take intentional pauses?

Pauses to listen,
Pauses to love,
Pauses to notice the people in our life,
Pauses to drink it all in

I am reminded today that the pauses will make all the difference in our life songs. It is a lesson not only for Advent, but for the whole year through.

Who? Me?

A few months ago I went through a season of intense insecurity. I realized I had hit rock bottom when one night at 3am I was awake listing the people in my life that I knew didn't really like me. I rehashed every recent encounter. I tried to trace back in each relationship if it had always been that way or when it had changed. I tried to pinpoint what it would take to be 'liked' by that person and whether it was my stuff or their stuff that was the real problem. I was mildly obsessed with getting to the bottom of it all and it made me miserable.

I am physically & emotionally cringing as I type all this. I KNOW how juvenile it all sounds. It is precisely why it has taken this long to write about it. I lost 25 years of growth and maturity, returning to a slightly more insecure version of my 13 year old self.  Even in the midst of it I was embarrassed by my thoughts. I can see now that I was drowning in a sea of self.

Then I read a little 47 page book by Tim Keller called The Freedom of Self Forgetfulness. I literally read it in car line one afternoon, but despite its brevity, the Apostle Paul's words from I Corinthians 4 caused a major shift in my thinking. These verses (and Tim Keller's exposition of them) reframed everything from the standpoint of Gospel-centered humility:

 4 It matters very little to me what you think of me, even less where I rank in popular opinion. I don’t even rank myself. Comparisons in these matters are pointless. 

 7-8 For who do you know that really knows you, knows your heart? And even if they did, is there anything they would discover in you that you could take credit for? Isn’t everything you have and everything you are sheer gifts from God? So what’s the point of all this comparing and competing? You already have all you need. You already have more access to God than you can handle. -excerpts from I Corinthians 4 (The Message translation)

And there it is. To quote Keller, "The essence of Gospel-humility is not thinking more of myself or less of myself, it is thinking of myself less."

When I have an encounter with a person, what would it look like to be so focused on listening to them and caring about their needs that I didn't have time or space for my ego to get hurt? I gulp even as I type it. I am a lover of people, but I am a communicator to the core. I have a deep need to be heard and understood. Many, many of the other human hearts I encounter on a daily basis surely feel the same way. At the end of the day, we want to be loved and accepted warts and all.

The beauty of the Gospel is the assurance that I am completely loved 'just as I am,' by the great I AM. I can talk my face off to Him. I can ask Him to search me and know me, including all the cringe-inducing junk my heart wrestles with in the dark at 3am, and He will not reject me. He sent His one and only Son to die a painful, sacrificial death to free me from that stuff. It is dishonoring for me to pick all that back up and carry it around as if I don't trust that He really has taken it and dealt with it on my behalf.

Jesus made it clear that the two greatest commandments were to love God with all we have and to really love other people. If I am striving only for the Lord and obedience to these two things, I am free. I have been forced to face the uncomfortable facts: It is not popularity, likeability or public opinion that are my problem...it is the sin of pride, the desire to be thought well of and the need to please others that haunts me.

In this season of lists, Christmas cards, year end letters and sometimes awkward social functions it is good to be reminded where our security really comes from. May we commit ourselves to remembering the gifts the birth of that baby in the manger paved the road for...eternal security at great price and true freedom...from the opinions of others AND from the opinion of self.

As Keller concludes: "Like Paul, we can say, 'I don't care what you think. I don't even care what I think. I only care what the Lord thinks.' And he has said, 'Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus', and 'You are my beloved child in whom I am well pleased.' Live out of that."

What is Required?

"Not what we say about our blessings, but how we use them, is the true measure of our thanksgiving." -W.T. Purkise

When I read this quote recently it struck me, then it beat me up. The old refrain battered my heart and brain:  Am I being a good enough steward of the blessings with which I have been entrusted? I know I don't have to earn my salvation, but I want to be found faithful. I want the Master's pat on the back when He returns. "Well done, good and faithful servant." I don't want to miss what He has planned for this life.

Even by first world standards, my life is pretty comfortable. I really enjoy the ministries I participate in. I like my life. Does that indicate that I am playing it safe and burying my proverbial talents or is it simply the blessed peace that comes from resting in Him? Should peacefulness be guilt-inducing or gratitude-inciting? Am I too busy outside my home or not busy enough? How do you know when you get it right? The little girl inside me still struggles to be 'enough.'

I have been wrestling through this with a couple of dear friends for weeks. Then today, I read this post by Ann Voskamp, How to Not Miss Your Real Life Calling. And the heart of this real housewife (with kids being schooled outside my home) who wants to do the right thing with her time and talents cried "Yes! This!"

Near the end of the post, Ann tells a wonderful story of her young daughter:
"The girl wanted a fence and rules and where she should go...
But the Farmer, he scooped up his little girl and said it in his gentle spoken way — “I’ll stand outside after the service and I’ll be keep a close eye for you. But listen.” He’d cupped Hope’s full cheeks in his field worn hands. “Your Dad will call you– and if you can’t hear him? You’re not where you are meant to be.“
-Ann Voskamp 

And suddenly my own wrestling seemed to be a moot point indeed. I have been seeking road signs, a map, a property line, some sort of once and for all marching orders so that I can be on my way. I am learning (again and again) God would rather have me listening for His voice to obey than taking off with a fake sense of independence and confidence because I have a map.  

To quote Ann Voskamp again: "We want clarity — and God gives a call. We want a road map — and God gives a relationship. We want answers — and God gives His hand."

I have always fared much better with the turn-by-turn voice prompts from my car's GPS. This journey of life is much the same--except the stakes are exceedingly higher.  So, tonight I am left with this prayer:

May we resist the temptation to stomp our feet and demand an easy road map, instead finding the courage and faith to lean in, cling tight, and trust all along the way.

He is not just a once and for all Savior. He is also Lord of our lives.

He isn't checking my list, He wants me to listen...beyond the noise of the world and the distraction of temporal circumstances to His unchanging, still, small voice.


Quiet my spirit Lord. Remind me of the Word You left to teach us and guide. Tune me in to Your Spirit and truth. 

"But he’s already made it plain how to live, what to do,  
  what God is looking for in men and women.
It’s quite simple: Do what is fair and just to your neighbor,
    be compassionate and loyal in your love,
And don’t take yourself too seriously—
    take God seriously." 
Micah 6:8 The Message

Momentary

Reading Jon Acuff's post, The Truth about this Moment, I was struck by the profound simplicity of his reminder: Fear can deceive us into believing our temporary troubles are forever.

"Right now, isn’t forever.
Right now is just right now.
It’s a season.
It’s passing even as you read this post.
It will be over before you know it and you’ll be in a new season."
-Jon Acuff

I confess I am in a sweet season right now, so I savored the truth of his words before tucking them away for comfort during a more challenging time in my life. Then bedtime rolled around.

We are already enjoying an extended Thanksgiving break, so as we went through our nightly routine, I was relaxed. There was no bickering about homework. No negotiations over bedtime. We have no alarms set for tomorrow morning. Instead of fretting, I was able to pay a bit more attention. With fresh and unhurried eyes, I noticed a lot.

How much taller P looks standing in front of the bathroom counter. The little pooch in his belly, despite his thin frame. How he still forgets his L sound when he is really tired, causing him to mumble, "I'm sweepy." The way he wraps his lovies around his neck like a towel as he burrows into bed. The fact that he still frequently goes to bed with his glasses on.

As I moved into the next bedroom, I was struck by how long R appears as he is tucked into bed. His manly, serious expression as he props his pillow to read by lamplight. He still has much to tell me at bedtime, including his theories on what position to sleep in to avoid nightmares. How tightly he wraps his arms around me. The way he spins my earring back as I am praying with him.

The experience repeats itself as I go to kiss K. Her dark curls swirling over her head on her pillow. Her word choice as I asked how she felt about today's news that she will be wearing glasses. ("A bit anxious combined with a little excited.") The compassion and maturity in her prayers for homeless and hungry people, quickly followed by questions about black holes. The way she carefully peruses her drawer full of stuffed animals deciding who all will be sleeping in her bed that night. Her soft request as I am walking past her doorway for "just one last hug, Mommy?"

The fact of that matter is that it's not just the bad things that fall into the category of 'only a season.' The sentiment applies to many of the sweet things too. Different seasons will bring their share of triumphs and challenges. The reminder that 'this won't last forever' can be encouraging or painful, depending on what type of season you are in.

I find that fear can capture me on both sides of the equation. The fear that my circumstances will never change AND the fear that they will. But God is the Lord of ALL of it. Yesterday, today and tomorrow.

Don’t worry about anything, but pray and ask God for everything you need, always giving thanks for what you have. And because you belong to Christ Jesus, God’s peace will stand guard over all your thoughts and feelings. His peace can do this far better than our human minds. Philippians 4:6-7 (ERV)

Just as tough circumstances are not forever, the sweet moments aren't either. As we focus on turkey & gratitude this week, I am thankful for His Provision through it all. It is not for me to fear what my come or what may go. "Whatever my lot, thou has taught me to say, it is well, it is well with my soul." May we consider it all in light of eternity.

There’s far more here than meets the eye. The things we see now are here today, gone tomorrow. But the things we can’t see now will last forever. 2 Corinthians 4:18 (The Message)

Lord, help me pay attention with a grateful heart and move forward with a trusting one.

How to Read the Bible

I have been predominantly offline for a couple of days--busy week in 'real life.' Hoping to make it back for a post later today, but in the meantime I wanted to pass along this short but powerful post from Tim Keller about "how to read the Bible.'

Convicting, challenging and yet somehow very encouraging...Is it about me or about Him? Even as I try to sum up the post I cannot help but want to make it about what this means for ME. :-)

A beautiful reminder of His neverending grace to start this day (and even more fodder for a thankful heart.)

Beautiful or Bitter

IWhen I read this tonight it trumped the other two posts I had been contemplating. This paragraph, from the book my small group is reading, spoke truth like a dagger to my heart.

"My pastor once told me that he believes every woman either becomes beautiful or bitter by the time she's forty. What he meant is that women either face their stuff or they don't. Women make choices either to do what is necessary to keep as much control as possible, or to work hard to understand what is in their control and what must be entrusted to God. If they face it they heal, they forgive--they tend to radiate an inner beauty that reflects Christ in them...If women don't face their struggles they become bitter--holding onto their issues and spewing them onto others like germs." 
-Nicole Unice, She's Got Issues

I don't know about you, but this is so relevant to me as a woman just a couple of years away from that forty year old mark. Beautiful or bitter--which will it be?

I love that the word chosen here isn't 'perfect' or any other term that would connote mastery. The word beautiful doesn't even indicate any sort of competition with anyone else. It is simply a nod to growing, developing, healing, radiating/reflecting the glory of God...facing our stuff in the light of God's love, grace and mercy.

The alternative makes my face crinkle and my heart cringe--bitter, holding tightly, spewing germs. Will I be characterized by anger, unhappiness, discontent or peacefulness, growth, maturity and health? Better or bitter: that's the question.

Lord, I/we have plenty of excuses for why we feel frustrated/bitter/hurt. Life has thrown hurtful curve balls that make me want to hide in the perceived safety and security of my own self interests. It is terrifying to surrender our illusion of control--even to You. Will you give me courage? Courage to just let go and let You lead...

Thank you for the gift of your forgiveness and grace. Lord, take my bitterness and make me better. I think you in advance for the peace it will bring. All for YOUR Glory. Amen.