Friday morning I woke up and felt a little embarrassed about my post from Thursday night. It was a new morning. The weekend had arrived. I was feeling perky not sappy. There was a temptation to amend my post to reflect "Don't worry about me. I have it back under control."
It's a danger of communicating. We speak the words. We write the sentiment. We post the status. When we do those things authentically it is akin to advertising 'where we are' emotionally--for better or for worse. And if you are anything like me, there can be a great deal of inconsistency when my moods/thoughts/feelings are viewed as snapshots rather than as an evolving process.
I read a quote a couple of weeks ago that continues to resonate in my heart:
"Our soul fluctuates between thoughts and feelings we don't like and thoughts and feelings we do like, and we don't like those fluctuations... We try to stop that swing because our soul's fluctuations are unpleasant to us and it seems as if God wants us to stop them. We think that Christian Maturity is getting that swing under control.
"God designed us at the soul level to be capable of feeling and thinking things that are contrary to the spirit reality. Why? Because that is the only way we can learn to live by faith out of who we really are and who He really is, rather than out of appearances."
~The Rest of the Gospel, Dan Stone & Greg Smith
'Having it all together" was never promised as a fruit of the Spirit. Although I consider myself fairly emotionally stable there remains inconsistency with what I profess to believe and the thoughts that can plague me. That gap is a powerful tool for shame in the hands of my soul's Enemy. I can be taunted into a corner...muted from testifying to the goodness of God by a fear that someone will discover the lack of goodness in me.
I loved this reminder from Stone & Smith that this fluctuation is actually a tool for my Savior to remind me of my desperate need for Him.
I love the way Emily Freeman summed this thought process up in Grace for the Good Girl:
"We don't have to figure out the whys and the origins of every swinging emotion." (Praise God for that!!!)
She continues, "But it is so important that we realize they are there. To embrace the color and fullness of our un-fine state is to open wide enough to receive compassion and grace. Only then will we be able to offer that same compassion and grace to others in honest and authentic ways."
I'm not Ok. I don't have it together. But I am loved by the One who IS and DOES. And that truth is more than enough for me.