Sharing My Heart

*Holy Cow, this is long. I started writing and could not stop.
It is interesting the way our emotions and our lives ebb and flow. Earlier this week, my heart was full as I was reliving awesome beach memories, then reality came crashing in as we attempted to re-enter real life at home with Daddy across the country. In the last 2 days, I have regained some perspective and fallen so head-over-heels-in-love with my little family in a new and fresh way that my heart feels like it is going to burst.

It started with, of all things, Grey's Anatomy Thursday night. I KNOW it is fiction...but watching Izzie mourn Denny, Omar mourn Jazelle & Christine realize how close of a call Burke had experienced took me back to my own mortality. When I think about what emotions my precious husband felt as I lay in the ICU at Northside Hospital...especially in those first hours when the future was so completely uncertain....I cannot bear it. He had 3 newborn preemies in the NICU with a combined weight of 8 1/2 lbs and an unconcious, intubated wife with a heart that did not work. He was in a hospital (a setting where he has LIVED for the last 13 years, for crying out loud) and was completely unable to DO anything.

We begged God for these children. We pleaded for Him to heal my heart and restore my health. We implored God to give us our "shot" as a family. In His infinite and inexplicable grace He did. In response, we vowed to give Him to glory and to honor Him with what we did with our lives and how we raised these children....and yet life moves on. Memories become faint. Busyness takes over...and somehow, unimaginably, we forget.

So, a couple of days ago, as I finally got caught up on some blog reading (desite the fact my luggage is STILL not unpacked--UGH!) I found this post. As I listened to the incredible lyrics of the song, I held K close and realized just how quickly life goes by.

Then yesterday, in Sunday School, we discussed I Peter 5, in relation to our marriages. This afternoon, it occured to me that as a parent, this had great meaning for the way I treat my children.

I Peter 5: 2-7 (The Message translation)

Here's my concern: that you care for God's flock with all the diligence of a shepherd. Not because you have to, but because you want to please God. Not calculating what you can get out of it, but acting spontaneously. Not bossily telling others what to do, but tenderly showing them the way.
When God, who is the best shepherd of all, comes out in the open with his rule, he'll see that you've done it right and commend you lavishly. And you who are younger must follow your leaders. But all of you, leaders and followers alike, are to be down to earth with each other, for—God has had it with the proud, But takes delight in just plain people.
So be content with who you are, and don't put on airs. God's strong hand is on you; he'll promote you at the right time. Live carefree before God; he is most careful with you.

So, tonight the kiddos and I turned iTunes up loudly and danced all over the playroom to Buffalo Girls & Boys by The Backyardigans.As the 4 of us danced and giggled, I was reminded again of the INCREDIBLE DEPTH of my gratitude to God for sparing my life and blessing me beyond what I could ever ask or imagine.

Psalm 77: 1-14
I cried out to God for help; I cried out to God to hear me. When I was in distress, I sought the Lord; at night I stretched out untiring hands and my soul refused to be comforted.

I remembered you, O God, and I groaned; I mused, and my spirit grew faint.
You kept my eyes from closing; I was too troubled to speak.
I thought about the former days, the years of long ago;
I remembered my songs in the night. My heart mused and my spirit inquired:
"Will the Lord reject forever? Will he never show his favor again?
Has his unfailing love vanished forever? Has his promise failed for all time?
Has God forgotten to be merciful? Has he in anger withheld his compassion?"
Then I thought, "To this I will appeal: the years of the right hand of the Most High."
I will remember the deeds of the LORD; yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago.

I will meditate on all your works and consider all your mighty deeds. Your ways, O God, are holy. What god is so great as our God? You are the God who performs miracles; you display your power among the peoples.

As I was reading this passage, I remember how completely abandoned I felt by God as I awoke in the ICU and the reality of severity of my condition came to light. The ICU at Northside is in the basement. There are no windows. I would literally look at the clock on the wall and know it was 2:10, but not have any idea if it was a.m. or p.m. I was not completely aware of how sick I was until a couple of nurses from the floor where I had spent 8 1/2 weeks on bedrest came in the room and stood at the foot of my bed, looked at me and cried. I remember short visits from my family, my mother-in-law bringing countless Scriptures, the weary, worried looks on everyone's faces, being annointed with oil for healing, the video clips my husband would bring me of the babies in the NICU, and the hours of laying completely upright in my bed staring at the clock trying to figure out what was happening to my life. I scarcely slept for days once I was concious and extubated...I was deathly afraid of falling asleep and never waking up again. So, I passed the time by watching the clock and watching my heart monitors, as if I could will the numbers to improve.

On the 3rd day, the NICU nurses brought the babies down in isolettes in the middle of the night, so I could actually touch them and see them. My heart rate improved dramatically while they were in the room. The next day, I was allowed to travel by wheelchair to visit with them in the NICU. Then, that night I spiked a 105 temperature and was diagnosed with an MRSA pneumonia, which meant I was on isolation & unable to see the babies for the next few days. It was the last straw. I remember crying out to God: "WHAT!?!? You have my attention. What do you want from me?"

As I read this Psalm, I am right back in that place of despair and confusion. Then I look up on my desk and stare at a family photo. I think about the angels sleeping in the next room and the dear man who just pulled in the driveway and I, with David shout:

"I will remember the deeds of the LORD; yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago. I will meditate on all your works and consider all your mighty deeds. Your ways, O God, are holy. What god is so great as our God? You are the God who performs miracles; you display your power among the peoples. "

Thanks and praise be to God!