Shifting

A few months ago I went into deep research mode on adolescent development. I sought out excellent resources, from secular phds to wise and experienced Christian counselors and pastors who shared solid Biblical truths. I read, binge listened to podcasts, made lots of notes. Then, I decided I needed to sit down with my husband for a retreat of sorts, we dubbed it a "Teen Summit," to outline our strategy for this next phase of life.

Trouble is, it is May and we have three involved but not yet driving themselves children--and a 4 year old foster child transitioning home--and my spouse is a surgeon and a student pilot. Life is full. My google sheet online is getting a workout as I dip in almost daily to add a topic or a quote to my Teen Summit agenda.

Meanwhile, life goes on. We are confronting typical teen issues--phones, grades, relationships, driving--and I feel increasingly on the defense instead of the offense. My default mode on the less pressing issues is to put them on "the list."

Wednesday night another fairly innocuous adolescent issue caught me by surprise and was added to the list. I sighed and said more tersely than I wish I had, "this is why we have to make it a priority to have our meeting."

My husband agreed a strategic conversation would be great, but reminded me we could handle this particular little thing without a big meeting. A conversation would suffice short term. I broke down in tears--a midweek laundry room breakdown.

I am not a crier. Thankfully, when the tears do come, Ryland does not run from them. He hugged me close and challenged me to discuss what was really going on. Fears I didn't fully realize were plaguing my heart came tumbling out of my mouth. "We only have 4 more years with our trio in the nest and 4 more weeks with this little one. There's so much left to be done. I feel like I'm drinking from a water hose. I don't want to mess it all up."

As we talked I realized almost comically that my fantasy coping mechanism amidst all our change is a spreadsheet--as if it could somehow cover ALL THE THINGS.

I know better. I really do. And yet, in times of fear and uncertainty faith is harder to hold and the idea of a physical plan feels comfortable and safe--even as I know it is fallacy.

Later I received a text from a friend, worried about scary test results, then had a long, deep conversation with another dealing with devastating life circumstances. Out to lunch, I ran into a family I know walking through a diagnosis and prognosis that's breaking their hearts.

There is no spreadsheet for all of this, but there is a Savior and his perspective is eternal. He doesn't have laundry room breakdowns, but does pull close to his beloved people in those times. He hears our worries and our concerns. He listens, then he lifts our chins and reminds us where to focus our gaze...not on the 100,000 What Ifs, but on the I AM.

I need a Summer break.
I am still planning a Summit.
But most important of all, I am submitting to the Lord's shift of my focus--from fear to faith.