Goodbye to Haley

January 16

This morning I watched everyone in my family tell our 14 year old chocolate lab, Haley, goodbye. She completely lost use of her back legs the day before. She had to be carried for food, water and to urinate and defecate. Her tail was between her legs and her eyes begged for relief.

My husband spoiled her with delicious duck meat for breakfast. The kids hugged her and rubbed her ears. They knew I was taking her to the vet while they were at school and that the outlook was grim, but the hopefulness of youth still ruled their hearts.

I carried her to the car at 9:30 and drove with all the courage I could muster to the Vet. I called my husband (who was at work) for a last minute pep talk. As I carried her in from the car, our vet and one of his tech's was waiting to open the door and take her from me. We carried her back to an exam room and after placing her on the table, we all made the decision that it was her time.

My last mental picture of her is her sweet grey face with splotches of pink from my lipstick kisses.

The children knew I was taking her to the vet while they were at school--and that she might not come home. The reality still hit them hard.

As Parker mourned he said, "I knew her my whole life. I have known Haley as long as I have known you, Mom. She was always there for me when I was sad and now I have to go through this without her."

Lots of conversations about how there is no easy way to do a hard thing and love is worth it.

But, ugh.

January 9-15, 2018

"Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom." 
Psalm 90:12

I am continuing my life snapshots and weekly wrap-ups with observations and lessons learned from the first two weeks of 2018. This exercise is taking some of the pressure off my rusty writing legs and prompting me to seek God the lessons of my days. Don't expect fully formed thoughts...

January 9
On these cold Winter days, I have taken to sitting in my car in the driveway or a bit longer once I arrive home (especially during the day when I am alone.) The heated seats in my Suburban are so toasty, it is hard to leave. I refer to it as my home office. This afternoon I paid particular attention to the hydrangea bushes along my front drive. They are lush and productive and stunning when in bloom--but right now they look like dead sticks. If I didn't know how glorious they are in Spring and Summer, I would did them up and throw them out...but I have seen their potential and know they are just dormant now. A powerful metaphor for me...dormant does not equal dead. Things and people have seasons. Don't judge them by a snapshot from only one.

January 10 
"Expose and dismantle the faithless, graceless ways we parent, Father. Free us from our overbearing and under-believing ways. Forgive us for being more anxious than loving--more likely to nag or brag without ceasing than pray and trust without ceasing." -Scotty Ward Smith

Just loved this quote today.

January 11 
Parker participated in (and took 2nd place) at the school-wide Spelling Bee. For a child that struggles with anxiety, it is a big deal to put himself out there in such a high stakes, visible way in front of his peers. Next stop, Round One of State!

January 12 
Participated in TBRI training for the third time in three years. This trauma-informed training on how to love kids from hard places well is excellent. The first year I attended we had just gone through our first failed foster placement and I felt sick and ashamed through many of the lectures. I wished desperately I had known better how to handle LuLu.

The second year, some of my guilt and shame were gone and I was able to hear more from the standpoint of "when we know better we do better." I was also able to learn tips and tricks that could improve my parenting of my own children who have some sensory issues as a result of a traumatic pregnancy and NICU stay.

This third time, I couldn't help praying constantly for the next child or children in our home as we have tentatively set a date to re-open our home April 1.

January 13 
Area wrestling tournament. Parker was sick and could not compete and Ryland wasn't able to drop pounds to make weight--fine by the Mama! Today I appreciated what an encourager and team player Ryland is. He stayed at the tourney for 8 hours and cheered his teammates on with so much enthusiasm he was hoarse. I delighted in his back patting and genuine support of his teammates. He's the guy you want in your corner.

January 14 
Driving lessons at the farm. How can it be that my kiddos will have learners' permits in 16 months??!!

January 15 
Haley, our 14 year old chocolate lab, lost use of her back legs. She now has to be carried to go to the bathroom or get food and water. I am not ready to write all about this yet except that the conversations with my children were meaningful and important. There is no easy way to do hard things because hard things are hard.

Snapshots of a Life: Week One-ish 2018

Last Thursday's chore was a general organization and clean up of my attic. This led to the rediscovery of a large storage box full of keepsakes from my life. When my Grandmama passed away last year I received a box of mementos she had kept for me--from my birth announcement to my children's. There were few photos, but she too was a word girl and had all the documents of the key moments. I promised myself the treat of exploring that box once the less exciting work was complete.

Friday, a last minute cancellation of plans created space for me to sort through the box, which included not only my Grandmama's contributions but my own keepsakes as well. It was a bizarre, roller coaster walk through 43 years of a life to flip from random college party pictures to wedding shower invitations and high school snapshots. I found my first resume and tons of memorabilia from my stint working for the 1996 Olympic Open & Closing Ceremonies. There were also letters Ryland & I had exchanged and journals from the transformative years of my post-college early twenties. I also found two time capsules--one from 1994 and one from 1/1/2000 where I had written letters to my future self. (I confess I chose not to read those just yet.) 

As I read through the journals, I remembered that pre-blogging I used a calendar to jot down key events and lessons from most days. They were not well-formed thoughts so much as scrapbooks of words--pieces of the day and my corresponding feelings. There seemed to be freedom from pressure to draw any conclusions. Perhaps it was the freshness of my journalism education--report the facts without the need to teach a lesson. 

I wondered what it would be like to return to that method of recording the world. In a social media age laden with people's (mostly dire) conclusions, what if I went back to more observation than conclusion? I think this is why I transitioned from blogging to Instagramming. 

So, nine days into this New Year, I decided to try something new here, which is actually revisiting the old--a brief reflection on each day and something I learned, appreciated, observed or simply want to remember. 

January 1
Watched the most gorgeous sunrise that turned the inside of my house a warm orangey-pink. A bitter cold day where the kids and I stayed in pajamas until almost 3pm. Big football evening--UGA's historic overtime win versus Oklahoma and watching my son, Ryland's sheer joy as a lifelong UGA fan. Alabama beat Clemson in the Sugar Bowl later that night, but we were honestly exhausted by that time. 

January 2
A trip to Chattanooga for a doctor's appointment for one of my trio. Good news. 

January 3
A trip to Atlanta for another specialist for one of my trio--who decided to take a very interesting approach regarding a health issue facing one of my people. Dr, C. challenged this child to step up as a young adult and take more charge of their own health choices. Honestly, not what I was expecting, but remarkably effective at this point (a week in) and inspired me as a parent to consider this approach more often. Our relationship is already much better. We will return in a week to see if the health issue is positively impacted as well.

January 4
Met for coffee with a woman I've been mentoring for two years as we tie up a few final loose ends in preparation for the return of her two children from DFACS custody. She spoke about how the practice of Gratitude has changed her life. She's a single working Mama with a life history most reading this cannot fathom, a recovering addict whose children are in foster care and she is overflowing with thanksgiving for the gifts of her life.  One day, with her permission I hope to write a lot more about this...

January 5 
The day spent exploring my life box in the attic (mentioned above). A was reminded that handwritten notes are a gift that keeps giving--and that photos really should be printed occasionally. Also, that as we document our kids lives we ought not to forget to record what God is doing to keep growing us up as well--hence this post. Also, enjoyed a two hour 'family business meeting' with my husband that reminded me why I love being his partner--may or may not have included going over spreadsheets in a bar across the street from the youth group event my kids were attending ;-)

January 6
Wrestling tournament out of town with my sons. Sitting on the sidelines waiting between matches I had time to read a book about Haiti (On that Day Everybody Ate)

in preparation for a women's trip later this month. My heart already aches for the level of poverty I will see there--and how God wants to use that exposure in my life.

January 7
Church and then very low key day with kids and husband scattered at various activities. I was able to spend some sweet one-on-one time with Parker as he created an escape room in his bedroom. What fun to search for locks and supplies with him and remember that he is his very best self when he is creative.

January 8
Unexpected day off from school with kids because of the threat of ice. The CFP National Championship game in a fiercely divided house. I hated watching young Ryland's heartbreak but great opportunities for conversations about sportsmanship. 

There is nothing fancy about these hastily typed paragraphs, but I think I will treasure these snapshots of our real life one day. 

"How we spend our days is of course how we spend our lives. What we do with this hour and that one is what we are doing."-Annie Dillard