It all started with a special offer of hot chocolate for breakfast on Christmas Eve morning. I would not under normal circumstances give my children hot chocolate for breakfast--but it was Christmas. It was intended to be celebratory--a gift of sorts.
K & R were seated at the kitchen island excitedly anticipating their chocolaty treat. I handed them their warm mugs and tossed a handful of mini marshmallows on top. As I turned back to clean up the mess I had made I heard the following:
"Seven-eight-nine. I have nine marshmallows. How many marshmallows did you get?"
"I only got eight! MOOOOMMMMMM! It is not fair that he got more marshmallows than me!"
Then tears.
Why couldn't they just keep their eyes on their own mugs? It was one stinkin' mini marshmallow for crying out loud! My children's lament over my unfairness and the inequity of my gifts to them zapped all of the joy right out of all of us--the giver and the receivers. I was left to ponder that life would have been more peaceful if I had never attempted the special surprise in the first place. I almost regretted it.
This same type of scenario has started to repeat itself within my family lately--especially with R & K. Everything is a competition in which they are keeping score. It is exhausting me!
I know some of this is a natural progression of child development...but I want to nip it in the bud. I was laughing with some friends today about my desire to whip out the parable of the workers in the field...but I think it might be a bit beyond the comprehension of 5 year olds who are just beginning to grasp fairness. I do want to have realistic expectations.
I am also convicted by how much these types of scenarios play out in the grown up world. Score keeping, comparison and demands for 'fairness' are not just 5 year old behavior. My stuff seems just fine. I am one content, blessed woman until I start spending too much time looking around...a catalog, someone else's beautiful home, wardrobe, talent, togetherness...the list goes on and on. I, too, need to keep my eyes on my own mug.
So, any tips on how to address some of this in an instructive and constructive way with 5 year olds? I am listening.
Updated to Add: I think part of the reason it is so frustrating is that I work REALLY hard to make things as even and fair as possible. We have three cakes on birthdays. They are in three separate classes. They don't dress alike anymore unless they choose to. We rotate leader of the day, etc...But they are reaching an age (especially being in separate classes and activities) where it is not always fair. One has a field trip, one gets goodie bags, one gets invited to a party, etc...
Sometimes I do just throw in the extra marshmallow...but other times I am a little offended, frankly. (I know that is juvenile.) I know far too many adults consumed with comparison, entitlement and score keeping. I want K, P & R to seek justice and to LOVE mercy and to be grateful. I don't think it is bad to fight good fights--as long as it is for things that matter. But maybe this does matter when you are five...I don't know.
I think it is because we are going through that change...where I can't always make it right...and I believe that my job as a parent is to teach them within our home how to navigate difficult circumstances outside our home. Our job as parents is training and equipping.
I just don't know how much of that is possible at 5 1/2...Keep the comments coming! This is an interesting discussion. (And I am really OK with dissenting opinions. :-)
28 comments:
Because of the way i grew up - we measured and compared constantly - it seemed like we were never satisifed and noone knew to direct us differently. Therefore when our children were little I purposed not to balance the score - but always focused on how God delights in blessing each one of us and not always on the same day or in the same way. I focused on creating an atmosphere of rejoicing and expectations and celebrating whomever was the recipeint of the blessing at the time.
In my head i played that senario and could here myself saying at their rebuttle, "Thank you Mommy for the surprise present of hot chocolate and marshmellows".(I always modeled what would be an appropiate response)
Prov 22:6 - train up a child in the way he should go ....
The word "train" there actually means "to point in an exact direction, to cause to grow in a particular way..."
It is an opportunity to train them to be grateful for what they get and to express their appreciation for what they have.
In that situation I would suggest modeling the correct behavior by saying (as you would want them to say), "Mommy would i be able to have one more marshmellow in my hot chocolate?" You are training them to be responsibile to communicate their desire without focusing on "what is unfair" or disolving and expecting you to be the fix all.
Blessings,
Diane
To quote a fantastic blogger I know, [eh-hem, I wonder who that could be?] "You get what you get and you don't throw a fit."
Now is as good as any time for them to realize that unfortunately, not everything is always going to be able to be even. (No, I'm not cracking on you, I'm just saying.) Maybe their sib got the extra this time. Perhaps they will the next time. Sometimes that is just the way the marshmallows fall.
In the meantime, hugs to you!
I am so with you JMom! The boys even at 3 (almost 4) are almost ALWAYS in competition. They must have the same toys, the same clothes, the same anything. It is exhausting. I cannot wait to read what your readers comment. If one gets to go with Daddy the other must go right after, even the barber shop. If one goes to the grandparents for a stay the other must go the same day or there is tears and screams like no other.
Does the trio do that also? How do handle those type of situations? I so could use some advice from another multiple mom.
Blessings!!!
I guess I'm the oddball...you're right, life IS unfair, so making the marshmallows even seems harmless, yet important and an easy fix. I understand its their attitudes you don't like, and you weren't really begrudging K another marshmallow, but I'm afraid I totally see why K would have been upset, especially being a triplet. She must always have to share...share her birthday, share the same milestones, you often dress them alike so she has to share her individuality, etc. etc. Not only being five, but being a triplet has to contribute to their heightened awareness of injustice. I guess I would have said you didn't mean to shortchange anyone and you can easily rectify the situation in this case, and then do so. You could have followed that up with an explanation of how in real life, especially as they get older, you won't always be able to even things up and things won't always be fair. But I would tell them that as their mommy you are their biggest advocate here on earth and you will always strive to make things fair for them whenever you can.
Just my opinion....I believe in coddling children, personally.
Jen, in my case, I'm the scorekeeper. I like fairness and am so aware that they have to share the limelight, birthdays, everything, that I do try and even things up.
thanks for the reminder that life will not always be fair.
This happens frequently in our home as well and it bothers me too. I have too often regretted trying to do something special when it ends up in a comparison of who got the better end of the deal. We've talked a lot about good sportsmanship and what that means in their sports activities so I try to carry it over into life as well. We also try to integrate some of the Montessori peacefulness philosophy into daily life. I do not really have a "solution" just a word of encouragement :) As we are closer to six years old (11 days!) it does not seem to be as frequent as it was a few months ago.
my 3 girls, now 27,23 & 20 STILL do this. I think in a child's mind, whoever MOM gives "more" to, mom loves MORE. To this day. If I buy one something, I must buy them all something. Now it's starting with the grandkids. If I buy one daughter's child something, then the other wants to know why their's didn't get something. Maybe it's our sinful nature or our "you're all equal in mommy's eyes, nurture". I just know last week I was still puting gifts on the bed, making sure all was equal. I'm not sure it ever ends...
This is incredibly normal sibling behavior. I always stressed that "fair is not always equal". Do address it with your little ones and stress that this kind of nit-picking simply isn't tolerated because it does take the joy out. Trust me, they'll get it!!
I have five children. I always try to be fair, as far as amounts spent on birthday presents, Christmas presents and such. During everyday times, I can't always afford to get something for all 5 of my kids. So there are times, I see something that I think would really bless one of my kids and I come home with something for just one of them. I have trained them to be happy for the one getting the surprise and to know that eventually it will be them getting something and the others having to be happy for them. It evens out. And they have really learned to be happy for the other sibling. My kids are now 12- 22 years old. I've trained them this way all of their lives and it has really worked for us. One other thing I have always told my kids, "You know if life was really fair, Jesus wouldn't have died on the cross for us and we wouldn't have been able to have a relationship with Him. Praise God! Life isn't always fair."
I've also heard moms say, "If you aren't happy with what you've gotten, I can take it back." Usually the child doesn't want to lose everything, so they give in and are thankful to have the one they got. If I'd known this one when my kids were young, I sure would have used it.
Tal
I also struggle (so much ) with this. I look to my husband's family where his mother counted peas as she put them on the boys plates. I decided to quit killing myself to be so "fair" I am not saying give on child a pony and another a book for Christmas-- but it should generally be similar and they need to accept it. Life will never measure up pea to pea--- and I really really pray--- to launch children into the world who can handle coming up a pea short or a pea over- I want them to handle it with grace and dignity either way.
But they are reaching an age (especially being in separate classes and activities) where it is not always fair. One has a field trip, one gets goodie bags, one gets invited to a party, etc...
That right there...you're right, things are unfair OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE...so that is why I would strive to make it fair INSIDE of your house, as much as possible. Pretty soon the kids will be discovering they have different gifts and talents, too, and that will 'seem' unfair to them...and they may not LIKE the gifts and talents THEY have because it may not garner the attention a sibling gets for their own gifts. My daughters are both very gifted in the writing and drawing department, but NOT in sports. My older daughter is PHENOMENAL in writing, but her classmates don't value that gift, they value prowess on the soccer field. So right now my daughter thinks it's unfair she got a gift no one cares about, despite me telling her that soccer skills don't really go very far in life, but writing skills can...
So it will always be something, and right now I do believe the amount of marshmallows is important at age five. At age ten it will be something that still seems unimportant to grown ups, despite it probably being more important than marshmallow amounts.
Then you say this:
I believe that my job as a parent is to teach them within our home how to navigate difficult circumstances outside our home. Our job as parents is training and equipping.
I believe that, too, but the way I would do that is to help them thru the things you can't fix, such as the goodie bags from a party that not all three were invited to. I wouldn't create, nor use unintentional slights, as opportunities to teach fairness. I would want home and mommy to be a haven of justice and understanding. And as someone else pointed out, I can totally see how an extra marshmallow for R might make K think you love R more... Is it irrational? Yes, to an adult. But to a child of five? Not so much.
You're a great mom and you do a great job. I, personally, think you may be trying too hard here or making an issue where there really might not be one.
I agree that it's part of normal childhood behavior. Not easy, but normal. I still remember a trip to McDonald's when they had a buy one, get one free deal. My sister(4Years younger than me) claimed with gusto, "IIIIIII get the free one!!!" We still tease her about that.
On the serious side, you could take this opportunity to teach that we are all so lucky that God loves us all equally. He doesn't play favorites or keep score. Might not make the bickering stop but might make them think about the Father's love. Good Luck!
I say to my kids a lot, "Fair doesn't always mean equal." I strive to show my children love equally, to make sure they feel equally appreciated and valued. But that doesn't mean they will always mean situations are identical.
I know the Case of the Marshmallows is small, and maybe it's exacerbated by the fact that your kids are the exact same age, but if my kids had done that? I'm THROUGH with the comparison about things that don't matter and the ungrateful attitude it reveals. I might have taken the hot chocolate away (like you thought about) and said, "Oh, I'm sorry. I was trying to do something extra nice for you. But if all you care about is comparing and being ungrateful because everything isn't exactly the same for each of you, we'll make it exactly the same -- no one gets any."
The hard part about that comes in when only one child was complaining about the unfairness.... But that's another can of worms.
One more thing, I used with my kids...When there were only a couple cookies left or if there was a reason only one child could go somewhere with me or some such thing, I would play the "Who wants to be unselfish?" game. And all of my kids would race to be unselfish and let a sibling have or do whatever it was over themselves. It really helped for them to learn to think of others before themselves. And they still continue with it to this day... over bigger things now. I don't even have to say, "Who wants to be unselfish?", they just rise to the occasion on their own.
I haven't had time to read all of the comments, but know we are experiencing a lot of the same heart attitudes in our house as well. I am currently reading "Making Brothers and Sisters Best Friends" by Sarah, Stephen & Grace Mally. The tag line is "how to fight the good fight on the home front" so your added comments made me think it might be useful for you too. I am reading through it first & then we may take the suggestion of reading it together during family devotions. Hope it helps!
Sometimes I will have a "do-over", and ask them what a better response would've been. Then, when they realize they should be saying, "Thanks Mom, for giving us a special treat" (or I tell them what they should've said), they can enjoy it with a better spirit. If it continues to be a problem over a few days/weeks, then I have an opportunity to teach them by taking away the privilege so they know they need to choose to respond differently.
I have sons 19 mo. apart, one of whom is very social and makes lots of friends easily, so I understand the part about one getting invited to parties, etc. I will occasionally "treat" my much quieter son to something special, or invite a friend over, while his brother is at a playdate or party. It's important for him to know that he's special too, even though his God-given introspective ways are not as rewarded by other kids.
-- Nancy
"Comparison is the thief of all Joy"
I know you have heard that... but I just love it... maybe a little hard for 5 1/2 year olds... but I tell that to our kids (and myself) all the time! : )
I think you do a wonderful job with your three. The excitement of Christmas can be tiring, too...My two methods were a little different from ones suggested above. I said, "You get what you get and you're thankful for it" or "Thank you, Lord, for a red balloon" (if sibling was wanting the yellow balloon next to him/her instead of the red one he/she got.) I always remember the Hebrews verse about all discipline seeming harmful for the moment, but it bears the peaceful fruit of righteousness by those who are TRAINED by it. Keep at it; endure to the end. The results are forthcoming, JMom!
I am thoroughly enjoying all of your responses. There are some wise women here! Thank you.
I have twins (age 11 now- boy/girl) and we have deal with this issue from the start. They are all about "fair" and we have had long talks about how life isn't always fair and just because one gets something doesn't mean the other will always get the same thing. It has gotten easier since they have gotten a little bigger. I think at around age 9 or 10 it started to seem easier. :)
Hang in there- My suggestion is to give plenty of opportunities for both situations, fair and unfair, so they learn to adjust to both.
Kelly in Michigan :)
I have loved reading the responses too! When my three (all born in 3.5 years) were little, I always said *Life is not fair. But God is* (And went further to explain as was age appropriate).
When they were MUCH older, I would laugh and say*Didn't you know I love them more?*. They were at the age then that they could laugh and always said *mommmmmmm* because they knew how I never treated one different because I didn't love them as much.
It's a tough balance to reach but just the fact that you *want to* should make a difference!! They know they are loved!
My kids are all teenagers now, and I am glad to say that they rarely speak of "something not being fair". It is very important to teach them that life is not fair--I have to say that I thoroughly disagree with Kate--not even always fair at home. I used to jokingly tell my kids when they complained that I did such-and-such because I loved that child more! You may think that bad, but my children knew that was ridiculous--then I explained that sometimes one gets more, and another time the other does. It all evens out, and we should rejoice when others are blessed. I will not and did not give in to that kind of thinking, and be the mother who is always counting things out. I believe in preparing kids for the real world, and I can't tell you how often my husband complains about his student pilots these days. He said that in the last few years, the "kids" coming in to training expect everything to be handed to them and for everything to be fair-and they are very disrespectful. We have got to raise our children better than that. OK--I will hush, but Jenn, I want you to know that I think you are doing a wonderful job with your children (for all that I can know by reading your blog)! My guess is that ten years from now when you have three teenagers, you will not even have this concern in the slightest. You are a great mom.
When my kids were young and they'd start complaining "It's not fair!" I'd reply that LIFE isn't fair. I told them they might as well get used to it. I let them know that one time one of them might get something when the other didn't and vice versa. I wasn't going to continue to try to make everything "even Steven" anymore. I still sometimes have to remind them of that fact (they're 23 & 25 now!).
I have thought about this again. A friend of our family has twin girls in 1st grade. One is fighting a hard fight with cancer. Very unfair in all regards. But--I think it is the small things like marshmallows that help kids to get big concepts. LIfe is so unfair at times and some situations are not rational... I am just striving as a mom to grow little people who can get the big things that life will hand to them. AS for our friends--- they are sure not counting marshmallows at home... and we have a huge lesson there-- don't sweat the small stuff!! There is no magical answer to any of this. I have to say-- I love reading your blog because you seem to be so honest about parenting and the related stuggles. I always take away a great piece of inspiration every time I read. Keep up the great blog posts. XXOO M.
I like what Kelly said above --- fair doesn't always mean equal.
I have this same thing at my house and try to make everything as equal as possible. However, I also want my children to understand that there are times when one child will be invited somewhere and the other won't due to being in different classes, having different friends, etc....
I think those things are 'fair'.....I often tell my girls in the situation of getting goodies from a teacher or the other doesn't or whatever the case may be that one day they will get something that their sister doesn't. It's is just part of life.....My girls are different ages so I think that some things are fair when an older one gets to do something when the others don't. In your case that is not so, I know.
I just wanted to let you know that I get it ---- this is a huge struggle at my house and with three VERY dramatic girls always ends in tears and screams.....
I'm sorry!
I feel like one of the things my mom did best (I am one of nine kids) is just take the approach that life is NOT fair. It's not. Sometimes my siblings might get more marshmellows, or a a cooler birthday, or whatever. She loved me, didn't favor one of us over another, anything like that. But life is not fair. One of the phrases she least tolerated from us was "it's not fair!". Fair is we all spend eternity without God because we are imperfect. Life is not fair, thank goodness for us all. This sounds harsh because it's not popular, but it is Biblical. I'm more thankful for her teaching me this at a young age than almost anything.
I heard the book "Siblings without Rivalry" is a good one. I have been meaning to pick it up, but maybe you may want to look into it as well.
I liked the first response. It really handles the manner or pointing out things are different vs keeping track of everything being even or fair out of our hands. Like you, I try my best to keep things somewhat fair without letting it consume us. But sometimes, these little people manage to knock me off balance :)
the world wants to justify coveting and water it down but i would encourage you to continue what your doing in discouraging that. we qoute James 4:2 a LOT in our house. "You want something but don't get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have, because you do not ask God."
Have you ever seen that commercial where the mom gets one kid to cut the sandwich and the other gets to pick which piece he wants. in the same thought I would recommend letting them put the marshmallows on the next cup themselves and then have them give the one they fix to the other sibling.
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