The phrase that I remember most annoying my mother as a child was when we would yell, "That's not fair!" Her response was generally a statement that life is not always fair. And while that is true, as a child I found it maddening. I have briefly pondered my own response for when the time invariably came that I would be required to use it.
My friend, Priscilla, who has 4 children, generally responds to her children that "the fair is in October," referring to our annual valley fair. I have always chuckled at her response, as a possible comical response to my own children when they started spouting out their frustration with the injustice of their world.
Tonight we had our first experience with this unfortunate and frustrating phrase...and ironically, we were AT the annual valley fair. We had enjoyed a fun-filled, Fall evening of family time. Other than P's unexpected bee sting as we were waiting in line for a ride, there were plenty of laughs and giggles.
As we were preparing to leave, everyone was allowed to choose one final activity. K excitedly chose a ride. R had his eye on a midway game involving water guns and targets. P was undecided. As R sat down in front of his water gun, K decided she had made a mistake. She really wanted to do this game. We stood by our original decision that everyone was allowed one more thing and she had chosen hers, but allowed her to sit on the stool and pretend. No one else took a seat, so the woman running the game rang the bell and allowed R to start. In what I know she assumed would be an act of kindness, she also turned K's gun on--allowing her to actually compete. R won the game and was allowed to choose a prize, then the WAILING began.
There were more cries of "That's not fair!" and "But, I really wanted to win a prize!" than I care to recall. P still had a final ride to go, so we endured 5 more minutes of protests before making our exit. Daddy & I each took our turns speaking with her one on one about the fact that she made a choice, that she can't win all the time, that everyone doesn't get a prize in every competition, etc... She was not buying. She sniffled on the way home--still telling me how unjust she thought it all was.
When we arrived home, R kindly offered to let her hold his prized 'snake friend' until we got up to their rooms. Trouble was, she did not want to give it back. The surrender led to a whole new round of tears. She finally calmed down enough for a sweet bedtime and as I walked out of her room she quietly, but defiantly added, "I just really wanted to get a prize, Mama!"
I want my children to know that I hear their emotion and respect their disappointment, but at some point enough is enough. Our job, afterall, is to lead them through these waters. Goodness knows life brings disappointment. As parents, we are here to teach them how to handle it.
So, how do you handle "That's not fair!" in your home?
16 comments:
We usually talk to them the same way y'all did. Something about "I hear you" and "you have a right to be disappointed" but "you can't throw a fit" and "the game/experience/whatever was worth it even if it didn't turn out exactly as you planned."
It sinks in after several years - just repeat the same speech 500 times and you're there. :)
Haha...we call "fair" the "f-word" in our house. I'm with Tari...and with you sticking to your guns.
I've always thought it was important NOT to bend over backwards to make life "fair" because it never will be. I think they are a lot happier when they know that things aren't always even...and even though that stinks sometimes, it's OK.
J-
We have not encountered it yet as mine are just 1 and3, but I have thought about it alot. I think that when the time comes we will tell them that some things we have to opportunity to make "fair", but other things are life and you have to go with what you get. God doesn't have to give everyone the exact same...we are all individuals. That said, ask me again next year..haha.
Michelle
My husband usually tells me to stop whining : ) No, seriously, we have not had to deal with it yet, but I know it is coming soon. I may have to keep this post on favorites to refer to the comments when they get a little older.
We had an early incident with our middle child back in 1986 or 87 when he was in First grade that made a big impact on him. His younger brother, who was in preschool at the same International/American school in Norway, had stayed home that day because of illness. I had taken him to the doctor and after receiving a none-too-pleasant examination and medication, I treated him to a small toy. Once his elder brother arrived home after school, he noticed the toy. He started pouting and being sullen. I asked him what was wrong and he asked if Chris had received a toy. I replied indeed he had. Then he asked if I had bought him one. I told him no, he wasn't sick and hadn't been to the doctor. More pouting. I asked him if he thought everything his brother got, he should receive as well. He emphatically agreed. I asked him again if he was sure he wanted everything that his brother got. Again, he quickly nodded his head and said of course he should. So I reached over and gave him a big spanking.
"WHAT was THAT for?" came the startled reply.
"Well, your brother got a spanking today and I only wanted to be fair."
I never heard another accusation about not being fair from that child for the next 15 years.
Sorry to comment again but my mom always told us that while life is definitely NOT fair, we had a responsibility to be as fair as we possibly could. It wasn't fair that Jesus was crucified on the cross, but he did it for us because he loved us. So when we thought something wasn't fair, we should remember that.
I did not take the time to read all the comments but I think you did the right thing by sticking to your original agreement.
I was raised by a mother(who I love very much) that really emphasized our "feelings" and wanted us to feel "heard", etc. While there is some value in this,the Bible clearly teaches that we should not emphasize self,instead we should decrease self. As a young adult,it was an adjustment for me to think of myself less as I had been trained to think of myself a lot!We adults know how hard this is, so yes it is much harder for children. However, there is so much value to begin talking with them about this at a young age. They see pretty quickly that they cannot focus on others (love others) the way God asks,which illustrates perfectly their need for a Savior. It is loving them by teaching them early that life is not fair. The great news is that God has extended His grace to us and that is certainly something we do not deserve!
Sorry for the long post! ;) Just an added note, have you or your husband heard of "Shepherding Your Child's Heart?" I don't think you can start reading that book too soon.It is so biblical and helpful!
My dad always told me and my siblings...Nobody ever said life was fair!...I find myself saying the same thing to my kids, but now I will be thinking about this more and try to really help them understand. Life isn't fair...
Actually we handle it the same way you did. With multiple children it invariably happens throughout the days where one is treated to something or something happens where the outcome is different for one than the other. We do encounter this now, and are assured to in the future...I have explained to them that I understand how frustrating and disappointing sometimes the outcomes are and it is ok to feel that but as with everything - how we handle that(those) emotions is usually the test....Keep in mind this explanation usually works right now with just Andrew. We relate to him general, somewhat non-descriptive examples of Andy and his brothers, or my siblings of stuff that happened or still happens.
Sometimes to many words, just muddles it all up, so sometimes we use the - get what you get, and be glad you got that! Or the simple "quit whining" - if we have had it. After a while that is what they are doing and it becomes another issue entirely - so alot of these moments are teachable, sometimes the simple - get over it approach nips things in the bud. I have found that too much explaining just draws it out. Say your "teaching" thing once, maybe twice, after that - the tough love kicks in for me. They will get over it, mature, and move on.
We are in the issue some since we have an older child that he is allowed certain privileges that obviously our 3 year old isn't - and we simply say b/c he is older - and that is about as simple as it can get and the truth too.
I apologize if that did not clear anything up - sometimes it isn't so clear, but you handled it great.
Sorry if this is repetitive. I have tried to explain to my kids from the moment they learned the word fair that it does NOT mean everyone gets exactly the same thing/amount all the time. Fair means that I choose what is best for each child all the time and that I never love one more than another. Sometimes one child will get more treats or more snuggles or more responsiblities or more punishment. Yes, I do explain the whole "life is not always fair" concept, but I want them to understand that fair means doing what is BEST for each of them, not ensuring that each of them has the same number of rides. My job is not to make sure they have exactly the same number of toys or treats each day; sometimes choices they've made dictate that such "equality" would not be BEST for them on that particular day. I know it still mostly goes over their heads, but they seem to be getting it.
You're right ... life IS full of disappointments, and we usually handle similar incidents in much the same way you did. I feel their pain and let them know I understand that things didn't turn out the way they would like, but I wouldn't be doing them ANY favors at all if I let them get their own way every time.
They are not going to understand right now, and that's okay. We as parents have to remember that a few tears while they are children are much preferable to the lifetime of heartache they will surely reap if they do not learn to handle disappointment early in life.
I would always tell my children, "No, life is NOT fair. If life were fair, Jesus wouldn't have had to die on the cross for our sins. Praise God, life isn't fair or we wouldn't be able to have a relationship with Him."
And when they were older, I would tell them, "Praise God that life's NOT fair for if life WERE fair and we really got what we deserved; we would face separation from God and Hell."
well unfortunately it is better to learn young and prepare them because teen years you will hear the same thing except much more aggressively unfortunately.
I have always been sympathetic as well and told my children I hear you and empathise. The sentence I use now more than ever with my teenaged son is, life is not always fair son, but look at all the things that are fair, let's make a list! We did that for a long time and now he say's no I can see the list in my head lol.
They must know that things to them don't always seem fair but look at ALL the things that were fair at the fair(no pun intended) the lists were a big visual for my kid's.
sorry I wanted to also say, sticking to your gun's is definately key , once the giving in line is crossed, it presents a whole new set of problems.
I'm so glad you didn't give in. You are setting a precedent. It is hard for children to understand, but learning it at a young age, they probably won't even remember the lesson itself. LIFE IS NOT FAIR! But we serve a JUST God and we can trust Him!
Our children have to take turns. Even getting new clothing, we can't do it all at once in one pay period. They are learning that it usually all evens out in the end. Not always and easy lesson.
One thing that helped when the older ones were younger, is modeling proper behavior for them. My husband and I would act out how they acted in a certain situation or make up a situation and then do it properly. Good attitudes, no whining, thankful heart, etc.
bless you, dear mommy
I think it's also important when you see a moment like this coming, to set it up so they hopefully remember how to act. For example, we used to eat out at an old diner that had a Pac Man game and one of those grabber-stuffed-animal-machines. The boys would get one or the other if they ate most of their dinner, but we would warn them ahead of time that their choice was their choice and they couldn't have both. And, if Pac Man ended quickly or the grabber failed to pick up an animal there wouldn't be seconds. It didn't work too well at the beginning, but eventually they got the idea and we no longer leave the restaurant with one or both in tears.
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