As the children grow older one of the dynamics that is rearing its ugly head is the matter of competitiveness. The interesting thing is how it manifests itself within their relationships with each other.
R is extremely competitive. He is sports-oriented and is frequently being spoken to about his 'anything to win' approach. R is always watching and keeping score regarding how I interact with the other children. If I invent a silly tickle game with one of his siblings he is in my face demanding I do exactly the same thing with him. "No, I want you to do just like what you were doing with P..."
K is also competitive, but in a bit more of an emotional, female way. She plays hard and gives things everything she's got; therefore, when she doesn't win she takes it very personally. She is a slightly further along developmentally and her coordination seems to be a bit more advanced, allowing her to sometimes 'beat' R in athletic endeavors (especially running). It infuriates him. While he is seething, she is smirking. It would almost be funny to observe if it weren't so worrisome for me, as far as how to keep it all reigned in. We have lots of tears shed as a result of their rivalry.
P, on the other hand, plays only what he enjoys and really has zero desire to compete. Tuesday night at our first teeball lesson K & R were at the front of the pack of 14 four year olds running the bases. The two of them were running with everything they had, throwing elbows, cutting corners, whatever it took to stay in the lead (as I cringed from the stands). Meanwhile, P was next to last, a full base or more behind them running joyfully with the biggest grin on his face! He has told me on more than one occasion as they play the Wii or some other game. "I don't like to win." Since his father and I are both very Type A we rejoice in what his approach teaches us, but honestly do struggle to understand him sometimes. :-)
My husband & I are extremely careful to not set them up for competition with one another. Minimizing some of this predisposition towards comparison is one of the primary reasons we chose to split them up in school at this age. Yet, I know that human nature will inevitably lead them to compare themselves to each other and to others.
I am doing my best to surrender this area to the Lord. I continue to petition God for wisdom in managing the issue of comparison and pray He will help them each grasp how fearfully, wonderfully and UNIQUELY made they are.
7 comments:
My daughter is the same way. However, she compares herself to her cousins, since she is an only child. "Mommy, I'm not throwing a fit." or "Mommy, I'm faster!" We need to work on her pride. How do I explain that to a four-year-old.
wow this brings back memories. when my son was (and is still so much like P.)in second grade they recognised the children in open assembly for good grades and honor roll. All the grades would come into the huge auditorium and by grades the teacher would announce honor roll report card grades and when they called out the A students the kids would eww and ahh and recieve the "Super Star award" My son always made A honor roll and they would call his name and he would just sit there, as he despised going up there to be recognized. He came home one day from school and told me he was never going to make A's again ever and he did NOT. So I comprimised and told him IF you will do your best work, that which you are capable of I will ask your teacher to not recognize you anymore. He went back to making straight A'S.
I loved that humbleness in him. He made a statement that he did not need the attention and I was so grateful for that, he to this day is still like that and I love that trait in him. I see so much rivalry in children today, competion is a huge deal even as young as preschool.
I taught my kid's about the fun in the sport and we are all unique in our own talents. The competion is a whole issue in itself, but I know you will do just great with it!
Leaving the matter in God's hands is the only way to handle it, I think, along with praying for His guidance in how to best handle it. Competition is a constant undercurrent between my older boys...despite the fact that they participate in almost none of the same activities.
My youngest (who like your kiddos is also 4), on the other hand, well...his favorite part of soccer is hugging the coach after his team scores. All you can do is laugh, love, and continue to appreciate them for the completely unique little people that they are. And from what I've read on your blog, you do just that. Your kids are very blessed in their mother, I think.
It sounds like you are doing a great job...very aware of their inner spirits and the issues at hand.
I love reading about the challenges of having 3 all at the same age and stage. It makes the challenges I have w/3 years in between seem minute. Yet I learn so much from you!
I'm sure it's so interesting to see all that in the same age. I have children that fit into each of those, but are different ages! Our Thaddeus is a lot like P. He played soccer and did a great job, but didn't have that competitive edge that made him aggressive--like his older brother and sister.
He loves the stage though, like his oldest brother 'Daniel'. Singing and dancing, playing piano and making people laugh. So, I try to let him explore those areas more than the sports. He's great at it too. :)
Belle and JR and super comptetitive like R & K. It IS challenging, but just keep driving home that they are siblings and on the SAME team! It could be the whole world against them and they gotta stick together. I've had that backfire on the playground, but overall it has worked well! :)
Ugh! You must have been at our soccer practice last night (in Austin, Tx.)!! ;) We are struggling with the VERY same thing. I knew this was going to be a huge learning experience for our son but also a very important one. If someone is faster than us, we cry. If the kids don't give us the ball, we cry. It is frustrating as a mother to say the very least. Last night after I was able to take a step back I had to remind myself that this is part of learning for him and he is only 4 years old. I have been praying a lot for patience and guidance.
I have come to visit a lot but I don't think I have ever posted. My how I just LOVED your example of leaving K behind. You knew it was for the best but yet you knew at 4 she didn't understand. I think I have been in that same spot a time or two and GOD has left me too. He knew what was best for me and I thank him for that.
My son is almost 13 but I remember leaving him in preschool. His best friend Seth would cry every day but Logan was just fine (I was surprised since he was an only child, We had problems getting pregnant and what I thought would take 9 months took 8 1/2 years) any way about 2 weeks into school I go to leave and Logan starts crying. Now I knew what my girlfriend had been going though. It took everything in me to leave but I knew I must. After that he day he was fine. They called it a delayed reaction!
Your kids are ADORABLE and I am sure they will be WONDERFUL adults. You and your hubby are doing a great job.
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