I play imaginative games with the children all day long. We pretend we are cats, dogs, race cars, pirates, princesses, babies...you name it. We have birthday parties for imaginary friends, for heaven's sake! I love encouraging their creativity and story telling. We have recently reached an age where this imaginative play is starting to spill over into the need for real life truth.
One of my sons, in particular, has a tendency to lie to me to avoid punishment. Thankfully, he has a quirky thing he does with his eyelids when he is lying, so I can bust him with a fair bit of certainty. (May it always be so!)
Anyway, as I have lectured them and emphasized the absolute importance of speaking truth, I have found myself conflicted over some of the acceptable stories we tell our children. Each time I am tempted to tell a white lie like 'so and so is closed tonight' when the truth is that I just don't want to go there, I am reminded that I must model what I want them to be.
I follow a parenting strategy that my own parents used, which was always telling us the truth about things--even when the subjects were tough. Don't misunderstand me, I don't tell them more than they are equipped to process, but I don't make up cutesie stories to avoid real life either. My husband and I have chosen to tell them a simplified truth, on their level. For example, when someone dies, we talk about it. They know the word cancer. They understand that my friend KP was in jail. They understand that the children in the group home I am involved in are there because their parents are sick or have made bad choices. So far, I am pleased with the results of parenting this way.
But yesterday I started thinking about the mythical characters that we perpetuate in the interest of creating a fun childhood for our children. I am not anti-Santa, Easter Bunny or the Tooth Fairy. I think of them as fun traditions--much like a game. But now that the children are starting to ask deeper questions about the world around them, I am feeling just a little convicted and frankly, having a hard time breaking my basic parenting strategy of truth telling. When they ask me directly, how am I supposed to fudge truth?
Specifically, yesterday, when K & I were putting together a puzzle she received for her birthday. The subject of the puzzle was fairies, princesses, castles and a unicorn.
"Mom, are there princesses in real life?"
"Yes. In other countries, there are. Princesses are real. Fairies are not."
Suddenly all 3 children swarmed me with concerned faces, 'Yes they are!!! There is the Tooth Fairy and the Potty Fairy..."
Oops! I wasn't thinking....
"Oh, yeah," I replied.
I don't want to rob them of this part of childhood. It is so fun! We all turned out Ok and have forgiven our parents for misleading us on this. But, I'd love to hear some of your thoughts. Let's discuss!
13 comments:
I have sort of a policy where, if truth is better than fantasy, we'll go with truth. So, at Christmas and Easter, we don't celebrate with Santa or the Easter bunny. My girls of course see them all around and people ask what they're getting from Santa or whatever, but they know that Santa and the Easter Bunny are pretend "people" like Mickey Mouse, and we focus only on Jesus for both of those holidays. (That's just been our personal choice as a family--please no offense meant to anyone who celebrates otherwise!)
However, all the other fun, imaginary stuff? The sky is the limit. We have a Spring Bunny who visits on the first day of spring and leaves a fun breakfast and packets of flower seeds. On St. Patrick's Day, a naughty leprachaun visits in the night. My daughter is just about to lose her first tooth, and I can't wait to sprinkle some "fairy dust" around her room and surprise her with something under her pillow. We also love to pretend play all day long and assign human qualities to all the dolls and animals around. I think my girls are convinced (from hearing Raggedy Ann stories) that their dollies get up and play together as soon as they're asleep!
So, that's kind of what we do. I'd love to know about a Potty Fairy though! What does she do? I think we need her!! :-)
I agree with Alice. We've never done Santa or Easter Bunny with our kids, either, simply because the truth is better.
Plus, while the easter bunny and santa claus are not real, Jesus is. And we never wanted to one day have to say, "Oh, well, no, Santa doesn't really come down the chimney to bring you presents. But even though you can't see Jesus, either, he's real and we want you to believe in Him."
#2: Why let santa get all the credit for the great gifts?
We have teenagers so my perspective is a little different than those with little ones.
We did play Santa Claus and Easter Bunny, while also imparting the truth of Jesus. I don't know how it worked, but it did.
Maybe because Jesus was in our conversations, our home - our lives - DAILY, and Santa and the Easter bunny were in our conversations and our actions for a couple of days once a year.
As they got older and stopped "believing" in Santa Claus we reminded them that there was indeed a real Saint Nicholas who was giving and kind; and that is the person who "Santa Claus" is meant to represent. They never once questioned the reality of Christ or seemed to wonder if He was make believe also, again maybe because He has always been the center of our home. As far as getting credit for the gifts - I always reminded myself that it was a first lesson on giving without receiving credit. Children don't know it at the time, but when "Santa" leaves a present, a lesson is being formed in their hearts that somebody else did that while not getting credit. That is a lesson on selflessness and humility.
Our kids also never felt lied to because of what we consider the magic of childhood WE gave to them - Santa and the Easter Bunny. I know this because I have recently asked them.
Whether you choose to do Santa and the Easter Bunny, and all the other "fantasies" of childhood; my vote would be to be as creative and imaginative as you can with your little ones. It is how their minds develop. I believe kids have a remarkable way of working through what is real in their world; when the time is right for them.
We do Santa, the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy...and I will never admit to the kids that they aren't real even when they come home saying, "But so and so..." I always tell them that I believe in all of those things and just let them come to their own terms with it all when they are old enough... I still ask my 13-year-old what he wants from Santa even though he says, "Oh right, Mom!" They find out from other kids soon enough, and I also want them to know in our house we "believe" so the older ones don't "ruin" it for the younger ones. I always stress the religious part of the holiday more and explain how Santa and the Easter Bunny are symbols of these important events too, and my kids have never really "drilled" me on specifics...maybe I'm lucky that way. I can't let go of those traditions but still can see other's point of view when they are uncomfortable with them.
I think some of the little ways we set examples for them make much more of a difference...like telling a friend who will be disappointed why you can't go to a party (when you really just don't want to) or exagerrating something that happened (there were a million ducks chasing us!) I've been caught doing both of these and kids will really call you on them...and then you know they know the difference!
My daughter is only 20 months; so we haven't come across this yet.
But we have discussed it, and we really like the way my aunt and uncle do it. They have a book about the real St.Nicholas - who he was, what he did - that they read to their kids.
But they also "play" Santa Clause and Easter Bunny, much like their kids pretend in other games. They have also explained to their kids that other children believe he is real and that it's not their place to tell them otherwise.
I think my hubby and I might go along this route... "playing" Santa Clause, Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy, but with the understanding that we are "pretending" and that it's not real.
I'm an adult, sans kids or a husband, but I'll share what my mom did with us, which I think in retrospect was very smart. She had several books, one for every season, with titles like, Santa, Are You For Real? that would explain the real story behind St. Nick or others, and how they are part of the Christian tradition. Never do they say explicitly that Santa and the Easter Bunny AREN'T real, just present the true story behind the legends. Eventually I figured out that the books were saying we do these things in the tradition of St. Nick, and that it was my parents that were putting out stockings and hiding Easter eggs, but never felt like they had purposefully deceived me in any way.
I don't have a problem with Santa, the Easter Bunny, etc, but honestly we just don't perpetuate the idea of these characters to our son. He has seen Santa and seems to get that it is a big guy dressed up in red clothes. I guess it really blew it for him when he had a picture taken with Santa and then saw him shopping for paint at Home Depot just minutes later. This year he made the connection between the Easter Bunny and the fact that it is a person in that suit. Frankly, he was little freaked out. We don't talk about these characters, but if he chooses to believe we don't have a problem with it either. Isn't part of being a child being able to indulge in a little fantasy without having to be concerned with reality?
Just my take on it all!
By the way, my husband's family is so anti-Santa, Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy, etc that the kids on that side are the most cynical kids that I have ever met, all before the age of 5!
I've always wondered why Christians teach their children about the Easter Bunny and make such a big deal about it on the morning of the Resurrection! We didn't do that with our kids, and they didn't seem to care. I tried to make Egg Hunts a "Spring" thing.
We operate similar to the other posters. We talk about Santa and the Easter Bunny, partially because it's hard to avoid the mythology in our culture.
But we never act as if they are real. We just explain that they are fun stories with pretend creatures.
I don't think this is difficult for imaginative kids to grasp. After all, they often imagine they are playing ball with Clifford or going on a hunt with Dora. Obviously, these aren't real people. But it's still fun to pretend.
We have chosen to only focus on Jesus during the holidays. We have never done the santa or Easter bunny thing. I must say though that I SO miss it!! I absolutely loved it as a child. I some how feel like my children are missing out. I know that they are not, but sometimes I think that it would be so fun to do it just once.
I just love the magic and fun of childhood and remember with sadness the cynicism of some neighbor girls from my own childhood whose parents told them the truth about everything from birth. We do Santa to a very limited degree in our family. The focus at Christmas is so much more on Christ than it is Santa that the kids see the big red guy as just a fun part of the holiday but definitely not the focus.
As far as fairies go, we have the Tooth Fairy and the House Fairy who comes each afternoon and checks the kids' rooms before they get home from school. If the rooms pass inspection, they have a treat left on their bed that is their after school snack. If things are amiss, she has a "report card" that she leaves instead indicating the problem (messy room, morning chores not done, messy bathroom). If the House Fairy did not deem their housekeeping worthy of a treat, then don't get one from me UNTIL their room passes my inspection (and my treats are NEVER as good as what the HF leaves!)
When one of my daughters started questioning the existence of the House Fairy, I simply took her to www.housefairy.org where are several videos done by the amazing people at FlyLady.com.
I am astounded at how much better they keep their rooms now and really can't see that it's harming them at all ...
We do not do Santa or the Easter Bunny or the Tooth Fairy. We celebrate Christ and his wonder.
Our son is five and this year was the first time peer pressure came into play. We got a wonderful book about the Legend of St. Nick and told him that some parents teach their kids that Santa is real and that is their choice.
We said the best way to spread God's love IS NOT to say to friends "Santa isn't real.” but to say I believe in God and his love. It for their parents to guide them about Santa, not their friends. Oh course you get a room full of kindergarteners talking about “what Santa going to bring me…” it is hard for anyone. We just say “I am looking forward to ……on Christmas.”
We also only give our son three gifts on Christmas, so it brings it back to why we are celebrating. (But being the only grandchild with a host of relatives he cleans up without us.)
Being five, he kind of gets it but it is still a "stuff day". We are prayerfully starting a life long tradition.
I think the concept of "He who is faithful in that which is LEAST is faithful also in MUCH" comes to play here. Little white lies, Mama lies, etc. are just as dangerous because it desensitizes us to the importance of honesty. Its important to be honest with our children, even if it means telling them they can't do something because you don't think its appropriate, or its not affordable, is ok. When they ask a question that isn't age appropriate they can learn that there are some things we don't talk about because they are private or rude or whatever the circumstance might be.
As for "harmless" things like Christmas, Easter, and the Tooth Fairy, we need to consider the origins of where these things come from and what is really behind them. We have wonderful stories behind Christmas and Easter, why waste the holiday on a Bunny and Santa. There isn't any Christ in that? Why not have a special reward/treat for you child, from you, when they lose a tooth. We can make special memories for our children without focusing on fantasy.
This is a struggle we all have to face individually. When we take a stand, (trying to keep a positive attitude and not a self-righteous one), its an opportunity to give people who don't see things my way something new to think about.
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