Tonight we were at an event when a limo bus full of prom attendees stopped by. My sweet K said, "Mommy! I can see that girl's chest in her dress! That's private." I couldn't help but giggle. If only that teen girl knew that she has been cited by the modesty police in the form of a three year old.
A couple of good friends and I have been talking this week about how to train up our children in the way of modesty--even at this young age. Having mixed gender, same aged children has started to present some interesting conversations. As a preparation for their older years, a website I have been enjoying is Vicki Courtney's Virtue Alert.
Although we are (thankfully) a long way from adolescence, I do believe we are laying important foundations now. By teaching our boys chivalry and respect for women and their elders we are building 'line upon line' a foundation for future lessons. I want my boys to open doors for women, to stand when a female approaches our table and to always address others with courtesy and respect.
Likewise, by teaching our daughter that her identity is secure as a beloved child of God and attractiveness is based in her heart and strength of character, not her body--I hope we can proactively counter many of the lies of the world. I have started attempting to tell her she is beautiful in the most typically unattractive times (like first thing in the morning) or center my compliments on her kindness or hard work instead of appearance. I want K to expect respect and chivalry from men.
I want my children to appreciate the inherent gifts of their genders...for the boys to be strong, confident men and for K to enjoy being a lady.
This is a monumental task, that I know we will be addressing for another decade or two. I am anxious for more ideas. What are you doing (or have you done) with your little ones to build a foundation for a godly/healthy view of gender?
12 comments:
Well, we don't have little ones, but we are still in the throes of child rearing with teenagers.
We always said our kids would not "car date" until they were 16.
When our son, at age 15, started going with a girl who was a year older and could already drive, people laughed at us when we would not allow him to go anywhere in her car with her. They assumed that rule was for our daughter only. But, no, we held firm with our son as well.
We don't let our daughter wear any pants that have writing on the back side. I have told her that the writing only draws attention to her bottom and we don't need boys and men staring at her bottom. She's only allowed to wear that kind of clothes at home; and even then not if her brother (who's almost 17)has friends over.
We have often told our son "the world is not as safe for girls as it is for boys," and therefore he has had to be a little more diligent in helping keep an eye on his sister, like when she was 12, he had to stay home with her at night, whereas when he was 12, he could be home for awhile alone.
We never, ever, ever allowed teasing about weight or looks in our house, because girls can be so sensitive about those things and it can lead to many problems. Our son has never called his sister ugly or fat. He's called her other things, I'm sure, but not those things......
Sorry, I'll quit now.
Interesting post that has me thinking.
My oldest is only 33 months but I have already started with him teaching him to open doors for girls and to let them go first and constantly reminding him to be respectful, nice, never hit girls, etc...he is young, but I too want him to be chivalrous. My daughter is beautiful on the outside, and even at only 17 months I can tell we are going to have to work hard with her to teach her that her true beauty is what her heart looks like to God and to others.
Being in youth ministry, we see all sorts of kids messed up because no one taught them things like this. The modesty issue is UNbelievable...even in the Bible belt, small town we live in...it is just out of hand! So thank you for teaching them...I hope everyone else will too! :)
My children are also young, J. But I have lots of ideas and concepts. The books that have helped me the most (at this point, anyway) are John Eldredge's books "Captivated" and "Wild at Heart." I think they gave me a really well-rounded, Biblical view of femininity and masculinity.
Thanks so much for the Virtue Alert link. This is an issue that is very heavy on my heart right now because I feel like our kids are bombarded with oversexualized images from every angle. Since you know what I do for a living, I know you can imagine how deep my fears for my own kids (especially Maggie) run. Brian and I are hypervigilant about the issue of modesty. We also do not allow ANY talk of having crushes on boys or talking about kissing. We don't get upset, we just tell her that's not something that is appropriate for girls her age. We have always told her this, so it's really not an issue for her, but it is an issue when she has friends around because it seems that's all they want to talk about (and they are SEVEN...and from Christian homes!) I was sharing this with an older friend of mine the other day, and she was remarking that things were "the same" when she was in school 40 years ago (meaning young kids Maggie's age have always talked about that stuff). I told her (respectfully)that things are completely different now because of all the "sex" that our kids are exposed to in the media. Statistics make it clear too that kids are becoming sexually active at younger and younger ages, so we MUST set a different and higher standard than our parents did. And you are so right that the flip side of this coin lies in teaching our boys to be chivalrous and respectful of girls. Can you tell that I obsess about this a lot??? In the last week, there have been several times that I have suggested to Brian that there might be a mountain top somewhere with our family's name on it...
One thing we have tried to do (with three girls) is definetly address the modesty issue with clothes - nothing too short, too revealing etc; and they choose their clothes and interestingly enough my oldest (she just turned six) chooses her barbies and their clothes according to those guidelines. We have also (already) been faced with constantly letting them know they are beautiful because of their creator - He made them beautiful and He made them how they are for a reason. We show them what is really important about their appearances through what we say, how we treat them, and how we talk about ourselves (which for me is a challenge because I look in the mirror and see hair that is graying - weight that is not coming off...etc;). I find the girls repeating stuff I say and it is not always what I want them to pick up :)... But my husband and I try really hard to talk about how they are beautiful because God created them - they are good and worthy because of who made them. One last thing (sorry for super long comment) I have noticed that for my husband to tell them they are pretty means SO much more to them than when I say it - my approval still matters - but Daddy's is like gold to them. It is SO good to hear him tell them that they are beautiful with or without that hairstyle, new dress, or shoes...he will often times say : "you make the dress - the dress does not make you". I LOVE this post - it is a great reminder to prepare and lay the foundation now! Sunshine
Love your heart on this!
We have one boy and two girls. My husband has read Raising a Modern Day Knight to help with the boy part of chilvary. Have you checked this out? HE loved it and I have only read bits and pieces. We enjoy it more b/c we are the Knights! :)
Thank you for this link--I'll be checking it out. As the mother of two girls (almost 5 and 2) this is an issue at our house, and I'm always glad for new resources. With my older daughter, we've already had the Hannah Montana discussion and why we don't want her to emulate her because she doesn't really dress modestly (sorry, if I'm stepping on anyone's toes! Just a choice for our family.)
I think we have been doing much the same as you--focusing on our girls' character traits and praising them for it. Also, when they play dress-up in their princess dresses, I usually use the words "fancy" or "brilliant" rather than "beautiful" since I don't want them merely associating beauty with being dressed up or outward things...
G had the girls memorize 1 Peter 3:3 "Your beauty should not come from outward adonment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit." I loved hearing them recite these words, and we remind them whenever the subject comes up. Also, in the Message instead of fine clothes it says the "cut of your clothes" This was a great post.
G had the girls memorize 1 Peter 3:3 "Your beauty should not come from outward adonment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit." I loved hearing them recite these words, and we remind them whenever the subject comes up. Also, in the Message instead of fine clothes it says the "cut of your clothes" This was a great post.
Sorry for the double post and the "r" in adornment! :)
You didn't realize it, but you just wrote almost exactly what our preacher said at church yesterday. He even went a step further to remind us that we should focus more on how we adorn our inward body instead of our outward body.
Modesty has always been a hot topic here with two young girls. I feel like you, if I work hard now to make them understand their worth and value in God's eyes, I hope they will want to act more like a child of God in all they do later on. I hope we are right!
I'm eager to check out that link and read the other comments. I think this is quite important. Thanks for the insight.
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