Goodbye to Haley

January 16

This morning I watched everyone in my family tell our 14 year old chocolate lab, Haley, goodbye. She completely lost use of her back legs the day before. She had to be carried for food, water and to urinate and defecate. Her tail was between her legs and her eyes begged for relief.

My husband spoiled her with delicious duck meat for breakfast. The kids hugged her and rubbed her ears. They knew I was taking her to the vet while they were at school and that the outlook was grim, but the hopefulness of youth still ruled their hearts.

I carried her to the car at 9:30 and drove with all the courage I could muster to the Vet. I called my husband (who was at work) for a last minute pep talk. As I carried her in from the car, our vet and one of his tech's was waiting to open the door and take her from me. We carried her back to an exam room and after placing her on the table, we all made the decision that it was her time.

My last mental picture of her is her sweet grey face with splotches of pink from my lipstick kisses.

The children knew I was taking her to the vet while they were at school--and that she might not come home. The reality still hit them hard.

As Parker mourned he said, "I knew her my whole life. I have known Haley as long as I have known you, Mom. She was always there for me when I was sad and now I have to go through this without her."

Lots of conversations about how there is no easy way to do a hard thing and love is worth it.

But, ugh.

January 9-15, 2018

"Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom." 
Psalm 90:12

I am continuing my life snapshots and weekly wrap-ups with observations and lessons learned from the first two weeks of 2018. This exercise is taking some of the pressure off my rusty writing legs and prompting me to seek God the lessons of my days. Don't expect fully formed thoughts...

January 9
On these cold Winter days, I have taken to sitting in my car in the driveway or a bit longer once I arrive home (especially during the day when I am alone.) The heated seats in my Suburban are so toasty, it is hard to leave. I refer to it as my home office. This afternoon I paid particular attention to the hydrangea bushes along my front drive. They are lush and productive and stunning when in bloom--but right now they look like dead sticks. If I didn't know how glorious they are in Spring and Summer, I would did them up and throw them out...but I have seen their potential and know they are just dormant now. A powerful metaphor for me...dormant does not equal dead. Things and people have seasons. Don't judge them by a snapshot from only one.

January 10 
"Expose and dismantle the faithless, graceless ways we parent, Father. Free us from our overbearing and under-believing ways. Forgive us for being more anxious than loving--more likely to nag or brag without ceasing than pray and trust without ceasing." -Scotty Ward Smith

Just loved this quote today.

January 11 
Parker participated in (and took 2nd place) at the school-wide Spelling Bee. For a child that struggles with anxiety, it is a big deal to put himself out there in such a high stakes, visible way in front of his peers. Next stop, Round One of State!

January 12 
Participated in TBRI training for the third time in three years. This trauma-informed training on how to love kids from hard places well is excellent. The first year I attended we had just gone through our first failed foster placement and I felt sick and ashamed through many of the lectures. I wished desperately I had known better how to handle LuLu.

The second year, some of my guilt and shame were gone and I was able to hear more from the standpoint of "when we know better we do better." I was also able to learn tips and tricks that could improve my parenting of my own children who have some sensory issues as a result of a traumatic pregnancy and NICU stay.

This third time, I couldn't help praying constantly for the next child or children in our home as we have tentatively set a date to re-open our home April 1.

January 13 
Area wrestling tournament. Parker was sick and could not compete and Ryland wasn't able to drop pounds to make weight--fine by the Mama! Today I appreciated what an encourager and team player Ryland is. He stayed at the tourney for 8 hours and cheered his teammates on with so much enthusiasm he was hoarse. I delighted in his back patting and genuine support of his teammates. He's the guy you want in your corner.

January 14 
Driving lessons at the farm. How can it be that my kiddos will have learners' permits in 16 months??!!

January 15 
Haley, our 14 year old chocolate lab, lost use of her back legs. She now has to be carried to go to the bathroom or get food and water. I am not ready to write all about this yet except that the conversations with my children were meaningful and important. There is no easy way to do hard things because hard things are hard.

Love in Real Life

A couple of weeks ago I was in a bookstore with my children when the young couple caught my eye.

It was the sound of their laughter that first attracted my attention. The way they leaned into each other around an oversized book he was holding drew me in. The couple, in their early twenties were standing in front of the pet books, arms interlocked and heads tilted close enough to almost touch as they giggled over a large dog encyclopedia. I observed them long enough to watch them settle down at a table in the Starbucks cafe and flip leisurely through the pages--talking excitedly about the pros and cons of various breeds of dogs. 

I confess I was a bit more of a stalker than I intended to be, but I couldn't stop watching them. The whole scene tapped into something bittersweet in my heart--reminding me of the hours Ryland and I spent during our engagement and first year of marriage discussing our ideal dog. We hovered over our large desktop PC in our Virginia apartment many nights after work before finally selecting our chocolate lab, Haley (who turns 13 years old in a few weeks.)

As I stood in line waiting for my coffee, I wondered what it was about this particular scene that caused such a twinge in my heart. I realized it was the time and space to just sit in a coffee shop together and dream about the future that seemed so far away from my current reality. 

We are a couple of decades ahead of those dreamers--in our 40s with five children, in the midst of living many of the things we once merely planned. Ryland & I do intentionally seek out time together as a couple, but increasingly when we manage to squeeze in a date night it feels like we are "on the clock" with a sitter or reactively working through an agenda of "must discuss" items.
  

I love my life as a mother. There are so many deep, rich, stretching, beautiful elements of this crazy ride. But still, I really wanted to pull a chair up next to this cute couple and tell them to savor these days--the ones where you can finish a conversation without interruptions over perceived emergencies like missing shoes, someone hurting feelings with a mere look or batteries that need recharging.  I wanted to tell them to enjoy the lingering and the ability to actually look at each other's faces when you speak. We are so often in divide and conquer mode that I forget to simply make eye contact with the man who holds my heart. 

Last Saturday while our oldest four were away at church camp, dear friends hosted our five year old for the night. Ryland & I had exactly 24 hours together at home with no children. We made grand plans to travel to Nashville for an exciting event with one of my favorite authors, but scrapped it so we could just hit pause, stay home and reconnect. We realized we had never spent a night home without our children--we always leave them here and go (run!) away to reconnect.

During our staycation, we ate grown up food, tackled overdue projects, thoroughly cleaned my suburban and most importantly, finished every conversation we started. At one point as we stood among the gravel of our half completed driveway (not exactly the epicenter of romance) and were able to actually talk through the details of the project as opposed to being in constant reactive mode, Ryland released a deep, fulfilled sigh and said "This was exactly what I needed...to just get you back."

Ironically, the 24 hours at home together breathed more life back into our marriage than the anniversary week in St. Barth's we enjoyed in January. It sounds so provincial but it is true. I am a travel lover, but in this season what we needed most was a pause, to reorient ourselves here in our real life. In the end I realized this is a blessing, because while beaches are beautiful, a fancy escape isn't necessary to find each other. It just takes a few less kids and a bit more eye contact to reclaim romance and connection right here where we live.

I read an article recently that encouraged studying our mates and familiarizing ourselves with what they need. I was convicted. What if we spent as much time identifying and attempting to meet the needs of our spouses as we do those of our offspring? For the last twelve years I have made myself an expert on my children. I could tell you with great clarity what they need to thrive. But that is not always the case with my mate--especially in this season of life, full of stressors, busy-ness and distraction.

Summer is full of kids coming and going. (We just dropped two of our big kids at camp today.) Here's to making the most of the times in between-- to linger a little longer with the ones we love, to make eye contact, maybe even to dream...

Old Dogs and Brave Love

In the first year of our marriage, Ryland & I lived in a little apartment in Virginia. We knew we were only there for a year of training, so our time was spent dreaming and planning our future. Purchasing a home with a yard and getting a dog were top priorities.

We obsessed over the adoption of our chocolate lab, Haley, as eager new parents. When she arrived 8 weeks after we settled into our home, we received her with great joy. As our first 'baby,' we doted on her to no end. It makes me giggle to think of the videos we made and photos we took of her antics.

Within six weeks of receiving her into our family, we discovered I was pregnant. Contemplating all the ways life was about to change for us, my ever-practical, realist husband observed, "The average lab lives 12 years, that means our kids will be around 11 when she dies. It's going to absolutely break their hearts."

At the time I had 1,000 other fears and concerns about having triplets, many of which seemed more pressing. In the years since, as I have watched the pure, unadulterated love between our family and this dog I have heard Ryland's words echo in my heart. "When she dies, it is absolutely going to break their hearts."

The words poke at the temptation in all parents to protect our children from hurtful things. (And, honestly, my own heart as I spend the most time with her each day.) But what if inevitably painful things are also gifts in the meantime?

As Haley ages, her personality becomes even sweeter and more endearing. We understand each other in the rhythm of daily life. She's an ever faithful friend--Sorry to see you go and delighted to see you return.

Her face is a distinguished grey. Her kind deep brown eyes are beginning to cloud. Her run is a bit more of a bounce. But her wagging tail and happy grunts show that there is still a great deal of spirit in those bones!

Although she is healthy and happy now, at 11 1/2 years old she is not going to be around more than a couple additional years. Our whole family knows were are on the backstretch of life with her. I am mindful every time one of my people pauses to rub her or we sit and talk adoringly about what a good dog she is we are deepening our bond with her.

Our love for her is bittersweet. We know we aren't promised forever with her, but we continue to love her more every day right here in the present. Despite the loss and heartbreak her passing will certainly bring to us eventually, we are grateful for the gift of her now. The knowledge that the future is ticking has actually made us love her more rather than less.

Inevitable heartbreak: This is the risk of love, of friendship , of investment in anything in this temporal world. It is all passing.

It would be absurd to try to stop my family's bonding with Haley in order to protect their hearts from her future loss. I suppose we could have re-homed her years ago when the reality of our potential heartbreak was first contemplated---but, oh, what we would have missed. We are all richer for the love of this dog.

When I spend time with her lately, the reminder seems to seep into so many other facets of my life.

This is a scary world, fraught with pitfalls and obstacles--arrows that take aim at our hearts. It can be tempting to try and isolate ourselves from loss, hurt, difficulty, risk...but attempts to do so are in vain. Efforts to keep the pain out, keep deep love at bay too.

This is real life, not a fairy tale. Hearts can't be locked away in impenetrable towers. Hurt, loss, disappointment are an unavoidable part of the deal...but so is love, laughter, compassion, warm memories and countless other positive emotions when we open ourselves up to give and receive. I think it is a worthy trade that teaches us much about life, not just dogs.

Let us love courageously.

An Arbitrary Recap of Pieces of May

Life in a family accelerates to warp speed in the month of May. As a result, all kinds of things happened that never rose to the level of having their own blog post. Since this is my children's only semblance of a scrapbook, please pardon me while I recap a few things:

1. My R, who is showing a lot of interest in music these days, performed in a cello concert earlier this month without removing his camo sunglasses. We were indoors in a gorgeous chapel. He was out of my reach and never chose to make eye contact...so I watched in wonder. Strong willed little future rock star?

2. My K is showing interest (and talent) in photography. She borrowed my camera for a bit recently and returned with several cool shots--including this one of our sweet Haley dog.

She's so comfortable in front of the camera, it is interesting to watch her transition to behind it. :-)

3. P is blossoming into a much more confident (and active) fella--and it is fun to watch. His introversion and sedentary nature is still dominant--it is the way he's wired. But I am happy to see him showing more interest in being outdoors some as well.

Dropping him off at sleepaway camp for NINE DAYS was a source of anxious anticipation for me for months but he truly seemed to show signs of readiness right before my very eyes in the 7-10 days before he left. There is SO much to be said for leaving room for our children to rise to the occasion. 

It was a true answer to prayer for this Mama (and his Daddy too.)

4.  These two really are pea and carrots. So sweet!

I can't help but think they will marry people with personalities that mirror each other. Only time will tell. 

5. Having 20 boys over for a Nerf birthday party in our backyard was epic...but at 5'2" I had ZERO control or voice. Many of these 9-10 year old boys are my height already--and they definitely are louder! Daddy took over leading the games and it was a testosterone fest to be long remembered!

6. Our 'girl party,' a photo scavenger hunt downtown, was also an active, memorable hit.

 The greatest souvenir for us, were some hilarious pictures of K's friends being their silly, sweet selves. 

7. iphones don't fare well in washing machines..especially when they go through the spin cycle.

And there you have it, a totally random wrap up of loose ends--a pretty accurate depiction of my Summer brain!

Puppy Talk

I promise it won't become all puppy all the time around here, but the first 24 hours deserve some documentation.

There's been a good deal of cleaning up Sugar's 'output' as we have started housebreaking/crate training. Between church and lunch today we stopped by the house to give her a potty break. We were too late. The mental image of my husband in a suit on his hands and knees in the driveway scrubbing the kennel while I tried to keep little poopy paws from jumping all over my church clothes...all to the delighted squeals of the children....well, that one will be with me for a while.

Because I can never resist a metaphor, it was a memorable little snapshot of the sin condition. We loved and cared for our little furball even though she was covered in smelly, foul mess. My husband--the physician, the deacon, in a nice suit--lowered himself to clean up a mess he didn't make. She was cleaned up and restored because of our love--and because of our knowledge that she wasn't intentionally making our lives a mess. She is just a puppy. It is her nature. That's what they do. She needs maturity, consistent teaching/modeling, patience and love. Sounds a lot like parenting...and the way God deals with His children too.

Sugar is good-natured and fairly low key for a lab. So far, while curious, the cats nor Haley seem very concerned about her arrival. I even caught her curled up next to Haley, both napping peacefully, late this afternoon.

Predictably, she has serenaded us nightly with a bit of crying from the kennel because she misses her 'pack.' Last night it led to K standing by my bedside at 4am asking me to please make the puppy be quiet. If only it were that easy. I have realized that I am old and tired. Potty trips in the chilly dead of night aren't my favorite.

I am loving how interested in taking care of her all three of my people have been--without any cajoling. I sometimes lament what our trio has missed by not ever getting to have a younger sibling in the home to care for. Having this new 'baby' has offered somewhat of a picture of those lessons. I love to sit one room away and listen to their giggles and the way they baby talk her.

And much like star-struck new parents, it has been hysterical to watch the kiddos think everything she does make her the smartest puppy in the world. Case in point, any time Sugar sits (not on command, mind you, just because she's tired) P & R go ballistic. "Mom, she is SO smart! She already has this whole sitting thing figured out!"

A few of my other favorite quotes so far:
"Mom, Sugar is rapidly licking me in the eyeball & I like it." -R
"I like how her tummy is like a warm chocolate chip cookie." -R
"Man, having a puppy is a lot of work!" -K
"I like each pet in our family for different reasons. Sugar's reason is just because she is little and cute." -K
"Mom & Dad, promise you will wake me up in the middle of the night to take her out? I really, really want to." -P
"This has been the best week ever. She's my favorite yellow lab in the world. I am so happy Sugar is in our family." -P

Like most things in 'real life' this endeavor is not clean or easy, but it is definitely sweet.

We Got Our Girl

My children lobbied hard for us to give our 9 year old lab, Haley, a puppy friend for her birthday in August...because, you know, what every good ole 'only dog' lab wants is a youngster to rock the boat. :-)

We met Sugar back in September and have been waiting for eight weeks to bring her home. So far I'd say she's a hit!

She is also a terrific distraction from the heartbreaker of a game my team lost today!

 

I have now blown my 1:1 pet/kid ratio completely out of the water...2 dogs, 2 cats (& a couple of feral kitties we are feeding.)

My house is officially a zoo, but there is nothing quite like the loving chaos of family life...and 8 year olds with a puppy.
Life is good.

Rest

I haven't been writing much lately because I am all over the place...mentally and physically. In addition to our busy weekend, my husband flew to Chicago for a conference Sunday and I traveled to join him for a brief getaway yesterday. This quick escape is wonderfully timed. Life for me right now is FULL--full of duties, worries, decisions and circumstances beyond my control. And as I search for how I am to respond to it all, I keep being reminded of my nine year old chocolate lab, Haley.

Haley spent the first seven years of her life as an 'outside dog.' We live on a large lot with an invisible fence, so she was able to run and play or nap in the sun daily, then retire to her kennel in the garage at night. When my trio started eating from high chairs, Haley was also granted admission to the kitchen after meals. She was far more efficient as the clean up crew than this weary Mama. It was an enviable 'dog's life.'

A year and half ago, while playing fetch, Haley blew out her knee. The injury left her lame and after a trial of six weeks of indoor rest she had surgery. Her post-operative instructions called for four more months of indoor rest. Her knee is now completely healed. Her physical health has been restored. Yet, the combined six months of indoor life changed Haley.

She is now an inside dog that sometimes (reluctantly) goes out. Our family has bonded with her on a level much deeper than the more recreational enjoyment we experienced before.  When we are outside she wants to be there. She still loves to run, play, fetch and swim, but when we go back inside she insists on accompanying us.


I thought at first it was because of the weather, but it has become clear it is about our presence. She has traded 'freedom' for relationship. She simply wants to be where we are. She waits anxiously for us to come home. She tries to get in my car when I am taking the children to school. Home for Haley is wherever we are.

Earlier this week as I sat down to work on my laptop Haley came and collapsed at my feet. As she laid her head on her paws she let out a sigh that I envied. It was a clear indication that she was relieved and completely at peace. Then, she took a nap.

God used that moment to speak to me. THIS is what I mean by abiding, Jen. THIS is the type of peace and rest I want your soul to find in my presence. THIS is why I wanted Mary at my feet, not in the kitchen scurrying. Slow down. Stop fussing and fretting. REST in me. Not because you know how it will all turn out, but because I AM ENOUGH.

It's humbling when God has to use your old dog to teach you a lesson...but He did.

I am often far more of a yappy dog in my relationship with Him. Jumping up and down, barking, whining, begging for what I want from my Master. He doesn't reject me for that or put me out, but the most intimate moments are those when I collapse at His feet with a sigh and find comfort and rest. Today I am challenged to be more like Haley.

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. Matthew 11:28-29

Puppy Love

Our sweet lab, Haley, has been an amazing dog for our family. We got her one month before we conceived K, P, & R. Her puppy years were sort of a fog between the shock of triplet pregnancy, months of bedrest and three newborns. She spent her fair share of time on a nearby farm getting more gun dog training than she will ever need while we got a handle on parenting human babies.

Despite our dicey start Haley has mellowed into a terrific companion and playmate. K & P are especially attached to her these days. In the early Summer K entered her in a Pet Trick competition. Last month P was convinced he had taught her to read.

Haley's always good for cuddling, fetch and assorted other activities-- even occasionally serving as an audience for magic tricks.

In celebration of her birthday last month, the kids decided what our old girl would really like is a puppy--"to play with while they are at school." My husband & I had been pondering it for a while, so their suggestion was the final push for our decision.

So, despite my claim that we would never have more pets than children, the count is about to be at 4:3 (2 cats, 2 dogs, 3 kids). This morning we met the newest member of our family, Sugar.

 She is sweet as her name would indicate.

 The children giggled

 and grinned nonstop in her presence. (I wish there were a soundtrack to accompany these shots.)

This guy is quite fond of her too.

 

And although I have felt genuinely excited about adopting her, when I downloaded this picture I realized it might have snapped a small glimpse of my subconscious!

I have never had much of a poker face. :-)

Luckily, Sugar has a few weeks of training to go before we bring her home. This should give my head, heart, attitude and facial expressions a chance to get in sync!

Earning the Right

From the tadpole currently growing in a tank on our kitchen counter to every other type of creature God made, my girl is an animal lover. She absolutely delights in our pets and their antics. Recently, she has formed a particularly tight bond with our 8 1/2 year old lab, Haley.

(This picture is a couple of months old, but it illustrates their friendship.)

Haley sleeps in our kitchen, so each morning when we come downstairs for breakfast her full bladder and empty stomach make her very excited to see us. She dances around the room with great gusto. Because of her size, it can be intimidating for my children.

R is a little moody in the morning, so he avoids being the first into the kitchen. He just doesn't want to deal with all the action when he is still waking up. P, on the other hand, is always famished after a good night's sleep, so he ventures into the kitchen despite the hyper dog. I immediately hear something to the effect of "Ha-aa-ley! Down, stop, quit, sit, Mo-oo-om!"

K, however, simply giggles and says confidently, "Ha-ley, sit!" And the dog obeys.

It drives my boys crazy. P tries every voice he can muster--changing his inflection, deepening his tone--but his command to sit is seldom (if ever) obeyed.

This morning, as I watched the scenario unfold yet again, a teachable moment presented itself. When P exclaimed his frustration that Haley only listens to K, I asked him if he had any idea why. I explained that I think it is because K has invested in Haley. She feeds her, pets her, talks to her and rubs her. Haley sees evidence that K cares for her. K isn't always telling Haley what to do. Most of the time she is just loving her--and as a result Haley respects and listens to K.

Hmmmm. As the words came out of my mouth, it was a lesson to my heart.

In Young Life circles it is referred to as "earning the right to be heard." It is similar to the old adage that a person doesn't care what you know until they know that you care.

Truth be told, it is relatively easy to stand on the sidelines and shout out directions to people. It is another thing entirely to enter into their world and earn their trust and respect.There is a lot of application to my daily life and interactions with people.

Who knew that a little girl and her old dog could wind up teaching me such a challenging lesson this morning?

Sporty

One of the things I love most about K is that even though she and I are the only two females in this house, God has wired us so very differently. I marvel at how 'fearfully and wonderfully made' she is because although we share similarities in appearance and spunk, many of the defining aspects of our personality are quite different.

For example, I am a purger and she saves everything. While I have few possessions which hold sentimental value, she has many. There are a couple of different places around the house where she stashes 'special things.' It took me a while to figure out that to her, they are NOT junk--some of the most random things (restaurant receipts, 3 year old Valentine cards and tattered crafts from preschool) really mean something to her. This is not a learned behavior. She is just wired that way. God has had to do some work on me to help me see that my way isn't necessarily better or worse than hers...just different.

Another difference is that while I have great appreciation for artistic talent, she actually possesses it. K simply loves to create things.

A commonality we share is that neither of us are prissy. We both enjoy painted nails and jewelry. We don't mind dressing up one bit...but dirt, bugs and the outdoors are not something we shy away from either. K takes this a step farther than I did at her age, however. She is really quite athletic. I didn't venture into sports until junior high cheerleading. K seeks it out. She always wants me to teach her exercises I learn at the gym. Last Thursday K came home from school and shed her uniform in favor of running-type shorts, tennis shoes and a tank top. She went into the garage and returned with a leash.
"Mom, can I take the dog for a run? I need some afternoon exercise."

Neither her Daddy nor I are runners. Where did she get this? It is simply how she was made. For those that say it come from having brothers, let me show you what 'the brothers' did while I chaperoned K's jog with Haley dog...

I pulled them in a wagon while they snacked on Pringles and Powerade.

K even asked to quit taking dance this year because it wasn't physical enough at this age.
"We just do the same thing every week, Mama," she lamented.
She has chosen, instead, to continue with gymnastics and is now joining a soccer team.

Today we went to buy her first pair of cleats. When we got home, she rushed to exchange her sandals for socks and cleats. When she came outside and I saw this I grinned widely. Frilly socks + cleats...

This really sums up my girl!

Mudslinging

I haven't spoken much more about the muddy fiasco in my yard lately. Primarily because there is not much to say. The bottom line is that there is a lot of mud. What was once green and lush is now sticky gooey and brown. It is a mess.

The drilling was completed yesterday, so we are closer to beginning the restoration...but it is still a time consuming and expensive process that in the short term is out of our control. Best case scenario, it will be mid August before we can sod.

This morning, at the urging of a few smart folks, we decided to make the most of it. When life hands you mud, sometimes you just have to make like a pig and wallow in it. (I am pretty sure this is not scriptural. :-)

P had to be convinced, but once in enjoyed himself immensely.

K was gung ho from beginning to end.

R was completely uninterested. The look of disdain on R's face was hysterical. His face stayed crinkled up the entire time we were muddy. He just didn't get what could possibly be fun about a mud pit. The upside was that he was able to use his clean hands to snap a few photos of the 'Mud Monsters.'

Even our sweet, old Haley dog joined in!

And, Daddy? Well, he seemed to have had the most fun of all!