Half Baked Turkeys // A Middle School Mom Manifesto

Several years ago we were facing a big decision regarding schools. Our three children were at a wonderful Montessori school, but one of them was in great need of more structure. Because I didn't want to be on two separate calendars with three same-aged children, we decided to enroll the entire trio in a new school for Kindergarten.

A beloved, talented (sometimes serious and stern) teacher called me in to discuss our decision. She implored me to consider leaving them at the school for one more year, as Montessori follows a three year cycle and our children were only finishing primary year two. I explained my reasoning to her in great detail. She shook her head disapprovingly and lobbed a metaphor at me that keeps reappearing in my parenting journey.

"Imagine you invited me over for Thanksgiving lunch, but I arrived an hour early and demanded to eat the turkey right then. How would you feel? You would insist it wasn't ready yet. A half-baked turkey isn't ready to be served and is not a fair indicator of the final product had the recipe been followed."

The metaphor was powerful, but almost a decade later I giggle at her insinuation that a 5 year old would be remotely close to "finished."

My heart is currently in a trying season with three middle school students. As their 14th birthday approaches, I hear the clock ticking toward the time when we will launch them into the world. I am tempted to panic at how some current weaknesses might play out in adulthood. I honestly have never sought to produce perfect children, but I can fall into a worry cycle about temptations and challenges that may lead to particularly painful consequences later in life.

There is real tension between how often/to what severity I allow them to fail and how frequently/to what degree I intervene with corrective coaching and protectiveness. It is further complicated by the fact that each child, while the same age, is so different. There is no blanket answer.

And, oh the temptation to look around at other parents' turkeys-in-progress and compare!

I read a great post earlier this week that reminded me our children are MEANT to be unfinished--it is the very nature of childhood. Furthermore, as a Christian, I am reminded through my own daily journey that I am still quite unfinished at 43. This life is a refining process.

So, parents, how shall we cope as we mind the kitchens where all these young turkeys are roasting?

1. Pray.  Pray that fear will not be your motivator.  Ask God to give you peace, clarity, and wisdom to sift through the small stuff and focus on their hearts. I am really enjoying this resource from Jodi Berndt, chock full of Bible verses written as fill-in-the-blank prayers for specific issues my kids are facing. By seeking to look at all through the lens of Scripture, my heart is being refocused on what surface issues to let go.

2. Seek wisdom. In this information age, there is an abundance of excellent child and adolescent development information in the form of podcasts and books. I am particularly fond of these two recent reads: Are My Kids on Track?  and Untangled. Both offer needed and informed perspective on the growth going on in our kids and why each phase is necessary. Next on my list: Boys Adrift and Like Dew Your Youth.

In addition to the topical resources, it is important to stay rooted in the Word. God's promises are timeless, full of hope and also serve as reminders that imperfect, half-baked people have always been used by the Lord to accomplish His Will.

3. Encourage. Being a Mom of adolescents can be so lonely. Our image-conscious society makes it difficult (and often inappropriate) to broadcast the challenges our growing children are really facing. Growing up is messy. No one's kids are as perfect as they may appear. Everyone is fighting some sort of battle. The least we can do as parents is treat each other with kindness. Look for opportunities to chat with other parents--let down your guard a little. Offer encouragement. Let's stop judging each other's kitchen while meal prep is still in progress and definitely stop comparing each other's half-baked turkeys.

4. Breathe.  This is a journey. Take a long view and pace yourself. Riding the waves of every high and low is exhausting and non-productive. You aren't perfect and your kids won't be either--but there is a purpose in their lives and yours...not just 'one day' but NOW. Cling to faith and trust God to guide you and your children.

Don't get so 'project focused' you lose personhood--theirs or yours.

And, importantly, don't forget to laugh and enjoy this crazy ride. (Oh, the stories I will one day be able to tell...)

PS. I wrote this as not as one who claims to have it all figured out, but rather as a mini-sermon to myself because I have to refocus constantly!