The very same little boy who has been trying my patience so much recently, completely stole my heart at nap time today. As I was getting him settled in, he looked up at me with his big brown eyes and said, "Come 'mere and let me love you, Mommy. Don't love me. Just let me love you."
Then he draped his arms around my neck and squeezed. He wasn't acting silly or goofy. He just loved on me. I stayed there for several seconds, then started to pull away.
I looked in his little face and said, "I love you, buddy."
He replied, "Don't talk. Just stay here and let me love you some more, Mommy."
The pure sweetness was almost more than my heart could bear.
At lunch today I was discussing my school choice situation with a close friend. As I was detailing what I was leaning towards I started to cry (the ugly cry, no less). In a flash I was thinking about my children potentially being in a 5 day program, in separate classes...truly building little lives that I become less central to. I know this is the ultimate goal: to raise them up and let them fly. Truthfully, there are countless afternoons where I feel like I am shaking little people off my legs, yet I am beginning to fear I'll be the one clinging to their legs soon....begging them not to grow up and leave me.
I want them to be independent, confident, capable people. I don't want them to be needy, but I want them to need me (just a little). I cringed as I typed that. I almost went back and deleted it, but it is true. I am not proud of that. I am just confessing it.
This push-pull of growing up is going to wreak havoc on my heart! Who am I kidding? It already is!
15 comments:
I am getting ready for my only child to go away to college and I find myself becoming very clingy to him as I do not want this time to end. It has been my greatest joy to be his mother and I know that I've raised him to be an independent, confident, capable person. But all that does not make my heart hurt any less. I feel your pain.
J - they will always NEED you - it just changes as they do.
You have laid the foundation to wonderful relationships as they grow older.
How sweet to just be loved on.
One can only imagine what Mary felt as she saw her firstborn on that cross.
Yes, the pull of the heart is stronger than the gravitational pull of the earth, I'm convinced. Some mothers keep their children "children" all their lives to the detriment of themselves and the next generation while others throw them away though neglect, apathy and annoyance. But thank God for the ones who realize God's plan, his pattern for living, and not only teach it to their children but LIVE it as the ultimate lesson.
It's hard to let go - but no one's saying you have to do it all at once. It's time for baby steps for mama too. It's okay to be emotional. It's not okay to let emotions rule. And having read a lot of what you feel, I am fairly confident you fall into the category of "Rule with the head, love with the heart" group.
And believe me, when they are grown and you've "taught them how to fly", they DO fly back to you! I know - mine are all married, all have children, and I (we) have the sweetest communion with them and the new son/daughters those unions have provided us - not to mention the precious grandbabies that have been arriving these past 3 years!
Sounds like you are leaning towards Montessori, perhaps. I just signed our trio up for school in the fall - five days a week - three separate classes. It's only part time, 3 hours a day, but the angst of whether or not I'm doing the right thing is haunting.
The more I read about the benefits of school, the more I am convinced that they need it. Although, I'm not entirely convinced that they need it more than they need to be home with me at (almost) 4 yo.
My children will always need me. Yours will always need you. But growing up sure is hard to do, for everyone, at every stage of life.
I am feeling the same way. My kids are teenagers and I am struggling letting them have the appropraite amount of freedom. They both are so good, but I worry. And I just want to put a leash on and follow them around. But I can't so....I pray and have faith.
Lauren
Just wanted to let you know that I am right there with you! They are growing up so fast. Just last night KJ asked us out of the blue "are we gonna die"! Such big topics for such little ones. I asked him who had told him that and he told me the neighbor girl. I was stunned that we already have that outside influence that I have no control over.
Thanks for your honesty. I appreciate it and it helps me to feel more normal to know that someone else is going through the same things.
God Bless!
Nicole
Still there with you as I watch mine go off to school each day and feel a lump in my throat and a twinge in my heart.
Jesus holds all your tears, dear JMom. He knows your heart, and it is not one bit wrong to admit you still want to be needed.
They are turning four soon, not 44, though from what I understand from my MIL -- you still want to be needed even then. : )
Praying for you this morning, friend.
I love it when my older son loves on me. I am sorry you ugly cried in public. That is tough. I hope that God lets your heart feel peace during your decision making process.
Yes, it tears at my heart to think about how they are growing everyday and, like you said, how less central to their lives I become with each new development. I want them to grow to be strong and all that jazz, but I need to be needed. I console myself with how I still call my mom almost daily. Because I need her. =)
Just as Aubrey stated. she still needs her mom and calls her almost daily. They will always need you in some fashion. Think on your relationship with your parents and I'm betting it's close and a friendship. From the way you have started with yours...I believe you will be able to let them go and be people and they will return to you and be your friends when they are adults. What a sweet heart they all have and the fact that he wanted to love on you and didn't ask or expect anything in return is a wonderful blessing. Enjoy each stage of growth and revel in them being separate people from you and from each other. Give them thier wings, teach them well and you will be rewarded when they fly on their own and stand on their own two feet. As mothers, we start working ourselves out of our "job" from the moment they are born. Blessings on your week...
My "baby" is 12 and looks more and more grown up everyday. Sometimes I will catch a glimpse of him and I have to choke back the tears when I realize that he's not a baby anymore.
"Truthfully, there are countless afternoons where I feel like I am shaking little people off my legs, yet I am beginning to fear I'll be the one clinging to their legs soon....begging them not to grow up and leave me."
JMom-You made me laugh out loud and then nearly cry all with the same sentence!
I know you will make the right decision. And plus, if you are like me, you'll have a full 3 months this summer with no MDO/school...by then you might be a little more ready to loosen those apron strings.
I hear ya! But the way I see it is no one says you have to "let them go" at five :-) I plan to hang on to mine during the formative years and let them "go" when they have a firm foundation with which to survive the crazy world.
Idealistic? probably.
but that's my plan none-the-less (If all the blogging doesn't get in the way, of course)
Amen! I almost bought a book yesterday called "Preparing To Let Them Leave." My oldest is only 11 and still says "I love you" in public, but I am beginning to see those subtle changes and it's killing me. It may sound silly, but I wanted to pray before I decide to buy the book yet.
Oh what a sweet story. It makes me ever more excited for when they (mine) fully are communicating. So sweet and tender! A mama's heart always melts like that!
I totally can relate to your second part of the post about letting go and about a small part of me hoping to hold onto them needing me...I like to be "needed" by them...I know I will have to relinquish that to the Lord very soon.
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