Friday, May 25, 2012


It doesn't make much sense, even to me, so I won't even attempt to explain it...but tonight I cried an ugly cry. For the first time that I can recall, I wept for what I might have missed if God had chosen to take me home 8 years ago tomorrow. Near death experiences are an interesting phenomena, in that,  I don't know that you ever really 'get over it.' I think I am strangely thankful for that.

As I wiped away my tears I said to my husband, "You know, 5-26-04 was the best day and the worst day all in one?" He hugged me tight because he understood.

It started with my long distance phone call urging him to hand off his patients as quickly as he could and get to Atlanta because, "it was baby day!" It ended with my strong, confident husband huddled alone in the hall outside my hospital room as strangers ran a 'code' on me in their (praise God) successful attempt to save my life.

I don't know why this year is more emotional than years past...except to say that with age and maturity has come a keen perspective on life, love and the fragile nature of it all.  I am sure it has a bit to do with watching a friend pass away recently--another Mom--leaving behind a 7 & 5 year old. I just feel so tender about the fact that this story could have ended VERY differently. I completely believe God would have taken care of my husband and these children. He would have redeemed their story for His Glory, but I am SO glad He chose to let me stick around and see this unfold.

I believe Heaven will be amazing. I am sure there is nothing imaginable that can compare to standing in the presence of my Lord, but I am incredibly grateful for the opportunity I was given to stay here and mother these sweet children and love my husband. Even on the stinkiest, worst day--I am keenly aware that I am still here because He chose it.

I am exceedingly grateful!


Liz said...

I don't comment on every post of yours, but I read them all & I just had to comment on this one.

I am grateful that God spared you that day, as well. I love watching your life through not only your eyes, but through your kids'. I am thankful that you share your life's journey with all of glad you are here to do it!

Pipsylou said...

Your story is mine. An anonymous commenter directed me here. I am having trouble moving on from near death 10 months ago and feel like I should just be "over it".

k and c's mom said...

I think that sometimes God ministers to us from the "safe place". Recently, three years after the death of my husband, I was able to mourn the last seven years of his life which were a constant battle against an invasive cancer that cost him many parts of his body. During the battle, it was "heads down and fight". Now that it is over, I am overwhelmed occasionally by the grace that God had over me/us during that time.

Peter and Nancy said...

This life is filled with loss, and it can become all the sweeter when we acknowledge loss (or potential loss) and don't try to sweep it under the rug. I am so glad you give yourself permission to cry these years later, and I know you live in a place of gratitude because of it.

Audrey Lucille (-ALS) said...

I found you from Pipsylou's blog. I also went through a near death experience after birth. It is comforting to know that the feelings I have and the difficulty with letting go is normal. I also am blessed by the fact that so many I "meet" who have had an experience like this are so close to God. It is good to know we are not alone and that God is such a close companion to us.