It doesn't make much sense, even to me, so I won't even attempt to explain it...but tonight I cried an ugly cry. For the first time that I can recall, I wept for what I might have missed if God had chosen to take me home 8 years ago tomorrow. Near death experiences are an interesting phenomena, in that, I don't know that you ever really 'get over it.' I think I am strangely thankful for that.
As I wiped away my tears I said to my husband, "You know, 5-26-04 was the best day and the worst day all in one?" He hugged me tight because he understood.
It started with my long distance phone call urging him to hand off his patients as quickly as he could and get to Atlanta because, "it was baby day!" It ended with my strong, confident husband huddled alone in the hall outside my hospital room as strangers ran a 'code' on me in their (praise God) successful attempt to save my life.
I don't know why this year is more emotional than years past...except to say that with age and maturity has come a keen perspective on life, love and the fragile nature of it all. I am sure it has a bit to do with watching a friend pass away recently--another Mom--leaving behind a 7 & 5 year old. I just feel so tender about the fact that this story could have ended VERY differently. I completely believe God would have taken care of my husband and these children. He would have redeemed their story for His Glory, but I am SO glad He chose to let me stick around and see this unfold.
I believe Heaven will be amazing. I am sure there is nothing imaginable that can compare to standing in the presence of my Lord, but I am incredibly grateful for the opportunity I was given to stay here and mother these sweet children and love my husband. Even on the stinkiest, worst day--I am keenly aware that I am still here because He chose it.
I am exceedingly grateful!