Deciding

Among my trio is a child with a particularly strong will. In the last few months we have been dealing with how to address this strong will with love, grace and the type of parental guidance that will teach him to harness and channel his strength and passion as he grows.

He is a good kid--and there are frequent glimpses that encourage us somewhere in that sweet head and mighty heart truth is taking hold and lessons are being filed away. I am reminded constantly that we are given children in our homes for a whole 18-19 years because it takes at least that long to build a strong foundation. I have job security!

My strong willed one is verbal, confident and very honest. This combination makes some of the traditional parenting advice for this personality type tricky. For example, when it is clear he is preparing to dig his heels in over something I will offer him two choices. The textbooks tell you that allows them to still feel some measure of control. My guy has been known to simply sit obstinately and delay choosing either. "I jus' can't decide yet. I need a little longer." He has even been willing to sit and ponder for two hours. That is a STRONG will...

He is generally a well behaved child, but when this tough aspect of his personality presents itself it is in the form of a bad attitude and overly testosterone-y actions. This weekend there was a situation between him and two older boys on a playground. Apparently he started it--it took a couple of hours for the whole story to come out--and honestly, I was very disappointed in some choices he made in the way he treated the other boys. When confronted, he admitted that he had been the troublemaker and offered no particular reason why.

I recalled one of the first verses my children ever learned: "Even a child is known by his actions, whether his conduct is pure and right." I bent down in his little face.
(Here is the part where I cringe at the fact that some readers may disagree with what I said, but here it goes anyway. I never, ever have claimed to be perfect.)

"You are going to have to decide what type of guy you want to be and make choices accordingly. This type of behavior is going to lead people to believe you are a punk. Is that what you want? Do you want to be seen as a punk or a gentleman?"

He looked at me clearly, unashamedly and honestly before saying, "I haven't decided yet."

And this sums up my guy at 7 1/2. He is still deciding--wrestling with little boy identity (to the extent a 7 year old can be that self aware). I wasn't sure whether to laugh or cry.

The truth is, I have to make this decision several times a day. Am I going to live, speak, think, act as a Godly woman or am I going to let my emotions rule my behavior and let the ugly that can linger beneath my surface rear its head. Some days I have a hard time deciding too.

In his case, we decided to have him come home and write a few verses that might put some truth in his heart and make a better choice next time. After he wrote one particular passage I hung it on our refrigerator. We all could use the reminder: "Be agreeable. Be loving. Be humble. No exceptions. Your job is to bless. Say nothing evil or hurtful. Turn away from evil and do good." (excerpts from 1 Peter 3 in The Message)