My children are in a MAJOR score keeping age. Thankfully, they are not using the phrase abhorred by mothers everywhere "That's NOT fair!" but they are communicating their frustration with perceived inequities nonetheless. She got more...He got something I didn't...He went first last time... From play date invitations to bubble gum, I am exhausted by their eagle eyes and constant tabulation of who's 'winning.'
As I was giving one of my offspring a lecture this morning about how score keeping was robbing his joy (and mine) I felt as if God was tapping on my shoulder...You would do well to listen your own words, Jen.
I have written before about my propensity for being the Prodigal's older brother. I do not believe for a second that my works have saved me...I really do know better than that. It is not the saving...it is my 'goodness' since then. (It is making me uncomfortable to confess this.) It is not a constant state of mind, but I am beginning to realize that I am at my worst (the most unloving and the most frustrated) when I allow myself to start score keeping.
Want a peek into the ugly dialogue of my heart during those times?
It's not pretty.
I saved myself for marriage, yet struggled with infertility while others conceive babies they do not want.
My husband & I have disciplined ourselves to drive old cars and avoid debt while others are having a blast on credit.
I am authentic about my struggles and imperfections--striving to be real and not get caught up in image--while so many outwardly 'beautiful people' are admired as having it all together while their private lives in shambles.
Why do they get to ... while I am here being so responsible?? Where is MY reward?
You want to know what the problem with all this is? My focus is on the wrong thing! First of all, it indicates that my heart is believing the lie that my goodness comes from me. My heart is yucky and frequently self absorbed. Self control or obedience that is mustered is all too often fleeting. When I am 'good' it is a result of surrender to God's will in my heart.
And you know what the reward for all that is? It is not a momentary party...it is long-lasting peace and joy that settles deep in your bones. The reward is being spared all of the consequences of the ungodly choices. It is the presence of God in my life.
It is not carrying the emotional scars of sexual immorality. It is having a marriage where we can talk about other things than money and debt. It is knowing that people are friends with me because of what is inside...not my outer package. It is the recognition of and the appreciation for the very grace I resent others receiving so freely that I desperately need for my prideful, competitive, critical spirit.
This has been the Summer of Grace for me. I am not even close to 'getting it' yet, but God is teaching me A LOT about the beauty of grace, my lack of it and my desperate need for it. I have been asking Him to soften me and give me more of a heart like His. I want to see people's addictions, bad decisions and enslavements for the afflictions that they are...sin! I have the same affliction, my symptoms just look different. I want to have the same empathy, compassion and desire to love on and serve people in these positions as I would if it were cancer. Only their cure is not chemo, it is Christ.
Frankly, my personal struggle is with the ones who won't acknowledge their illness and who are too prideful (or fearful) to seek healing that they need. I am praying for an EXTRA dose of patience, tenderness and compassion for those folks. They are blind, ashamed and/or afraid.
This world is not our home. We are messed up people in a broken world. We have flashes of incredible beauty, love, laughter and light--little glimpses of heaven. May we all remember that they are to remind us of our destination. This is not it. Lord, grant us mercy for our fellow travelers along the road.
9 comments:
Love this post - I too have a problem with the internal dialogue that is so ugly in God's sight. I need to have more compassion and a greater recognition of my own sin of pride and self love. Thanks for sharing this.
Thank you for this.
Love this post. The scripture my children could quote(from hearing it often) ...."when they measure themselves with themselves and compare themselves with one another, they behave unwisely". (2 Corinthians 10:12 AMP)
Having 3 close in age those comparing opps came often. One of them might get a blessing that the others didn't. We always talked about God was the blesser...and as we rejoice with those who rejoice their turn comes too. It actually gave alot of freedom from comparing the "blessings". I even started buying things that i might see i knew one would like and not bring home something for all three, continually emphasising this principle. It really worked. They grew in greater freedom of comparing.
First time visit to your blog. So strange how God works sometimes. I was just having a conversation with my husband that was so similar to this. I really needed to be reminded not to compare myself to others and that my focus needs to be on Christ and not myself. Thank you! Isn't it awesome that God loves us so much that He would use a blog post to speak to me. Thank you Jesus!
You know where I do this? I compare my childen to others...in my head. For instance, why is it that my sweet nice, respecting kid has more trouble making friends than the kid who isn't as nice to other kids? Or, why does the kid who is naturally a talented athlete who doesn't come to all the practices get more attention from the coaches than my kid who is a slightly above average athlete who works his tail off and doesn't MISS a practice.
This is a difficult scenerio especially with children and I do find myself praying about it regularly...and hoping I set a good example in how to deal with these things.
Once again, you spoke straight to my heart. I read a quote on your blog years ago that I have so often recalled that goes something like this: "Comparison is the thief of joy."
Thanks for sharing your insight and making yourself transparent! You are a blessing!
Oh this one hits home for me, too!
My struggle is with Christians (teens and parents) who look and are praised for being godly, and yet are subtly mean spirited and manipulative.
Working on this very lesson in myself and with my girls. God keeps reminding me to humble myself, and I am trying to obey, knowing the blessing in Him is so much greater than the reward of the flesh. Thanks for sharing this!
thank you.
Loved this! Thank you for sharing! I read your blog daily and love your thoughts on being a Christian mom and wife. As a first time mom of a toddler, I have a lot to learn!
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