I alluded to this in a post last week, but seriously, I need help with how to teach my children to behave in church.
We attend a contemporary service where the children only stay in for the first 20 minutes...but it sure feels like longer than that! I think part of our challenge is that there are three of them and only two of us. While most parents get to acclimate their children to 'big church' one at a time, we have had to take on three at once since they turned 6. (They were able to be in childcare the whole service until they aged out then.)
We have an ADHD diagnosis among us--and another who really has trouble sitting still. (Sidebar: I found the information in this article on the prevalence of these issues in low birth weight preemies very interesting.) I have tried giving them things to draw on, but the dropped crayons, whispering over passing colors, notebooks hitting the floor, noisiness of tearing and turning pages makes it feel like I am only adding to the problem.
At least twice in the past month I have found myself 'confessing' during that point in the service about my focus being more on what the people around me are thinking about my wiggly, wallowy children than on worshiping the God I love.
I look around at other 6 year olds (and younger) and they are behaving much more appropriately than my wiggle worms. I know I need to relax a bit and not be so concerned with other people's opinions...at the same time, I do care if my family is a distraction to their worship.
Letting them read their Bibles works somewhat (for 2/3 anyway), but they end up out of their seats, sitting on the floor or wallowing in our laps. Is that age appropriate and my expectations are just too high?
As I have mentioned, other people (laughingly/sympathetically) comment on watching us struggle through the service...so I know this is not just my imagination.
Help a Mama out here. What tips do you have?
26 comments:
I'm not sure this would be helpful since the drawing and such so far has been a distraction but maybe it will at least spur an idea?
I go to a church plant that meets in a movie theater. During church this is only childcare for children thru age 3 and then you come to the service. After the initial singing and during the greeting time children are welcome to get a "Busy Board" which are kept in baskets. The busy boards are a clip board with a few sheets of solid paper on them and a children's bulletin that contains some games such as maze, puzzle etc. all related to the Bible them. There is also a pencil pouch clipped to the board and inside are drawing utensils and a few pipe cleaners, and occasionally stickers and such.
Maybe even a half sized clip board prepare for your trio will help? You could use a bible verse you've studied during the week and even ask them to practice writing it? If all of them have their own pouch of colors, etc. that could cut down on the talking.
Good luck! Hope this may have helped some.
We have a Charlie Brown striped little book that I bring my daughter (who is about 6 months older than your three.) We have the songs on the screen, so I find that sometimes she copies the words. This week she was writing something else. She has brought a book to read. She has also brought a math worksheet. (I know, I know. When you are a desperate parent . . . ) She stands and pays attention when we sing and prays when we pray, but some of the other stuff (bulletin updates, prayer updates and so forth) we sometimes lose her with.
A spiral bound notebook with a pencil tied to it?
I feel your pain. I'm there some Sundays, wiggling along with you with only one.
Hi! I am a mom of 7 (ages 10 to 6 weeks) and I have had my fair share of loudness with my kids. But it has actually gotten better with the more kids we have! We do not have any twins/triplets but all our kids are about 1 1/2 yrs apart which is pretty close to twins! haaa haaa
We practice at home being quiet during our nightly family prayer time. We have a prayer room that we use and we dim the lights and use candles to let them know praying to God is quiet time, whether at home or at Church. We used to try bringing little food items like cheerios/books/or anything to keep them occupied but we have found over time and lots of kids that the less they have the better and so we just bring along religious "Jesus" books. THat's it. The younger ones (ages 2 and 4 -boys) sit on our laps and baby in my pouch. They sit on our laps while we sit. That's the rule. We also sit in the first 3 pews so that the kids can see and that is very important for them to see and feel a part of it all. Hope this helps out!
God bless you,
Mary
Get small whiteboards and each child a set of three or so colored markers and his/her own eraser- put them in cloth bags (you can get those white mesh dish bags at target)
Takes the rustling paper sound out- everyone has the same colors- then have them draw pictures of what they learned in Sunday School.
The key to our success was only letting them use them on Sunday mornings so they didn't get tired of the activity.
SOrry! That last comment was from me!!!-Mary@Cheerios
Lurker here with some ideas that I have done. I haven't read the other responses yet, so sorry if I repeat some.
I would definitely try practicing at home. That way you can practice shorter intervals first - 5 mins, then 10 mins, up to 20. Or you could break it up into 5 minute sections. Whoever manages to sit still and quietly for the first 5 minutes get an m&m. Then start the time again, and maybe after the next 5 minutes everyone will get an m&m. Or maybe it will take until the end of the 20 mins for them all to get it. If that works, for the first few weeks at church I would bring the m&m's, and then slowly fade them out.
The other thing you could do is bring something special that is only allowed to be used during church. Something like mini magnadoodles, I Spy bags, those reusable sticker scenes where they can take them off and put them back on again, etc. Nothing elaborate. I would arrange your seating so that it is child-parent-child-parent-child (if you don't do that already) and start the rule that they aren't allowed to talk to each other, pass things, show things, etc. until the 20 minutes is over, to avoid having them want to show off what they've drawn/made.
I don't think your expectations are too high. For an hour-long service I can see 6 year olds still wanting some cuddle time on your lap, but for only 20 minutes I think they can learn to stay sitting in their seats.
(I don't know about the ADHD part. I have known some kids with it who couldn't sit for 20 minutes straight if their life depended on it, unless they had a weighted blanket or something on their lap.)
For students I've had with attention issues or ADHD diagnoses, sometimes little fidgets have helped them to sit appropriately in class...something to keep their hands busy can help focus their attention. Those squishy stress balls are great (and quiet if dropped), or koosh balls or similar toys. Not something to play with, just something to handle.
I've read a lot about the benefits of exercise in helping kids with ADHD, too. It seems like you keep your kiddos busy, so this is probably just something you naturally do. 20 min a day of exercise at a raised heart rate has been shown in some studies to reduce or eliminate the need for medication for ADHD. Certain types of exercise are better than others for this...sports that require more prolonged focus and movement (cycling, running, swimming) are better than sports like baseball with all it's down time. If you're interested, I can find the link to the article and send it to you.
At the same time, don't be too hard on yourself. Every extra kid multiplies the energy level rather than just adding to it. You're clearly wonderful parents; I've been parenting for 18 years, and I regularly learn from you.
candy... maybe skittles (or goldfish crackers would work)... put a kid between you and your husband and one on the other side of each of you.. promise three skittles for every five minutes of quiet.. keep in pockets and hand them out quietly every five minutes... explain to them that they must take the food quietly... it's not ideal, but if it gets you through church in peace until the kids are old enough to be quiet on their own it's worth it... As they get a little older, explain that they don't need anymore but give them a dessert or something after church if they behaved. If bribery isn't your style, give each kid one pencil and one piece of paper and have draw a picture or write a letter to mail to grandma for her fridge for the week (no crayons, markers, etc. allowed.) If a kid goofs off and doesn't do it one week, have grandma send a photo of her fridge with the other two kids pics with a note about it that week. If the kids are competitive at all, this should inspire the slacking kid to spend more time on the picture the next week.
Our daughter was more of a challenge during those early years than our son was.
My method of correction seems really mean compared to these otehrs I'm reading but here goes:
I walked (or carried) her out of the sanctuary and took her to an empty classroom. I kept the door open but the lights off and held her on my lap with my arms around her waist. I didn't allow her to talk or get down and play. We simply sat in a dim room and tried to hear the service the best we could. She soon learned that the church service was much better than a dim room where she couldn't move at all; and was able to make it through the service by looking at books or coloring quietly - no more loud wiggling and talking.
I know this is probably not an easy answer with three but maybe you could somehow work it out.
Also, poor behavior in church resulted in going straight home afterward instead of eating lunch out with friends.
We all go through rough phases like you're describing. You're doing great and will soon find an answer that fits your family.
Have you seen the book, Parenting in the Pew by Robbie Castleman? I found some helpful ideas when mine were younger.
Pam
I have two boys that are about 6 mos younger than your crew, as well as an almost 8 year old boy. We just began having all 3 sit with us in church this past summer. When the congregation, stands to sing, they do too. When we sit to listen and/or pray, they do too. Also,they each have a composition notebook and 1 pencil. In it, they take notes. When they first began taking notes, we would give them maybe 4 words to listen for. When they heard those words, they would make tally marks. Once they get past that stage, they actually take notes on their own. It's fun to hear what they learned with their own ears each week. (I know that you said your kids only have to be with you for 20 minutes. But I hope that knowing how much success we've had with our boys sitting through the entire service encourages you.)
It's tough to have littles in church.
I don't think your expectations are too high. They can sit and try to listen for 20 minutes. On the other hand, those around you should chill. Kids make noise. They move. They wiggle.
I don't have multiples, but I've had two very busy ones. I taught them how to finger crochet to keep their hands busy (6 was about the age that worked), we also did the notebook and attached pencil thing (mechanical pencil to avoid the sharpness issue), and soon enough they were following along with the pastor.
It helped that I drew along with them or wrote them notes.
I think offering rewards for good behavior would be a good idea as well.
It's worth the struggle. Just last Sunday, I sat next to a 7/8 year old boy in church who was plugged into his Nintendo DS during the service. He was so engrossed in his game that he groaned when he lost and, of course, it was a quiet part of the service. So rude. I'm glad they are there at church, but I wish they had worked harder to help him sit through a church service when he was just a bit younger.
Good luck. Take a deep breath. It's all good.
We have had the same struggle - three small kids (two of whom are very busy boys).
We, too, have tried crayons, little toys, and books, but in our experience, the distraction they create isn't worth the hassle they create.
So we went cold turkey. The kids don't get anything during church. They are expected to sit/stand as appropriate and listen and be still. And that is it. Sounds harsh I know, but it has worked for us.
We practice at home a few times per week, sitting longer than at church. We line up kitchen chairs and have at it. Boring, yes. But it works.
One more comment ... our church posts the bulletin online prior to Sunday (usually Friday). I can then teach some of the songs to the kids prior to Sunday. That goes a LONG way in keeping them interested.
I feel your "pain"! My husband is the pastor so I am in the pew alone with my three children (6 yrs, 5 yrs, 3 yrs)! Fortunately, we have a congregation that loves our children and sees them as a blessing rather than a burden, although I sit struggling each Sunday with my thoughts that "my three blessings" are quite a distraction. We are also blessed to have a session of elders (who have been down this path before us) that have gently approached us with suggestions and advice. I wish I could give you some but I always fear that it might come across harsh or unrealistic on a comment forum from someone you don't know....then again, maybe I'm just fearful to voice any opinion! HA!
I will second (third? fourth?) the "practice at home" advice.
I have a 5 yr old and a BUSY 3 yr old who both sit with us through a 1.5 hour service each week. Some weeks are better than others. :)
We have a special bag that comes to church with us. Each child has their own spiral notebook and pack of twistable crayons. They are allowed to take ONE crayon out at a time.
My three year old is SUPER squirmy, so we are still working with her.
But having a family Bible time at night-- even if it's only 5 minutes long-- that encourages them to sit still and pay attention really helps them to sit quietly during church.
Not sure what kind of music your services have (ie traditional hymns, contemporary choruses), but it also helps to familiarize your kids with the music ahead of time. They are much more willing to participate if they KNOW the songs.
And I'll add that my 5 yr old was perfectly behaved during church at age 3, but my now 3-almost-4 yr old still struggles. I am a firm believer that every child is different and personality plays a HUGE role in it.
Above all else, remember that you *training* them. Training is a process that requires patience. And eventually, they'll get it! :)
My mom always used to give me a pinch of play-doh to keep my hands busy and a lemon drop candy to keep me quiet, it worked like a charm, or so she says. The play-doh was just enough to keep me semi-focused, and the lemon drop was always a fun treat.
Y'all have some great tips and ideas!!!! Thank you! I know this will be helpful to other Mamas too!
Our church does not have a nursery program. They have a mother's room (which is full of wild children and nearly impossible for me to get anything out of church in there, so we don't use it). In my family of origin we were taught from infancy how to sit through church. We always had a "Sabbath" bag full of activities that were not only quiet, but spiritually appropriate as well.
I have worked to do this with my children as well. People are always amazed at how quiet they are (4 and 18 months). Not that I don't have to take a noisy toddler out sometimes, but in general they have activities to do and have learned to whisper and sit quietly.
You can teach this at any age. One of my good friends teaches her children self control by having them practice sitting with their hands folded for increasingly longer periods of time. She has even started with her 2 year old.
So far church has been about fun activities for your kids. I'm guessing the nursery program has not taught them about reverence. So that is where you need to pick up your training at. Explaining how the Sanctuary is Jesus House. We don't run and jump, talk loud, or goof around. You can practice this at home and reward their good behavior there and at Church.
6 year olds are certainly capable of doing this. If you need to, sit between each of them so that they are not egging each other on. I'd encourage you to keep them throughout the service. Its important for kids to learn to do this, you don't want them to start disliking church because the grown up part is boring and sitting still all the time.
Also with my family, we were allowed to play with felts, draw pictures, color, work puzzles etc... until we were old enough to read and follow along. Have your kids keep track of how many times the pastor says the word God or Jesus, Love, Grace, Salvation, things like that. It helps them start to pay attention to the sermon. You know they're capable of understanding more then we often give them credit for. They'll start to hear spiritual things they don't understand and then can ask you about them later on.
Best wishes!
I don't have kids their age yet (mine are 2 and 4); so I don't have much to add to what other more experienced moms have already written.
I just wanted to let you know that I am a product of the "practice at home" method. My dad would have us sit on the couch, quietly, for several minutes. He called it "practicing church." Both of my parents were pastors, and we were expected (from a very young age) to sit in the pews quietly by ourselves.
I'm not sure I'll use that exact tactic with my two. My guess is that we'll throw some skittles or M&M's into the mix to make it a little more fun.
I just wanted to let you know that my brother and I both "suffered" through that method, and we're no worse for the wear.
I'll be praying for you guys!
I took mine out and spanked them--only had to do that once. I find it a little odd that no one mentioned that as an option. I adore my kids, and they are all wonderful teenagers now--perhaps, spanking is considered old-fashioned or something. ;)
Since the "church time" is only 20 minutes, I don't think I'd give them anything to do. (We allow our young kids to draw during the message part of the service since we don't have a kids' church time.) If you and your husband sat between the children and encouraged them to listen/participate, I think they could do it! If they have to sit and listen at school, they could probably do it at church, too. Then, they wouldn't see it as a playtime which seems to end up being a "noisy" time. And if necessary, a child could be taken out by Daddy so he could emphasize the importance of being good in church...that really worked for a few of my kids. HTH!
Maria
i think someone else already mentioned it but check out Parenting in the Pew by Robbie Castleman. I have seen parents draw a circle on the bulletin and have their child illustrate ONE thing they are hearing while they sit and listen. As they get older, add more circles...
You're amazing. I bet you feel like it's more distracting than it really is!! :)
Katie
I only have 1 child. But when she was little. I would promise her something special, usualy a treat to eat after lunch if she was good in church. It worked. Good luck.
20 min. from 6 year olds is very reasonable -- you're not being too harsh on them! During the summers, there's no child care for older kids, so at ages 7 & 8, I let my two boys bring one book that's related to church/Jesus-oriented. I expect them to stand for worship, sing along, etc., and during the sermon, they can either use the sermon notes and write things down, or read their books. For a whole service to work, though, I have to sit bewteen them. :o) My husband is the worship pastor, so I'm often alone during church. When our 4-year-old ages out, we'll see what happens . . .
Nancy
I don't think it's unreasonable, but I found that they have to gradually be taught to sit quietly and not be distracting to some. We honestly looked at the fact that our kids didn't have "children's church" at young ages as a blessing because they had to learn earlier. People can be very critical of how kids behave but are more forgiving at younger ages. They had to try and learn early to sit still. But also, I only have one at each age like you mentioned. I imagine it is much harder with three the same age. I would definitely sepearate them as best you can and have each their own activity so as they are not sharing. I would talk about behavior in church a lot on any day other than Sunday. We used to talk to our girls on Saturday night at supper about what would be expected in worship the next day. One mom also suggested to give my kids a word to listen for in songs or Bible reading and have them and me keep a tally. That helped with my older daughter as I was struggling to get her to listen and participate. Lastly, don't beat yourself up about this. Train, but realize you are doing a great job with your kids! And most around you would say the same thing. I remember one piece of advice a preacher's wife offered to me when my girls were a little younger. She said she felt like going to worship with little ones was simply showing the devil whose side you were on. In other words, you may not get to listen during that 20 minutes, but you are taking care of much bigger issues. You are showing your kids where your heart lies and training them in ways that will go way beyond their young years. And you are showing Satan that you won't let him take your kids! Hang in there! You are doing great!
Everyone has great ideas! I am often the lone parent in the pew with two very active children (and one in the nursery). Someone mentioned Parenting in the Pew by Robbie Castleman....I read that recently, and it really helped me embrace getting the children "into" the service. (We often sing songs together at home that are chosen for our worship services.) You still have to give them parameters, but it's more definitelyfun to enjoy the worship together (and even the announcements) rather than being on "patrol" the whole time. I'm sure you're doing a fabulous job! Just feel free to ignore everyone else while you work it out ;-).
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