While much of the detail of that day is fuzzy, there are definitive moments that are crystal clear.
When Dr. Marcus came in on early morning rounds and declared, "There is no need to be a hero here. You have made it to 31 weeks. Today is baby day. I'll call and schedule an OR."
Wait, what day is today? May 26th. May 26th? Baby day. Holy cow! Baby day...
I called my husband and cried. He was already rounding at work over an hour away.
"Honey, get here quick. It is baby day!"
Then I called my parents and my mother-in-law who lived 20 minutes away. I had been confined to that hospital bed for 8 1/2 weeks. You would think I would have thought through this moment. But how could you, really? The half hour I laid in that bed alone as nurses scrambled around making preparation for the delivery was bewildering. I was overwhelmed, joyful and scared to death. Although there was no way to fully grasp it, I knew that day was going to change my life.
I think about how I felt when I woke up the day of my wedding day. There was anticipation, nervousness about the details, but primarily it was joy. I was about to spend the rest of my life with a man I still couldn't believe God chose for me!
Baby day was different. I couldn't wait to meet them, but I was painfully aware of how very little I knew about newborns or how to raise people and shepherd little souls...and two boys? I didn't know what to do with boys!
When they rolled me down to pre-op holding I just cried. Tears seemed the perfect release for how hard we had prayed to get to this moment: parenthood! They released my joy, my exhaustion, my fear, my anticipation...and countless other emotions I probably still cannot completely sort out.
Today I feel some of those same feelings...I am 1/3 of the way to adulthood with my trio. (Yikes!) We have finished a few chapters now: infancy, toddlerhood, preschool. So much of the paraphernalia that once encumbered us is now a thing of the past.
I was reminded of this last night when we took another spontaneous nature walk around the golf course. One minute we were in the front yard playing and the next we were on a 45 minute adventure. The world is still exciting, interesting and inviting. There is budding independence mixed with sweet innocence. I am thrilled about all the adventure ahead of us.
I also have some anticipation. I know that as I symbolically roll down the hall this day it is towards a chapter of childhood that will bring friendship challenges, back talk, materialism, peer pressure, homework/grades and much more.
Six years later I have far less fear, because I know WHO is pushing me--WHO is in charge and WHO wrote this beautiful story.
Ironically, the things I was afraid of this time 6 years ago weren't even the biggest threats. It never even crossed my mind that my life might be threatened. I borrowed a lot of worry--and it wasn't even aimed in the right direction. God showed Himself in a mighty way May 26, 2004. He wrote a life changing chapter of my story that day.
I don't want to dwell in the past. I want to live in today. Yet, I have learned that the faith necessary for today is a product of the faithfulness of my God through the ages. So, I pause to reflect, to remember what He has done and to shout His praises. He is undoubtedly Sovereign. He is good. I cannot wait to see what He has in store for us next.
And to my children, happy, happy, happy day! I never could have dreamed of little people as bright, funny, caring and precious as you. Each of you is a totally unique gift from God. It blows me away to think about how He has fearfully and wonderfully made you--on purpose and with a purpose. You challenge me and teach me in ways I could have never imagined being 'schooled.' I cannot wait to see what God does in and through your lives. Your Daddy and I LOVE you.