This morning I had the opportunity to hear from Paul & Virginia Friesen of Home Improvement Ministries. They spoke to a group of women for about 90 minutes about Having a Joyful Marriage that Lasts. Their points were solid and very well-received.
One point that really resonated with (convicted) me was regarding meeting a man's need for respect. I have heard this emphasized in many marriage studies in the past. I understand that and am intentional about telling my husband that I respect him fairly often. The point that zinged me was during a discussion about willing disrespect (not really a problem in our marriage) to unwitting disrespect. (Uh-oh)
The Friesens challenged us to think about what respect/disrespect might look like to our husbands. Specifically, they spoke about a woman's tendency to want things done around the house 'our way' or to overlook a dozen things that our husbands remembered to do in order to point out the one they did not.
I was particularly interested in a point they made about Eve's curse in Genesis being translated by some to be 1-pain in child birth & 2-a desire to control our husbands though they lord over us.
Even though I am very type A, I do not actively seek to control my husband...but I confess I do want him to read my mind, be sensitive to my mood(whether or not I have told him what that is) and do things the way I would do them or better. Though I will be the first to admit my expectations are ridiculous, his inability to meet them annoys me. My expressions of those annoyances, as slight as they may be, are obvious to the man who loves me--and they translate to the very thing I know hurts him most...disrespect.
So, I confessed this to God and asked for a little additional nudging from the Holy Spirit to keep me from going down those dangerous mental and emotional roads. I have an amazing husband. I made a covenant with him & God that I have every intention of keeping. Would I really want silly annoyances to break down such a critical part of my life? Besides, now that I know it doesn't get to be categorized as unwitting anymore does it?
I also confessed this realization to my husband and apologized. I didn't make him any assurances about my ability to do it all right from now on...but I definitely love him enough to try.
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For those of you who love good reads, the Friesens suggested their 6 favorite marriage/parenting books(outside of the ones they have written):
Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas (I recommend this and/or Sacred Parenting, too)
Nature by Nurture by Paul & Barbara Tieger (raising children according to their personality bends)
The Child's Story Bible by Catherine Vos
Intimacy Ignited by Dillow and Pintus (about sex)
This Momentary Marriage: A Parable of Permanence by John Piper
A Grace Disguised by Jerry Sittser (about grief)
4 comments:
Thanks for sharing your heart's convictions! I definitely struggle with this too. Crazy as it sounds, I'm finding most recently that God is giving me a sense of humor about those things in my husband that I used to "nit-pick" about. It always turns into a sweet moment between the two of us when I start to crack up about his "crazy" way of doing things instead of going on and on with my disapproval. It's not ALWAYS the appropriate way of dealing with the situation, but it's definitely been a step in the right direction on MANY issues.
Thanks for sharing. I'm finding that I am going through this same thing with my husband right now and that I have found when I feel that he doesn't "know" me and my mood, things I like, I need to remember Mary and how she pondered these things in her heart. Not that me and my husband don't talk about it, but that I need to not be so selfish in wanting him to be something other than what he is.
You have hit upon the exact issue of struggle for me in our marriage-- the UNWITTING disrespect. My husband and I went to the "Love & Respect" conference a few years back (also a fabulous book, btw) and it was there that I finally understood how important respect is to a man. Since that time, I have been more intentional to be respectful with my words, but it's the little things... unconscious body launguage, the tone of my voice, etc. that do great harm. Things I don't even realize I'm doing!! I cannot tell you how many times I've been "disrespectful" without even realizing it! Thankfully, my husband is gracious and patient, and it is something we are working on.
But yes.... I really believe that this is the FUNDAMENTAL problem with marriages today. We women don't speak our husbands' love launguage-- RESPECT. And as you (or the Friesens?) pointed out, it all points back to Eve's curse.
I have read your blog for a while, but have never commented. I, too, have 3 little ones (6, 4, and 2). I really enjoy your stories and antics, but your words about Faith, God and relationships always resonate with me. It seems as though they come at just the time I need them. Thank you for sharing your family and your Faith. It's nice to see that we aren't alone in our struggles!
Amy
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