"My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think I am following Your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe the desire to please You does in fact please You." -Thomas Merton
My friend, Cabell, sent this to me today after a conversation we had yesterday. It truly summarizes the unsettled feeling within me these days. The semi-structured, hot days of Summer and the additional time with my children are a recipe for some un-pretty revelations about myself. I like "me" time. I am bossy. I like things to go my way. I am impatient. Whining makes me batty.
I believe in and accept the grace that has been offered to me through faith in Jesus Christ. I do not think my salvation is based on works. I am not trying to earn God's love, I just want Him to be proud of me. This is an issue I have struggled with since childhood. I can vividly remember saying to my Mom, "Are you proud of me?"
I know that God does not expect me to be perfect and don't really expect myself to be perfect either...I know it is FAR from possible. I just wish I could feel like I was getting better. It is so hard to be constantly confronted with my weaknesses and feeling powerless to do anything about them.
I do pray about them. I ask God for the fruit of the Spirit to be more evident in my life...yet I continue to blow it over and over.
As I was thinking about this today I was reminded that this knowledge of my sin is what keeps me at the feet of the cross--but it is so humbling. Some days it just makes me grumpy and frustrated with myself.
I am searching for how to live a life that reflects the glory of God's grace, but not use that as a cop-out. Anybody have that figured out?