I always get a little knot in my stomach when I sit down to write about the issues of parenting that I am struggling with. I really strive to be honest and real...but that also means being vulnerable. A fair number of folks that read my ramblings live in my town, but may not know me very well, so I feel especially 'naked.' Then again, since they *see* me out and about and interacting with my family they could probably list 5 more of my 'issues' for each one I am aware enough of to confess.
Whew! What a preface! Back to the point...
As my children get older, I am noticing my relationships with them becoming more like real give and take relationships, rather than just the 'I am the key to your survival' animalistic roles of the infant/toddler years. There is such reward in this, but there is much greater pressure to be fair and honest, to be a good listener, to think through the meta message I am sending beyond what my words are saying. They are old enough now to ask questions about why I say, do or decide things in various situations. I want to explain things to them when possible, to keep me honest and on point, but also to model for them the process of healthy decision making and communication in relationships.
I have been really convicted this week about the way I respond to them sometimes. Especially when I am tired, annoyed or busy. For example, when K sat on the silly putty and it made such a mess, I was put out and she could tell it. I did not punish her, per se, but my tone certainly did. (I do far too much of the tone punishing, I am afraid.) As I saw the look on her face in response to my exasperation, I felt God prick my heart. How would you feel if someone you loved was so put out with you over an honest mistake? This was not intentional. She did not know this was going to happen. It was a mistake.
Yikes! I was convicted.
I apologized to her for my tone and acknowledged that I realized it was an innocent mistake. "Mommy makes mistakes too," I confessed, "like reacting without thinking about how it might make you feel."
She wrapped her arms around me and then kissed my nose. Her wordless acceptance of my apology.
I have been thinking about this a lot for the last couple of days. How do we, as Moms, manage the application of the Golden Rule: treating our children as we would like to be treated versus the real responsibility and role we have as their authority and teacher? Aren't we obligated to impress upon them what is acceptable vs. unacceptable in various situations?
Forget the silly putty example and consider a child who whines constantly or does not come despite repeated requests to join the rest of the family for dinner or the child who pitches fits when things don't go his way. It seems fair and authentic to let them know this is frustrating, without a huge lecture.
How do you balance treating your child with dignity and respect versus using all your resources (i.e., your tone of voice) to send a message? This is my biggest struggle as a Mom. I am praying so hard about it...but I have a long way to go.
Please comment if you have a thought on this. I cannot wait to hear your wise insight!
15 comments:
The "golden rule" as we call it (Matt. 7:12) is part of a LONG sermon by Christ encompassing many topics, basically challenging the prevailing "party line" that had developed over many, many years by Jewish priests from the law. He was laying the foundation for the new kingdom, the church, which was soon to be established in Acts. This one particular scripture is commonly singled out and not seen in "the whole cloth" which give it more connotations that it would have singly.
I believe there is an assumption contained within the golden rule that the treatment WE wish to receive is based on a spirit of "what is best for my spiritual and mental wellbeing" vs. "I'll do this so I'll get this". It's directing a proactive vs. reactive action. We are charged, as parents, with bringing up our children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. Nurture - that's what we all want. It's what tomes are written about. It's what gets all the press.
But "admonition" - that's the one we don't want, don't seek and, as the Brits say, "get our knickers in a twist" when we receive. I do not believe that the Bible contradicts itself so, by taking the whole, and laying these commands within the context they are given, we can know what we are to do. We treat others with respect as we also wish to receive. And that admonition? We can lay it down carelessly or carefully which is where that golden rule comes into play.
Children are told to obey their parents. And parents, while told to discipline their children, are also warned against doing so in a manner that is counterproductive.
Eph. 6:4 Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.
So the many "pieces" make up a whole. None can stand alone.
Hebrews 12 starting at vs. 9 sums it up well -
9 Besides this, we have had earthly fathers who disciplined us and we respected them. Shall we not much more be subject to the Father of spirits and live? 10 For they disciplined us for a short time as it seemed best to them, but he disciplines us for our good, that we may share his holiness. 11 For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.
The experience a child has within the family, respecting, loving, obeying, being cared for and disciplined by the parent is SO CRUCIAL to going to that NEXT step in adulthood of being part of God's family - respecting, loving, obeying and being cared for and disciplined by the Heavenly Father. I find it so marvelous this plan that He has.
This is long I know. But it is a subject near and dear to my heart. And one that I think it very misunderstood and wrongly applied too often.
I find it helpful to talk to my kids AFTER (often hours later) the difficult behavior/event has occurred. It is too difficult...too intense...too emotionally wrought...to try and reason and discuss in the middle of difficult behavior, a fit, overwhelming whining, or simply obnoxious/annoying attitude/behavior. Often, long after things have calmed down, I will say to my 4 year old, something like, "do you remember this morning when you were at Ellie's birthday party, and you were complaining that you didn't like the pizza they were serving and you wanted the cake first and you were whining and complaining and carrying on...." etc and "I felt embarrassed when you were behaving that way because I think you may have hurt Ellie's feelings....how would you feel if one of your friends told you at your birthday that they didn't like the food or the games at your party? How do you think Ellie felt when you pitched a fit at her party and you wouldn't eat lunch? I wonder how you might handle your disappointment/frustration/etc differently next time?
For me, it's all about empathy...helping them learn to put themselves in the shoes of others...and to truly FEEL how their behavior impacts/effects those around them.
Usually these sorts of statements and questions on my part lead my son to really think about his behavior, and he often can offer reasonable insights in to his behavior LATER, long after the event. I notice that the next time he starts to "fall apart", I can remind him that we'll be talking later about his behavior and to think to himself: "is this really how you want to be behaving right now? You can make a better choice, and it's my expectation that you will. Think carefully about the way you are behaving right now!"
I expect the two-way street parenting approach with my kids--i.e, it is important to me that they TAKE as well as GIVE in terms of their relationship with me. I make sacrifices for them ALL the time, and it's my expectation that they will occasionally do the same in reverse. For example, not interrupting when I am on the phone or conversing with another adult in public (even though you are a little bored, this conversation is important to ME), eating at a restaurant that I prefer for once (not always their choice! I have preferences too!), waiting patiently without complaining while I finish a few minutes of shopping that I'm enjoying (my needs are different than your needs, but nonetheless important; later we'll do something that YOU enjoy, and maybe I find a bit boring!), etc. IT's all about give and take. There needs to be a balance, even with relationships with our very young children. They are capable of delaying gratification, and putting the needs of others ahead of their own, even if just for a few minutes...
This is an interesting topic, and I will enjoy reading the comments from others!
Pam
I don't have any advice, but wanted to let you know I am struggling with this as well.
My tone is all too often not a pleasent one, but I am making a serious effort to fix this.
I am looking forward to reading more of the responses.
This must be a concern for any loving parent. I heard my tone while speaking to my daughter the other day, and there's just no way around it, I sounded like a jerk. I wouldn't allow my friends to speak to me like that, I wouldn't allow my BOSS to speak to me like that. So I apologized to her.
Since we can't always help or prevent when we make mistakes (as in a tone) I think a very important step is to apologize--- to show your child that they are important enough to deserve an apology.
I must admit, I think occasional use of the "unhappy tone" is warranted---if it is used sparingly--to convey genuine feelings. You might be a mommy but you ARE also human and should not disguise every 'non-sunny' emotion that you have. To portray a false image of what humans experience is a detriment also.
But yes, it is a delicate balance. I think of it like this-- if *I* think I'm being a jerk, I should apologize. If I think the reprimand was warranted, I don't. But I try to remember every minute that my children are people and people with feelings at that.
Plus, I have a horror of their first memory of me being one where I'm reprimanding them.
Good luck! :0)
I don't have any advice.
I wish I did.
Lately, it has been my goal to become a better 'mom'-- the godly one God expects me to be.
I struggle with the respect and dignity thing also. Especially when it comes to dealing with children who won't stop whining or crying/screaming (when they aren't hurt) to tell me what is going on.....
I just wanted to encourage you and say that I am there with you!
This is my struggle too, so I have no advice but to pray!!!! Thanks for sharing your heart!
I, too, struggle with this one, and I'm not sure there is an answer except to do exactly what you did - to not be afraid to humble ourselves and ask for forgiveness when this happens. It keeps us in a healthy spot, keeps us humble, teachable. I can't tell you how many times over the last 5 years that I have had to ask Joshua to forgive me for my over-reaction. Children are so forgiving, as is our sweet God.
This area is a huge struggle for me. I need to work on this. Thanks for your honesty.
As I look back on the younger years, I too struggled with my tone. I never had to punish much but my tone was something I always struggled to keep under wraps.
Now as I deal with late teens, I still find myself apologizing for my tones at times. I do know that if we are not careful the degree of our tones still can tear a child down, especially if we say things that are demeaning. I believe this is for me emotional abuse and it at times can hurt worse than a slap because it is their spirits that are being attacked.
I always told my kids, it is a big responsibility being a mom and I am not perfect and I never made them feel like I was inferior over them. I always let them know what I expected and it was not unreasonable.
I continually asked God to convict me and still do, every age even the teen years bring many challenges, God can change this in us, but it is one day at a time awareness.
I hasten to add to my earlier comment that in no way was I advocating not apologizing to our children when we have erred against THEM! That is essential. Sharp words are unfortunately a fact of life - they are gone before we know it and while we can't "take them back", we can let our child(ren) know they were foolishly uttered and apologize. But the child does need to know that while the "delivery" of a caution or correction may be overly strong, the caution or correction is still necessary.
It is quite a task to make sure we as parents correctly differentiate between irritation on our part and genuine misbehavior on the part of the child. With the "go-go-go" schedules most Americans have, we get over tired, time-and-effort taxed, and "auditory" taxed from every side. A sharp tone is VERY necessary and demands immediate response if your child is in the street with a bus bearing down on them! But to use the same tone every time a child interrupts you isn't. And I have been just as guilty of this as the next mother. We just have to be "works in progress" and always strive to move forward, not backwards! I admit I have more clarity on this now that I'm a grandmother (and seem to have more patience as well).
I struggle with this constantly. While I recognize it is a universal challenge for all mothers, I really think that having three children the same age ups the ante a bit. I get so tired - and truthfully burned out -explaining the same things over and over and over again. Trying to respond fairly, lovingly to the third child to need me within a very short period of time is overwhelming some days. The lack of time (again universal) to gather my thoughts, my attitude, while trying to meet the needs of three very different little people is hard for me - a person who needs silence, contemplation, peacefulness to really figure things out.
I did read an excellent, thought provoking book that I would highly recommend to every parent. Unconditional Parenting (www.unconditionalparenting.com) by Alfie Kohn. It addresses the fairness, and treating your kids with dignity part of things very well and still causes me to carefully evaluate my motives before I respond harshly to my children. I wish I could say I choose dignity more often, but I am oh so human and flawed. As you can see from all your comments, you're not alone! I'll say a prayer for all of us as we continue on this journey of mothering little souls.
OH boy is God dealing with me on this VERY thing! It is not what I say it is how I say it. I see my oldest especially (she just turned six) modeling what I do - how I say things down to the hand gesture. I realized the other day that I was going to have to consciously look into their eyes when I talk to them - sometimes I am busy and that is when it is at its worst - I snap before I even realize that I have. I often times will catch myself just by gazing into their eyes - LOTS of times I have to stop myself mid-sentence, apologize for my tone, and start over again. I also have realized that I need to pray like crazy...especially before I am about to confront them on something. I desire gentleness - to be a gentle mommy is what I desire above all - I am not sure when this desire took root - but I do know God has put it in my heart. I know what you mean about being vulnerable...sometimes when I am about to comment or post something I get a knot in my tummy wondering if it will be taken the wrong way :(...either way it is SO good to know another mommy that I look up to so much is struggling - thank you for your honesty! Now that I have left this HUGELY long comment I want to go back and read what other Mommy's have written! Sunshine
Goodness- this has been very heavy on my mind and heart lately. I am been making a conscious effort to say 'yes' more than I say 'no'- and to make sure I am giving out more smiles, than I am 'the look'. The whining, not-listening, stubborness can make this very very difficult most days (my oldest will be 5 July 9th and is VERy STRONG WILLED). I have no advice to dole out-- but it is reassuring to read other comments and know that I am not the only mom that struggles with this DAILY.
Our children are also so much smarter than us- that they can read us and know when we have that tone- even though we may not be speaking any words at all.
I remember an interview that I saw with Mayo Angelo.. it went something along the line of asking a parent- how do you show a child that you love them?
Do your eyes light up when you walk into a room? Do your eyes light up?
Geez- this parenting stuff is hard!
Well...from reading the other comments, you are not alone, and either am I. It's funny how one thing we see in ourselves and feel so badly about and not sure even how to deal with it, and yet when it's thrown out there like in your blog...real, so many people can understand and our going through the same thing. We are not alone. As moms we do the best we can. We are all new at this and have to figure things out. I catch myself too many times regretting my tone or the words I say and have to stop and make it right. Prayer!
So nice to hear that I'm not the only one who's been struggling. Loved reading everyone's comments. It really hits me when my children say to me "sorry you yelled"/ Alot of the time I do need to aplogize. And many times it goes like this "yes, I'm sorry I yelled, and I'm sorry you did .....I need to work on not yelling and you need to work on...." I try to incorporate in our nighttime prayers with the kids to ask God to forgive mommy for such and such and forgive son/daughter for such and such and to help mommy watch her words and help son/daughter to obey/behave...
I'm really trying to use the empathy approach more and more and say "oh no, you did such and such, you'll have to go to time out, clean up the mess, etc." But I slip so easily into snapping at my children. The biggest thing I've found is if I pray first thing int he morning for God to fill our house with His presence and within me I do have much better attitude and ability with my darlings.
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