Lamentations 3:40
Last January, I wrote a post chronicling the wrestling match that had been going on in my heart and head over my involvement in ministry outside our home. I realize this is a very personal decision for women and I think God has different purposes for different people. I sought God's Will for our family by going through a study on purpose with my accountability partner, prayer and seeking wise counsel from a couple of godly older women in my life. I became convinced that God did have ministry work for me to do outside the walls of my home as long as it was within well-defined parameters. I prayed for His vision and subsequent blessing, as I simultaneously committed to keeping the needs of my family first.
I have always been an over-committer, a true 'burning the candle at both ends' kind of girl. Motherhood and my heart medication have demanded that I get this weakness under control. I am not gifted in hospitality or the craftier side of homemaking. Oh, how I admire those who can make things with their hands! My gifts lend themselves much more to making things with ideas. My gifts are in adminstration, organization and leadership.
This month I began my two-year term as the chairman of the board of directors for the group home for foster children I've been involved with for the past five years. We have an excellent staff, so my time committment is primarily to be available for consultation via phone and e-mail and meetings maybe 3-4 hours a week. I love this work. It energizes me and blesses my family to get to share ourselves and our resources with children who have had a rough road in life thus far. It is a great fit to share the overflow of my 'parenting energy' in a place where parents have been absent. I try to take my children by the home periodically so they get a glimpse into this ministry as well. I want them to understand that when I am away from them it is in order to do something else important. One of my passions as a mother is to instill a heart for serving others in our children.
I take my role very seriously and want to serve with excellence and dependability. I want to honor my committment to the organization. You can imagine how humbling it has been to miss two meetings within the last week due to the illness of my children. I made a promise to my family and my God to keep them first. I don't regret that. I cannot and will not call a sitter to come sit with my sick children.
It has, however, been a real test to my ego and my pride. I am realizing a huge part of my identity is in being responsible, dependable and capable. I hate feeling like I have let people down. I certainly don't want to let my family down, but I don't want to let others down either. I don't have to tell those of you who work outside the home, this tightrope is hard!
Today I had a lunch meeting. At the outset I informed the folks that I would need to slip out at 12:45 to pick up the children, so we were already on a tight schedule. We had just gotten to the meat of our discussion when my cell phone vibrated. I recognized the number of the preschool. Their teacher informed me that P was having a very off day--screaming, crying, getting overwrought. He was inconsolable and needed his Mommy. Without hesitation, I excused myself from the meeting and went to be with my son. After a trip to the pediatrician we have confirmed that he, too, now has an ear infection...that is 3 ear infections in 7 days if you are counting (one in each child).
I feel like I am experiencing my first real test of my priorities. There is no question in my mind regarding what comes first. I just feel a bit guilty about what must come second as a result. Sometimes keeping your word and doing the right thing is hard. Despite my attempts to be many places and available to many in need, there is only one me. I cannot do it all. Who will get my best?
Lord, search me. Know me. I invite you to flush out my prideful motivation to be 'so capable' and make me instead fully dependent on You. I need you. Any of this work done without you, however well intentioned, is not your work at all. I recommit the work and the worker to You, Father.
10 comments:
This is a hard one. I am praying for you. You are like me, an overachiever, I too love the roles of administration and leadership and it is hard to change hats. It is also hard too I am sure because you were once out there in the professional world making a go of it, and sometimes motherhood does not show its finest fruit until much later in life. You are an incredible mom girl and the last few days have obviously been trying, don't give in to the enemy's lies that you are worthless and not investing in something that will pay dividends for generations to come.
As an older woman reading your blog, I am so humbled and blessed by your updates. I am thrilled at the commitment you have in your walk with Christ...and your desire to please Him in all you do. It is an encouragement to me to read of younger women seeking the Lord in all parts of your lives. May the Lord bless you in all areas of your life as you seek to honor him with your parenting, your outreach to this group home, and every other facet of your life. I am so thankful for younger families having a thirst after God’s own heart.
I don't have any answers, but know you'll find the right ones. It is hard.
It is hard juggling it all, and right now is just a busy sick time that is not very likely (although three times as likey vs the normal parent!) to happen in the future.
I think unless you have a back up plan or helper in waiting, it is just part of juggling.
You are doing wonderful. Hopefully the kids will be feeling better soon.
Its not hard at all, you made the right decision, you will be respected for putting your children first. There is enough of you to go around but your children have only one mother. Sick children are assured when there mom that they are loved. Perhaps as your children get older it will be easier. You definately are gifted and I can relate to those children as I have been in the foster care as a ward of the State when I was a child inbetween abusive parents, so I know how important it is for you, but your babies are priority. I think it is amazing that your kiddo's will grow up being a part of your vision for this Home.
You are amazing.
I hear you. I was just voicing similar frustrations to my husband last night about the very minimal work I do outside of my home, feeling stretched and unfocused. However, I refuse to give in to what the world expects from me. I know Who I serve, and through Him I am able.
Besides, at the end of my life, I will not look back and wish I had worked more. I will look back and know I loved much.
Two years ago, I was offered the perfect job - hours were 10 a.m. to 2 p.m. - with summers off and two weeks at Christmas off.
I loved it, but it still interfered with my time as a mom. I was still leaving a sick child home on the couch, even for four hours. I still wasn't home on School holidays.
I have quit the perfect job because for our family, it was the best choice for me to still be home, even though my kids are teenagers. We have now made the decision that I won't return to work until both are out of high school, if then.
I completely understand where you are coming from.
I so appreciate your perspective, JMom, and I also applaud you for making the right decision and putting your own three above the demands and responsibilities of others.
Wiping noses and bottoms is thankless work to be sure, but so many other lessons are being taught in the midst of it.
Your children are learning more through your sacrifice as well as through watching your determination to be faithful to your commitments when it is possible to do that.
I'm re-learning this lesson as well. Having a new baby in the house, in addition to a 6-year-old girl and a 4-year-old boy, I'm having to completely re-evaluate how I live my day-to-day life. It's humbling to admit that I'm not going to be able to get as many things done each day as I used to. (Maybe I put too much stock into my efficiency and organization skills.)
But I know my real job is raising my children to be responsible adults who have a passion for Christ. So it's time, once again, to let go of some of the other, "lesser" responsibilities.
Thanks, JP. Once again, you've encouraged me.
Oh, you must be looking at my life right now. I have been home for three days with sick triplets and had to leave my new student teacher with my class of first graders. I have felt guilty being away from my job but my children come first. It really is hard to do it all, especially when you have a job or responsibility outside of your home. I know your plight but just know you are not alone...all mothers are struggling with this to some degree. It is funny that you posted this when I am living it this very day. Take care and hopefully, our children will all be better soon.
Mandy
GA
www.madelinegracehopkins.blogspot.com
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