One of the things that makes my husband an awesome partner is his wisdom and discernment regarding when to point things out and when to let it go. I wish I had this gift! He very rarely points out my weaknesses or inadequacies and is thoughtful to point out things he appreciates.
Last night he mentioned that I seemed "lighter" (and unfortunately, he was not referring to my post-holiday weight!) He noted that I seemed happier, more fun and like I was enjoying the children. I had not really thought about it prior to his comments, but I think he is right!
I promise I am not getting a kickback from the authors of Love & Logic, but I have finally found a parenting philosophy that works for our family. (It is important to note I am still only on page 60, so there may be things I disagree with to come.)
One of the points that has made a HUGE difference to me is the encouragement to give away control whenever you can, so you are able to take it back when you really need it. As a structured, type-A, control freak my first response to this was skeptical. However, after trying it for a few days I am sold. Practically, this has involved my looking for as many things during the day to let the children choose (between two acceptable choices I have narrowed it down to). The author's point is that by allowing them to choose when it is not important, you encounter less resistance when it is important for the parent to choose. It is a win/win.
The children love this. They light up when I ask them to make a choice and seem to feel "important" as a result of more empowerment. I feel like I am saying "NO" much less and encountering less push back when I do. It feels so good to not be saying no so often, without the guilt that I am being too "permissive" in order to avoid conflict.
The other fantastic byproduct has been the forced evaluation of my "rules." Is there a logical reason for my decrees, or is it just for my convenience or preference? I am lightening up--and rather than feeling like it means I have "lost," it is feeling like a win.
Things are not perfect. There are, afterall, three often irrational 3 1/2 year olds--and an imperfect Mommy--under this roof. But, things are definitely better.
The children don't necessarily enjoy my renewed committment to consequences. As a matter of fact, P responded to being put in Time Out yesterday by yelling, "You are not berry nice, Mommy!" I am having to thicken my skin, but it is worth it because he did not repeat the behavior once he was out.
Off to read some more!
8 comments:
I ordered this book after I read the post where you first mentioned it. I can't wait for it to get here! I am longing to read it!
I am thinking about getting this book after reading your last few posts! I have a 3 yr. old and a 19 month old and I'm about to pull my hair out! I'm tired, annoyed, frustrated, etc. and it's not pretty! Thanks for your insight.
I am so happy for you that your family is reaping the benefits of L&L too! I'm actually enjoying coming up with choices to give to Sam throughout the day.
If you don't mind, I'll send my friends to this post. I've been posting about what I'm learning and getting your wise perspective will be a welcome addition I'm sure.
I have read this book twice and I do love it! I haven't fully begun to implement its process into our discipline yet, because when I read it mine were 1.5 and 3 months. Now, I need to get it out and really begin the process with them. I think I struggled (and got stuck) with what phrase to use as "our phrase", but I do love the time clock (for when to leave) and then giving them choices part which we do do! Anyway, good luck and I am glad it is working so well for all of you it sounds! :)
I've been reading this book as well, and am starting to implement it at our house.
So far, it's really helping, and I feel "lighter" as well. My kids are really responding and I love how positive I feel, with all my "I would be happy to..." and "Feel free to join us when...." statements. I really wish I would've read this book a couple of years ago!
Taught 5th grade for 8 years, and studied through this book my 2nd year...it does make things a little easier to deal with...also makes you really put into perspective what "matters" and what does not. Does it really matter what shoes as long as there are shoes on the 4 year old? hee hee Choices are always good and make them feel more independent. I am sure you will still like it when you get to the end. My theory: Choose your battles, if it is not life or death, let them have a choice.
Glad to hear things are going well. It does feel good to say 'no' less. We don't like hearing that word, so it makes sense that our kids would tire of it as well. I hope the success continues.
I read this book when my boys were less than a year old and I find myself re-reading it often. It has great ideas and things just seem simple and obvious. I am glad you are able to get something out of it, too. Life is much easier when the kids are happy and well behaved :)
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