I don’t mean to say that I have already achieved these things or that I have already reached perfection. But I press on to possess that perfection for which Christ Jesus first possessed me. No, dear brothers and sisters, I have not achieved it, but I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us.
Philippians 4:12-14 (New Living Translation)
I have been thinking about the tone of my posts lately. I was wondering what I would think of "me" if I were a stranger who stumbled on this site and read these ramblings. Specifically, the season I have been in of recognizing my sinfulness and my need for a Savior. Do I sound depressed? Like I am beating myself up or being overly critical?
It might be helpful to share a little about my background. I did not grow up in the church. I went to Vacation Bible School in the Summer. I occasionally attended Sunday School. My church attendance/involvement really became more regular after my grandparents' divorce. My broken-hearted grandmother sought comfort and healing within the church and my younger sister & I would often accompany her. In August 1987, after a Summer full of being loved on and invested in by Youth workers at the church, I accepted Christ.
Because I was only 12, there had not been a lot of time for me to commit any "really bad sins." I dived head first into the Youth group and was surrounded by the positive influence of strong families. I was a good girl in high school and college. Even though I went off to a large state university and joined a sorority, I was rooted in Scripture. God kept me out of trouble. I have few wild stories to share. As a result, it has long been a temptation of mine to fall into the trap of thinking my sin wasn't all that bad.
This season of considering my sin and selfishness has been healthy. Contrary to what some might infer from reading my thoughts, I am not sad or depressed. Quite the contrary! I am joyful because I am finally grasping the meaning of grace--and my own depravity.
I have been striving lately. I am striving to be more like Christ. I am striving to love my neighbor as myself. (This is a huge task since most days I love myself A LOT!) I am striving to be a better wife. I am striving to be a terrific Mommy. I am striving to make a difference through various ministries in our community. I am striving to use the resources and talents God has entrusted me with to honor Him and further His kingdom. I am not trying to earn my way into heaven. I know my name is in the book. I want to make Him proud.
I am trying to discern from Scripture what the balance is though. I know Jesus said Mary did the best thing, by getting out of the kitchen and sitting at His feet. I also know He commands us to be good stewards, to make the most of every opportunity, to love and serve others.
Tonight at Bible Study (Fruit of the Spirit, Beth Moore) something clicked for me, a simple truth I have missed in my 20 years of being a Follower of Christ. I long to possess the qualities described in Galatians 5, the fruit of the Spirit. I have been striving to BE more patient, to BE more self-controlled, to BE more loving. The truth is, it is not about my striving to BE any of those things. I need God. As He permeates my being and controls my heart, the FRUIT of His Spirit will be all those things I never can be.
If I strive this week, I pray that it will be for Christ...nothing more, nothing less.
15 comments:
Hi J,
Maybe because I am more like you I understand your blogs. I went to christian school and college and never really did anything majorly wrong, but I do know that I am not perfect and that I need God to help me in my weaknesses. I find your blogs to be a companion for my journey as well.
-M
what profound truth that is, and what a great reminder that it is always God IN us displaying HIS righteousness, nothing we can do on our own. Thank you for this post!
Sarah
It is always a delight to come to your page and read your blogs. Sad or depressed is not a word that I associate with you. I always ponder the tone of my own posts and hope to not send the wrong message. I think it is wonderful that you open your heart and share your truth with us. It is such a relief to see you handle the same challenges that I face with such grace, and with such a commitment to the Lord. I admire you a whole lot as a Woman, A Wife, and most of all...a Mommy. Keep it coming!
I didn't take it as sad or depressed either. This was a great post! So true that anything good in us is because of Him. I love your heart!
I have been reading your blog for several weeks now and I never thought you were depressed. Todays post is wonderful and kind of neat to see the fruits of the spirit as this was something I posted about this morning.
Blessings
I found your blog a few weeks ago and have been following the delightful stories of your children. I also appreciate the honesty with which you write about your struggles and your wish to honor and respect your husband. Thank you for the inspiration!
Loved this.
I don't ever think at all that you are depressed or unhappy ... what I get from reading your posts are honesty, which is the reason I come back daily.
You love on your sweet children and you are always posting about looking for God in all situations, good and bad. You admit you blow it sometimes which is comforting to so many of us out here. I couldn't be less interested in someone who portrays their life with little ones is a cake-walk. It's tough, but it's also the most joyous, rewarding job ever. The absolute best. You show me that in every post. I can so relate. So keep pointing us to Christ. I know I'll get that when I visit you.
Thank you for writing the words that I have not been able to! God is doing a BIG work of restoration! Like Paul, My prayer is that we press on!~Blessings, Amy
I see Him at work in you so clearly through all you write.
I love this post and especially that last paragraph.
And I can definitely see the fruits of the spirit in you through your experiences you write about here. Thanks for being a great example :)
God is teaching me similar lessons. So, in answer to your question, no, you do not seem depressed or overly critical of yourself. You sound just like me. And, I bet most of the other readers of your blog would agree. Thanks for being so transparent. We are all in the same boat, sweet friend!!
I am a friend of a friend of yours and came across your blog today! :) I was reading a few of your posts and I do not think that you sound depressed at all! Or too critical or anything negative!!! Your blog is very refreshing to me!!! I have been going through Beth Moore's Living Beyond Yourself (a study on the fruits of the spirit, but I don't know if it's the same one)!!! :) I am not the same as you in my structure (only in my dreams), but I have recently gotten a little more structured and have started adding more "things" to my schedule! Mostly just keeping up a routine with the daily chores and stuff, but I commend you for your posts!!! I find people who are honest and open to be genuine and warm and real!!! That is the tone that I have gleaned from your blog!!! :) Thank you!
I have actually loved the honesty in your recent posts. I think it is so common to not want to "beat ourselves up", that there is little lament over sin. There is a quick pang of conviction, and then moving on. I think God is glorified as we lament over our disobedience. Not holding on to the guilt, but looking to Christ. Finding ourselves at the throne of grace because we understand (at least in part) our sin and utter need for our Savior. It makes us fall in love with Him and what He has done on our behalf and who He is and the Gospel over and over again. My posts probably sound depressing to many at times, too. But grasping His grace and my sin is both beautiful and painful at times. I love what you said at the end of your post, it is not about striving to be, just needing God. Thanks for the post and for pointing me to Jesus!
Loved your point about needing God. He will provide fruit in the measure we seek HIM! Loved it, loved it, loved it.
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