A Prayer of Release

A friend sent this to me recently and I have re-read it daily. I decided to record it here for easy access (and in case it blesses anybody else!) I tried to find a source, and it appears it was taken from a 30-year-old book called Prayer Portions by Sylvia Gunter.  What a reminder that through the decades humans have struggled with the same root desires! 

The person who texted it to me referred to it as a Declaration of Release. Even the title convicts me to loosen my grip in faith and trust. May we trust the Lord to keep that which we already committed Him at the time of their baptism/dedication! ("...I know whom I have believed, and am convinced that he is able to guard what I have entrusted to him until that day." 2 Timothy 1:12)

"Because Jesus Christ is my Lord, 

I free you from my anxiety, fears, and control.

I trust the Holy Spirit to lead you and show you the way that is right for you, the way of love, joy, peace, and all that salvation includes. 

I place you at God’s throne of grace. 

I cannot force my will on you. 

I cannot live your life for you. 

I give you to God the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. 

As much as I love you, God loves you more. 

Your life today is totally in His hands, and I trust Him with it. 

I release you from my expectations, I place you on open palms to the Lord. 

I give you my blessings. 

I let you go, in His love." 

It is God who works in you to will and to act according to His good purpose. Being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it to completion until the day of Christ Jesus (Phi 2:13, 1:6).

Reorienting

As Instagram became a more popular app, my longer-form blogging here suddenly became micro-blogging there. This busy Mama rejoiced as Chatbooks allowed my memories to be automatically printed, bound, and shipped each time I reach 60 posts--and in the short term my 'documenting family life for posterity' box was checked. 

Now that my children are old enough to drive and handle more of their own daily responsibilities, I am catching my breath. In doing so I have started to realize the gaps of the quick 'insta' posting. Much like a person who changes their diet from fast, cheap, and easy eating to slower, heartier, more nutritious meals, I am learning to digest. 

As my focus shifts away from instantly posting a thought to the world and towards more thoughtful reflection (and because there isn't always a snazzy photo to accompany the things God is really teaching me) I am interested in wading back into these blogging waters. We shall see if it sticks!

A quick list of recent reads and listens that are most influencing my reflection right now:

1. The Wisdom Pyramid by Brett McCracken:  I started this in November and have been slowly working my way through because it demands digestion. His words are clear and wise--and countercultural. If you are sometimes an audible listening, this is one I recommend you get a hard copy to mark up. So many solid points. I cannot recommend it enough.

2. I removed the Instagram app icon from my phone. I still have the application and check it a few times a day--but I learned by doing this with Facebook and Twitter a couple of years ago how drastically it reduces your lost time to simply make yourself have to type the app name instead of a simple click. That couple of seconds it takes to type the name are often all I need to pause and ask myself if there's a better use of my time. I am not anti-social media--I just want to keep it in its proper place and I had gotten out of balance. Turns out, guardrails are my friend! The time I spend mindlessly scrolling the app have been drastically reduced.

And can I admit something? It turns out I like people in my real life much better than online images--real face-to-face conversations and phone calls make me feel far more connected and known than glimpses into curated highlights ever did. 

Also, the algorithms had gotten VERY good at spotting my taste. I am certain reducing those direct ads has saved me money! ;-)

 

3. Memorizing Romans 12. I confess I haven't worked on Scripture memory in a very long time. Slowly working through a passage one verse at a time has filled my mind with new perspective. So many phrases floating around my head, straight from Scripture that come to mind throughout my daily life. Always a good thing.

4. My small group read and discussed Jeannie Cunnion's Don't Miss Out in the Fall and plans to dive into Never Alone (also by Jeannie) next. Both of these resources have been excellent reminders that it is not up to me to control every outcome. 

I am truly learning how to reorient my achiever, checklist, efficiency mindset to be more focused on trusting the work of the Lord and joining Him where He is. I am significant, but He is sovereign. 

The tendency here at the end of the "parenting them under your roof" phase can be frenetic--like contestants on a cooking show dashing against the clock to throw on garnishes. You can only do so much to cover. I do not want that to be the focus of our last 18 months together--and for my personality type, that means constantly dying to my tendencies.

As I heard Jeannie say on the Raising Boys and Girls podcast: "Lay down what God hasn't asked you to carry so you can thrive in what He has."

So, here it is, a public proclamation that I am trying. ;-)

Notes from the Field: Freshman Fall

Our family survived the first 9 weeks of high school and I confess it is so much more fun than I imagined! Each of my freshmen dived in head first in different ways.

Parker is thrilled to have robotics on his class schedule and Mario Smash Brothers as a club. His inaugural year as the school mascot has proven to be a great fit for him, even though prolonged Summer-into-Fall heat made the job a sweaty one. An introvert with a penchant for silliness is quite happy letting loose behind the anonymity of a mask!

Ryland is thriving as the JV football kicker (with occasional Varsity showings), a soccer club and stagecraft/set design as his arts elective. Last month he located his long-desired pickup truck and loves being an enthusiastic inviter to Young Life functions.

Kate just wrapped up a cross country season which entailed running 6-7 miles a day (often before the sun comes up), setting new personal records as a result of that hard work and making it to the state meet! As Winter approaches she will dip back into music a bit more with guitar lessons and performing with the upper school's female a capella singing group.

All three have now had the sometimes bumpy experiences of asking and being asked to the Homecoming dance, learning to organize/make social plans, figuring out how to maintain their studies and keep their personal faith/church involvement a priority amidst this active social life!

AND we've still been driving, driving, driving.

It has been a whirlwind--but I only get to ride this train once so I am here for it!

Lest this sound too much like a bragging Christmas letter, I offer the reminder that we live real lives with challenges and struggles. While not wanting to "air the dirty laundry," of my growing young adults, the metaphor of laundry has been in the front of my mind the last few weeks.

Because we live only three miles from our school, I frequently pick my children up in stages as they finish up their afternoon activities.  While some would argue it teaches them character to sit and wait for me to make one trip, I am grateful for the private, distraction-free conversation time with each of my people. (In-town car rides are phone-free for passengers in our family.)

The way they toss their backpack in the car and settle into their seats is often a barometer for the type of day my teens have experienced. I brace myself for whatever may come as our car becomes a confessional for 15-year-olds in their rawest, exhausted state.

Some days my questions about their day are met with shrugs and indifference, but other days my passengers start shedding their emotional baggage even before they've taken off their backpacks. I have read countless books and articles. I know to listen more than I speak. I (mostly) don't freak out. I strive to be their safe place.

There is something intimate about the car, so we often linger in the driveway to complete a story before they go inside.

Once they leave the car it is time for food, relaxation, and homework...and I am left to sort through the dirty laundry of emotions, stories, and worries they seem to have deposited in my passenger seat.

Most days I head back out for the next pick up in short order, so the metaphorical laundry gets shelved to make room for the next teen's dropoff. By the end of the afternoon my heart has quite a pile to pray over: Hurt feelings, misconceptions, mean comments, unrequited crushes, rumors, academic stress, perceived slights.

And here's what the first nine weeks of high school drama have taught me: I am frequently spending more time evaluating, studying and ruminating in this stuff than my kids are. They drop it off with me, a safe place, and move on. I realized I was sometimes still rolling around in the mound of stinky teenage feelings a day or two later. They had long since moved on.

Ninety-eight percent of the afterschool verbal dumps aren't terrible stains requiring treatment. They are merely the equivalent of clothing that had been through a normal day and just needed a good wash and dry to be ready for their next wear. This is the point where I really appreciate the dirty laundry metaphor. Why was I rolling around in piles of stinky clothes that simply needed to be put through a good wash cycle?

This realization has really helped me recognize my place in this teen process. I am to listen, to love, to pray, to coach (wash, rinse) and then repeat. Our home is the emotional structure built over the last 16 years--safe, loving, peaceful, restorative--and now we do the daily work.

Dr. Lisa D'Amour, an author I enjoy, calls it dumping their emotional trash. I love her reminder that "even the sturdiest of adolescents would sag under the weight of their feelings if they couldn’t toss some of them into handy and dependable receptacles. .. the gift that so many parents give their teenagers all year round: the willingness to accept, and find a way to dispose of, the inevitable debris that comes with growing up." 

All of this is not to say the much bigger issues will not come. This is real life. But for now, I am learning not to major in the minors and to keep that emotional laundry cycle moving.

Life Skills List for Young Adults

Last week over lunch my husband and I realized we were almost exactly 200 weeks from our triplets' high school graduation. To cope with the panic we felt at all the life skills they needed to know before we launched them into the world we started making a list. 

Because social media at its best is a quick way to crowdsource ideas, I posted on Instagram, Twitter and Facebook asking for suggestions. 

The list that follows is by no means exhaustive--and absolutely will need to be tailored according to life circumstances--but in case it helps, I am sharing the list we developed. 

In the last week, I realized that simply being intentional about inviting my kids into the work I was already doing crossed many things off the list. (Other things are going to require me to develop some proficiency before I attempt to teach ;-)

I received excellent comments that covered the spiritual, emotional and character traits we also hope to develop but didn't feel they fit within the framework of practical checklist type skills/conversation topics I was considering for this particular list.

Hope this inspires your own thoughts, conversations and lessons!

Note: The formatting of this was a challenge for me so I used screen shots to capture all in one place. Maybe I should add this as a life skill ;-) The link to to the google doc is a better option for a clean, formatted and up-to-date list. 

Parenting with Faith Over Fear

Yesterday the courts made official what we had been anticipating. After a year, our 4-year-old foster daughter was reunified with her biological parents. There will be another post about that...but as I was having coffee in a quiet early morning house today I read a post by Preston Yancey and felt a sweet reminder of how God is working so many things together for good in my heart and family right now. 


Preston's post has a different point than mine, but in the beginning, he shares a story about times in his life when fear and shame have been attempted as motivators, but what won out was encouragement and faith. Specifically, God powerfully used an obscure verse in Habakkuk to plant a future hope in him when he was 13 years old.

"Look at the nations and watch-- and be utterly amazed. For I am going to do something in your days that you would not believe, even if you were told." Habakkuk 1:5 NIV

I have been tempted to worry about the child who has left our home. Her safety and overall development have been my concern for the last year--and now I will hopefully get an occasional visit. I pray hard against recurrences of the issues that led to her removal. I field questions from well-intentioned friends about what the 'what ifs.'

Meanwhile, I am sending three young teenagers into the world at warp speed. My Summer is a mixture of camp drop-offs--where they are out of my sights for 1-3 weeks at a time, preparing for the brand new world of high school, and teaching them the immense responsibility of driving on real roads with other human beings. 

Last week I started compiling a list of life survival/adulting skills my husband and I have yet to cover and I am almost at 200--the same number of weeks we have left with them before high school graduation. In all of these things, there are true safety considerations. They are still minors and my job is to teach them to live outside the nest...but as they become increasingly independent I find myself fighting daily fears of what could happen if things don't go well.

I want them to fly, not flop. While I know that scars and hard knocks are powerfully used to sanctify and develop us into adults who are used by the Lord, I adore these people and frankly, would prefer they arrive at adulthood as innocent and intact as possible.

So, the temptation is to desperately warn them about ALL THE THINGS. Be on guard!  The verse from Habakkuk this morning, however, took me back to being their age. I am reminded that I was never attracted to the fear-mongerers. I wanted to hear from the people who believed in me and spoke to me about the bright hope of the future. I think even of our most recent foster, at least once a week at prayer time she would point to the large painting of Jeremiah 29:11 over her bed and say, "Just pray that tonight, Mama." We all want to reassurance that there is a plan, maintained by someone stronger and wiser than us, for future hope.

Perhaps the most powerful lesson God has impressed upon me in our 4 years of foster parenting is that even our biological children are entrusted to us but for a little while. We stood before our congregation and proclaimed many years ago our belief that they are His. We build all sorts of safety nets, invest in future dreams and give them everything we have--but ultimately, we are not in control of their future. We can either be terrified by this or exhilarated.

May we never let our parental fears drown out our overwhelming hope we have for the life God has planned for the people we love. This is challenging. It requires us to loosen our white-knuckled grip and release them to their loving Creator. It is a daily laying down of our will for His. We must put this phrase on repeat: Faith triumphs fear. 

We want the people we love to be safe and dare I even say wildly successful, but at some point we have to ask ourselves how success will be measured. As for me, I choose God's utterly amazing story. 

"Look at the nations and watch-- and be utterly amazed. For I am going to do something in your days that you would not believe, even if you were told." 

Half Baked Turkeys // A Middle School Mom Manifesto

Several years ago we were facing a big decision regarding schools. Our three children were at a wonderful Montessori school, but one of them was in great need of more structure. Because I didn't want to be on two separate calendars with three same-aged children, we decided to enroll the entire trio in a new school for Kindergarten.

A beloved, talented (sometimes serious and stern) teacher called me in to discuss our decision. She implored me to consider leaving them at the school for one more year, as Montessori follows a three year cycle and our children were only finishing primary year two. I explained my reasoning to her in great detail. She shook her head disapprovingly and lobbed a metaphor at me that keeps reappearing in my parenting journey.

"Imagine you invited me over for Thanksgiving lunch, but I arrived an hour early and demanded to eat the turkey right then. How would you feel? You would insist it wasn't ready yet. A half-baked turkey isn't ready to be served and is not a fair indicator of the final product had the recipe been followed."

The metaphor was powerful, but almost a decade later I giggle at her insinuation that a 5 year old would be remotely close to "finished."

My heart is currently in a trying season with three middle school students. As their 14th birthday approaches, I hear the clock ticking toward the time when we will launch them into the world. I am tempted to panic at how some current weaknesses might play out in adulthood. I honestly have never sought to produce perfect children, but I can fall into a worry cycle about temptations and challenges that may lead to particularly painful consequences later in life.

There is real tension between how often/to what severity I allow them to fail and how frequently/to what degree I intervene with corrective coaching and protectiveness. It is further complicated by the fact that each child, while the same age, is so different. There is no blanket answer.

And, oh the temptation to look around at other parents' turkeys-in-progress and compare!

I read a great post earlier this week that reminded me our children are MEANT to be unfinished--it is the very nature of childhood. Furthermore, as a Christian, I am reminded through my own daily journey that I am still quite unfinished at 43. This life is a refining process.

So, parents, how shall we cope as we mind the kitchens where all these young turkeys are roasting?

1. Pray.  Pray that fear will not be your motivator.  Ask God to give you peace, clarity, and wisdom to sift through the small stuff and focus on their hearts. I am really enjoying this resource from Jodi Berndt, chock full of Bible verses written as fill-in-the-blank prayers for specific issues my kids are facing. By seeking to look at all through the lens of Scripture, my heart is being refocused on what surface issues to let go.

2. Seek wisdom. In this information age, there is an abundance of excellent child and adolescent development information in the form of podcasts and books. I am particularly fond of these two recent reads: Are My Kids on Track?  and Untangled. Both offer needed and informed perspective on the growth going on in our kids and why each phase is necessary. Next on my list: Boys Adrift and Like Dew Your Youth.

In addition to the topical resources, it is important to stay rooted in the Word. God's promises are timeless, full of hope and also serve as reminders that imperfect, half-baked people have always been used by the Lord to accomplish His Will.

3. Encourage. Being a Mom of adolescents can be so lonely. Our image-conscious society makes it difficult (and often inappropriate) to broadcast the challenges our growing children are really facing. Growing up is messy. No one's kids are as perfect as they may appear. Everyone is fighting some sort of battle. The least we can do as parents is treat each other with kindness. Look for opportunities to chat with other parents--let down your guard a little. Offer encouragement. Let's stop judging each other's kitchen while meal prep is still in progress and definitely stop comparing each other's half-baked turkeys.

4. Breathe.  This is a journey. Take a long view and pace yourself. Riding the waves of every high and low is exhausting and non-productive. You aren't perfect and your kids won't be either--but there is a purpose in their lives and yours...not just 'one day' but NOW. Cling to faith and trust God to guide you and your children.

Don't get so 'project focused' you lose personhood--theirs or yours.

And, importantly, don't forget to laugh and enjoy this crazy ride. (Oh, the stories I will one day be able to tell...)

PS. I wrote this as not as one who claims to have it all figured out, but rather as a mini-sermon to myself because I have to refocus constantly!

When You Can't "Handle It"

In the last several weeks I have learned a lot about "handling hard things."

Adding a precious, precocious four year old to our family last month was a step of obedience.  For the first time in a long time my compassionate desire to save the world was trumped by the reality of the load we were already carrying--the knowing that we could not handle one more plate--and after a fitful night of wrestling with God, the knowledge that He told us to do it anyway.

I clutched my long held belief that "God won't give more than we can handle" and even quoted a translation of 1 Corinthians 10:13 that backed me up. " All you need to remember is that God will never let you down; He’ll never let you be pushed past your limit; He’ll always be there to help you come through it."

It got a lot of likes on facebook and one wise old friend posted a dissenting opinion and linked to another writer's blog... "I actually have come to believe that God intentionally pushes us past our limits because He knows that is usually what it takes to get us to turn to Him."

I was not sure what to think about this challenge to a deeply ingrained truth--a battle cry for weary hearts...the "You can do this!" we shout to encourage each other along the road.

Yesterday morning, after processing some new and complex curve balls we have been thrown, I had a thought--what if we have our focus all wrong. Who said "handling it." was ever even the point?

I am not aware of a single place in Scripture (feel free to correct me as I am not a Biblical scholar) when God said to any of His followers "Handle it." What I am aware of are many other directives from God:
"Fear Not."
"Trust"
"Listen"
"Repent."
"Hear."
"Do."
"Obey."
"Follow"
"Love."
"Believe."
"Worship."

 No where does God say, "Handle it."

The belief that we can handle anything is actually a insidious form of pride. I am coming to believe there are many things God has no desire for us to handle--He is calling us to let go of our fierce belief in our own abilities and trust Him for the outcome.

Honestly, in a different season of my life I would view this as cowardice, quitting or laziness--but in this season I am learning it is a call to courage to release the grip and let my Almighty Father "handle it."

The focus of the quoted verse should be on the fact that God won't let us down...not that we have never-ending limits. It is a slippery slope.

The last six weeks have been very challenging. Parenting six children under twelve has radically changed the spirit of our family. Once intentional and quality time focused, there are many days now where we truly are just "managing" instead. Our love for spontaneity has been reigned in by the demand for routine.

There are so many hearts and so little time.. I have incredible support--honestly, I am blown away by the people God has put in our lives who are the quiet, humble servants that show up and lighten the load over and over again. But one thing has been clear: We aren't "handling" anything.

"He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 2 Corinthians 12:9 NIV 

The Message translation of this is the cry of my humbled, cannot-handle-it heart:
"Satan’s angel did his best to get me down; what he in fact did was push me to my knees. No danger then of walking around high and mighty! At first I didn’t think of it as a gift, and begged God to remove it. Three times I did that, and then he told me, My grace is enough; it’s all you need. My strength comes into its own in your weakness. Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ’s strength moving in on my weakness. Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size—abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks. I just let Christ take over! And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become."

I didn't understand it until I walked it, but there is unbelievable freedom in having nothing to stand on but your faith. Every time I think I know what direction God has all this heading, the route takes an unexpected hard right turn. The control freak in me was forced out of town and what remains is new version of myself I am just getting to know.

If I could just tell you the stories of the humiliation I have experienced with severe public meltdowns, dropped balls, forgotten tasks, missed deadlines, behavior from children that defies all the books and training, people constantly in and out of my many-dirty-dishes-in-the-sink chaos, a calendar that is absolutely in pencil...

I feel like a dishrag who has had every ounce of my pride wrung out. And guess what? I've never felt this humbled, this light, this sure God was leading--or this free.

Fear Not!

During my pregnancy with the triplets, I realized that my coping mechanism for difficult circumstances is information. For most of the first 30 years of my life up to that point I had coped with hard times by assuming control. As I lay in a hospital bed for 8 weeks with three souls in tiny bodies growing in my womb I knew I was unable to manage the outcome.

So, I dug in. The Internet was not nearly as accessible in those days. There were no iphones or ipads to be lightly held in hands. The Northside Hospital High Risk Perinatal Unit had only one laptop attached to a rolling media cart. It had to be reserved for small increments of time so 30 bedridden Mamas could have the opportunity to use it--and it connected to the Internet via dial up.

Despite all those obstacles, I tried to read as much as I could about preemie issues and possible outcomes for my pre-term babies. I knew it wouldn't change anything, except it made me feel like at least no news that came to me would be a surprise. Research allowed me to feel moderately knowledgeable and thereby prepared.

Of course, none of those websites, articles, etc. mentioned the real crisis I was facing--my own heart failure. (Touche, God, touche...)

You would think that experience plus the ensuing eleven and a half years of parenting would have taught me a lesson--and in many ways the layers have indeed been chipped away through life experience. Yet, this morning I read a post about Linus and his blanket in Charlie Brown Christmas, that God used to carve another chunk of my heart.

The faith of Christmas is proclaiming "Fear Not!" and dropping the blanket.



I took a quiet moment to really go back through the Christmas story and as I sipped my coffee. I really tried to put myself in the shoes of the characters the angels appeared to...the shepherd called to leave the comfort of his fields, Joseph risking public ridicule and Mary...oh, sweet, young Mary...her body, life and soul were to be transformed. She was along for the ride.

I am in an interesting place with the uncertainty and discomfort of foster parenting this week. My heart needed to ponder Mary. I feel inadequate, scared and tired--along for the ride on a journey someone else marked out for me. This is not my comfort zone. Yesterday I pleaded with God to bring me back some joy.

My community rocks. I am truly blessed beyond measure in terms of the support we have been given in this season of life. I can't even list the ways people have stepped up and leaned in to relieve some of the burden in the last few weeks--to make space for me and my bio family to just breathe--while bringing joy to these little girls who are also out of their element. But, honestly, community can't take the load our hearts carry of emotional exhaustion, guilt, fear and dread. Only God can do that--and I think He needs me to let go of the metaphorical blanket I am clutching in order to let Him.

As my girls walk into a different chapter of their lives, I need to model faith, hope and confidence to them. I am realizing that through the 'loss' of my family as I knew it, I am able to empathize with some of their feelings.

My blanket--aptly categorized as a 'security' item--has been my family, order, a peaceful home, having a timeline and a plan.  Sharing all of that has been precious, growth producing and simultaneously scary and unsettling at times...but God has been faithful over and over again to remind me that He Sees and He Provides and He holds the future in His hands.

1 Corinthians 10 (Message translation) reminds me: 
"Forget self confidence: it's useless. Cultivate God confidence...All you need to remember is that God will never let you down; he'll never let you be pushed past your limit; he'll always be there to help you come through it."

As we march (limp?) towards the finish line of 2015 and head into the wild blue yonder of another year, I join Linus in proclaiming with open heart, head held high and hands free from clutching my own illusions of security  "Fear not!"

It is Well

This week we celebrate the two month mark of fostering our little girls. I still do not have a neat, tidy answer for how it is going--and am beginning to accept I may never have one. I am truly in love with these girls, but tired mentally, physically & emotionally--but probably not much more than any other Mom of five in the Summer :-)

When the shine wears off and the hospitality phase begins to fade, real family life is what remains.

This means structure. 

Boring rainy afternoons.

Inside jokes. 

Nagging about things like unmade beds, shoes strewn about & table manners.
Squabbles over who sits where in the car and which child gets to use the ipad/bring in the mail/sit next to me at the table.
Disciplinary eyeball to eyeball talks in the aisles of the grocery store.

The house is noisier & messier. There are more kids to hug, increased laundry and more sibling rivalry. My family room floor now has errant Barbie shoes and little flip flops mixed in with the wii remotes and Beyblades.

Really normal family stuff.

Taken before our date night a couple of weeks ago...an accurate representation of our new level of crazy :)

After a bumpy couple of weeks of reintegrating my big kids after their time away at camp, we are finding a new rhythm. Now there is bonding...the kind that extends beyond a long term house guest and into something deeper.

One calls us Mom & Dad. The other one does so sporadically but with increased regularity. When it happens in public places, I try to avoid the faces of adults who know us. Some tear up. Some wince. Some look shocked. Others just roll with it as if it were one of my bio kids. Depending on the moment, my heart matches each of those facial expressions.

Thinking about the end of this chapter together is the scariest part of being a foster parent. When will they leave? Where will they go? How much is that going to hurt?

Fear over this chapter is the reason so many people give for not fostering. I get it. I am not a heartless machine. I am not impervious to this fear. I just believe the risk of heartbreak for our family is worth providing for the needs of these children. People invite pets into their lives knowing they will bid them goodbye. The love and bonding and shared life in between carries the certainty of heartbreak, but they decide it is worth it.
 
Bonding is not to be feared-- for kids from broken, difficult and tumultuous, backgrounds, healthy relationships are, in fact, the point.

I am writing all this because in the last 24 hours, I have started to feel some overwhelm over the reality that these children who I feed, clothe, pray for, rock, hold & kiss goodnight, will ultimately leave. I am beginning to get flashes and pangs that foreshadow the emptiness they will leave behind in our home...and I am fighting to push it away.

The end date and circumstances remain unclear. And as a person who begins with the end in mind so often in life, I have learned I simply cannot operate this way with fostering. I must simply live and love TODAY--what do these little heart need NOW-- and let God worry about the rest. 

This means wrapping them up in my arms and showering them in kisses because they are little girls who long to be loved and accepted. It also means as I become more confident they understand the house 'rules,' I must consistently enforce them. I am not just "fostering," I am mother-ing. 

The initial phase of loving, welcoming, bonding and letting things go was more fun...but I am aware that if these girls are going to break the cycle that led them here they need Jesus and a lesson in consequences. So there is a lot more time on my knees at their eye level--reinforcing rules, explaining expectations, and emphasizing both my love for them and my desire to keep them safe. 

This phase of parenting was difficult when my bio kids were younger predominantly because of the pride & fear I had tied up in the outcomes. Of course I wanted to keep K,P & R safe--but I also wanted to be a "good mother." Mindful that (God willing) we are given almost 2 decades with them before they graduate and move on to more independent living I could pace myself.

With the girls I know I won't be the one to complete this process with them. I don't have the privilege of years to build and grow. We pick up pieces of the first 7-8 years of their lives, start from there, invest without knowing how long we have, whether we will ever see any fruit and/or to whom we will pass the baton of stewarding and loving these hearts. It may be weeks or months...but we just don't know. (Serious character work for a person like me!)

As a result, there are a lot of things I must let go in order to emphasize the most important things--life skills that will serve them well wherever they wind up...respectfulness, honesty, safety, education, nutrition. Giggles, adventures, bedtime routines and normal childhood activities sprinkled on top. 

There is no checklist or magic wand. It is just day-by-day seeking wisdom, patience and love from God to pass back into all five of the little hearts in this home...and seeking to stay united in mission with the big one to whom I said "I do."

I am trying to keep my heart marching to this simple beat:
Love.
Trust.
Repeat.

None of us know what tomorrow brings. We must simply do what God has put before us today.

My new favorite song to sing at church is from Bethel Music and has this refrain:

"Far be it from me to not believe
Even when my eyes can't see
And this mountain that's in front of me
Will be thrown into the midst of the sea
Through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You
Through it all, through it all
It is well
So let go my soul and trust in Him
The waves and wind still know His name
It is well with my soul."

May it be so...

But what about...

Five years ago this Spring, after a brutal battle with metastatic melanoma, my friend Sweeney died. He was a bright star, full of life, doing meaningful work. To see his life on Earth end at the age of 35 rocked a lot of worlds in my circle.

Sweeney left behind a wife, Cabell, who is one of my most treasured friends.They had a beautiful marriage, a shared passion for ministry and a crazy awesome gift for loving people. As we dealt with the shock of Sweeney's terminal diagnosis and the disappointment that it did not appear God planned to heal him on this Earth, the focus of our fear and concern turned to Cabell.

They had been married 12 years, moved to our town (without any family nearby) because of a call to launch a Young Life ministry here and had not yet had children. As Cabell fought with Sweeney against the monster of cancer, her friends mourned for her too. Sweeney would go to heaven with Jesus, but she would remain here to deal with the loss of her best friend and mate, the death of her fairy tale and an uncertain future.

As my friends & I prayed in those days I asked God, "What about Cabell?" She was a faithful servant. She trusted God with her future. We boldly prayed for a Job-like turnaround for her life. We asked God to heal her heart, bring her another amazing husband and give her the gift of children. This was the picture of redemption we all had for her life. That He would "restore the years the locusts had eaten" with another fairy tale.

That was 2010.

Years have ticked by, a 40th birthday passed and no husband or babies have come. And, yet, we have all been witnesses to unbelievable life, growth, hope and redemption in Cabell's life. In her grief she dug deeper into God's Word. In her sorrow she turned out instead of in--constantly opening her home to opportunities for meaningful hospitality. She may not have been given a husband but she has a huge extended family that loves her fiercely. And the love that has been poured into her has overflowed onto countless others.

I have been blessed to witness the unfolding of her story one faithful, obedient step at a time. As life goes, we can sometimes miss the full, cumulative glory of a story this way...like noticing the growth of your own children that you see daily as opposed to observing it in someone else's from a distance.

Recently, however, a moment happened that demanded that I pause and build a metaphorical altar to the faithfulness of God. This is a story that has become a part of my faith life. I wanted to write this so I (or my children) do not forget.

Saturday, Cabell took the stage at Young Life's Sharptop Cove as the camp speaker, the same stage where Sweeney shared the Gospel while suffering from terminal cancer. He was baptized in the lake there, and it is the final resting place of his ashes. From that stage, Cabell delivered a message of hope despite circumstances to a packed house of over 600 people.

As I sat in that place amidst a group of hundreds of silent, attentive teenagers listening to her share, I was overwhelmed with the echoes of my question to God during the hard days, "What about Cabell?"

I couldn't help but be struck by how my love and concern for my friend's future somehow translated into a distrust of the plan her Creator, Father, Redeemer had for her life all along.

Yet, through her faithfulness, God is using her and her story in mighty ways. So far that hasn't included a husband and babies, but Sunday morning it included 100 high school kids receiving Bibles for the first time--at their request. Their question wasn't "What about Cabell?" it was, what can you tell me about her God?

This experience left a lesson resonating in my soul because, honestly, I have a handful of people I am asking God not to forget about right now...

God, what about the Mama I know whose husband is currently battling a life threatening illness? Lord, what about the mentally ill Mama I know who is fighting hard to hang on? Lord, what about that toddler I know whose Mama is an addict? Jesus, what about that single friend of mine who longs desperately to be a wife? God, what about that friend whose husband just lost his job and faces an uncertain future? (I could go on and on.)

In all of it I hear God say, "I love them so much more than you do. I have plans you couldn't even begin to imagine. I specialize in redemption, resurrection, beauty from ashes. Trust me. I got this."

It brought to mind my daughter's new approach to Christmas. This year rather than laundry list wishes to Santa she asked instead that he surprise her. When I pressed her to see if she was sure she replied confidently, "Yes, he always gives things I love and wouldn't have even thought to ask for."

And so it is with our God. He knows us better than we know ourselves, has an eternal perspective rather than a circumstantial one and loves us beyond our comprehension. He is worthy of our trust.

I realize I have been asking the wrong question all along. Instead of "What about these circumstances?" I should have been asking, "What about our incredible God?"

Who's On Your Boat?

I have been offline for a bit due to an amazing opportunity Ryland & I had to serve as hosts for a marriage sailing adventure in the British Virgin Islands. A year and a half ago when we took our first journey with Winshape Marriage we had no idea it would lead to this. I am grateful! 

Prior to last week, I had never been on a catamaran--and yet, ten of us lived onboard one for seven nights. As hosts, our role involved serving guests via meal preparation and dishwashing duty in the tight quarters of a "two booty kitchen." (Quite an adventure some days on rough seas and with a limited water supply)

 

 You certainly won't find me complaining about the chance to 'serve' with this view!

Our days were filled with adventure and our evenings included small group discussion from The Art of Marriage.  We were urged to completely unplug and spend the time we would normally be tethered to devices and distracted by the pull of daily life to invest in each other.  We snorkeled, sea kayaked, swam, hiked, lounged, laughed and took life at a slow pace. 

It was the most refreshing week of my life. 

(This pic just makes me giggle. Rebecca, on the end, sacrificed her hubby/our boat captain to photographer duties.)

And the time with this fella was life giving.

The study materials were full of reminders of foundational truth. My favorite was actually a quote from a woman whose marriage was in a desperate place. She gave up, turning to an affair and moving out before she felt a conviction that said, "Do you not think the God who raised Lazarus from the dead is capable of resurrecting your marriage?" Wow. I just know there are people who need to be reminded of that. This life can be hard, but we serve a BIG God. 

 Though we were there to serve, kitchen duty helped Ryland & me smoothe out some of our marriage's rough edges in working together as a team instead of our typical mode of 'divide and conquer.' Nothing like sequestration in the middle of an ocean with lots of witnesses in close quarters to make you work it out. :)

We truly had a great cloud of witnesses on our boat...dear friends from college and people we really do life with here in our town. Over 50 years of marriage and lots of shared history between us...a beautiful depiction of community and intertwined lives. As we lived 8 days in the close quarters of a 52 foot boat, I basked in the gratefulness of WHO God has put in our figurative life boat.

I realized that I've been intentional about who I parent with, work out with, study Scripture with, etc. Yet, who we 'do' marriage with seems to all too often happen by default. It really matters who we choose to give a voice into this most intimate part our lives. Will they be those who edify or those who invite us to pull away?   

I choose these people (and others like them).

Brave people who walk authentically,

Laugh a lot, 

Listen, 

Cheer each other on, 

Challenge us to live out the fullness of God's plan,

Pitch in without being asked,

Keep short accounts & 

Love well. 

The journey really is marked by the people with whom you travel. I am so grateful for the people on our boat...and especially this one.

And guess what? The kids were fine. They grew in our absence. They welcomed us home with open arms. And they are already benefitting from rested parents whose love tanks returned full and ready to overflow into their hearts.

Paris Part Two

Did I say 36 hours in Paris? Because it was actually only 29! So fast I thought at times we might be auditioning for The Amazing Race as we carted backpacks through parks and dashed down metro platforms to avoid missing a train. 

Nonetheless, we hit the major high points on our list and enjoyed ourselves in the process.

 

Being too young for coffee has definitely been a disadvantage for these little travellers. Mornings are groggy!

 Today's cafe stop for 'real' hot chocolate quickly perked them up.
Honestly, I cannot say enough good things about what troopers they have been this week--rolling with the punches, trying new things and really embracing the experience! (and mostly carrying their own stuff ;-)

Our first tour stop this morning was the Catacombs. I confess, my first impression of this activity was to be pretty creeped out. After all, it is a set of tunnels deep under Paris where remains of 6 million Parisian bodies were laid to rest in the 1800s. But after reading the Lonely Planet book about Paris and discussing our trip with a travel agent friend, my children were insistent. The tour was quite interesting--and this was a situation where I am glad we booked a guide and skipped the very lengthy line. 

After the Catacombs we went directly to the Notre Dame. It was a glorious Sunday and the line was very long. We decided our limited time was better spent exploring than standing in line, so we took a lap around the outside and admired the grounds and exterior along the River Seine without going in.

This walk allowed us to see the "Love Lock Bridge" and enjoy a true Parisian experience with the musical accompaniment of street performers.  

We ended this walk with a quirky little find our friend Jennifer, suggested to the kids...a pet/bird/flower market tucked along a small city street only a block away from Notre Dame. Of course, the kids asked to take home a bird or bunny. Can you imagine Customs' response?

 After this we had a cafe lunch before a short Metro ride to Luxembourg Gardens.

 It was a sunny, warm day so the park was very busy! We enjoyed some wooden sailboat racing around the pond.

 These boats are powered only by the wind and a long stick, so it really is a unique and fun activity!

The plan was to then watch a real French marionnette show in the gardens. We got there early, stood in line for a spot, and my children stared so longingly at the children running and laughing on the playground that we gave them a choice.


A French Marionette version of Pinocchio or stretching, climbing and enjoying other kids...guess what they chose?

Ryland & I kicked up our feet (backpack free) and enjoyed nutella crepes and passion fruit sorbet while they played. Everybody was happy!

In the "I wish I would have known" column: Admittance to the park is free, but you have to pay to use the playground AND you have to pay to use the toilet! (half a Euro each to potty)

We left the Garden with just enough time to spare to stop by the highly recommended Pierre Herme for macaroons. The line stretched down the block...and they did not disappoint. That made three stops for macaroons in 29 hours if anyone is counting! It's a good thing we've walked an average of 9 miles a day this week. (Seriously, my people are troopers!)

We took the RER train from Luxembourg back to Gare du Nord for the 5pm return train to London...resting our travel weary bones tonight for one last day tomorrow!

London Day Three

We started the day as cheesy tourists at Madame Tussaud's Wax Museum. I know... but we are traveling with a trio of fourth graders and they had a great time!

There are levels with rooms full of various celebrities and world leaders past & present. I could argue that the trio learned a bit about notable people due to their curiousity about who certain figures represented--but truthfully it was just silly fun.


There was a 4D movie experience and a 'historical' British ride at the end.

A TOTALLY touristy outing--and the children loved it.

It was very crowded. I wish I would have known that you really can't make it out of this place in under 90 minutes...and that's if you are flying through.

After this special request was crossed off the list, we took the tube to Waterloo where we happened upon the realfood market for lunch. (A high point for me.) It offered an impressive array of street vendors featuring fantastic ethnic foods.

I haven't yet had bangers & mash, ale or fish & chips but I've had excellent Indian, Thai and Chinese! The merger of cultures here has really had a positive impact on the cuisine.

After lunch we boarded a water taxi to Greenwich. The trip took about an hour, but was an interesting guided trip along the River Thames. The weather was pleasant & sunny so our walking feet enjoyed the rest.

The borough of Greenwich is known for the Royal Observatory, its incredible views of London and, of course, the prime meridian. 

Our children studied latitude & longitude in school this Fall, so we definitely qualified this as an educational side trip.

And here's my confession: I was bored by the museum aspects of this. I love art, history, stories about people and animals...but physics, clocks and angles? Not really my thing.  My husband, on the other hand, absolutely loved it! He could have spent all day there. Despite my lack of enthusiam, I really did learn some things. 

It is a steady 15 minute hike from the pier to the observatory, but it is through a charming little town and a nice park. The kids loved the chance to run!

We took the boat cruise back to the Tower of London Pier where we disembarked and took a long walk across the Tower Bridge to the South Bank. This area is a couple of miles of shops, restaurants, pubs and street perfromers along the River Thames. Great people watching!

We arrived at the highly recommended Burrough Market just in time to feed these tired and hungry children. The sights, sounds and smells were everything travel should be. 

Even our pickiest palate was able to find something yummy to eat. (And I may or may not have had a dessert larger than my hand.)

Reinvigorated by our supper, we walked across the London Millenium (aka the wibbly wobbly) Bridge. I had heard about its controversial opening, but thankfully had not seen the video footage until we were safely back in our flat.

I had a few other things planned that just didn't happen today. I am embracing the reality that flexibility is key to this actually being a family vacation where we can relax and enjoy each other instead of feeling tied down by an agenda. 

It was a fun day, where each of us had different highlights related to our own interests, but as I was flipping through the pictures on my phone tonight I realized my favorite moments were the ones that happened from place to place. 

The silliness on our long walks (that is sometimes hilarious or sweet and other times requires stern Mama intervention)...the games of rocks, paper, scissors that happen when you remove screens from the equation...and the moments when I would feel someone I love slide their hand into mine.

Wherever the location, these are the parts of family vacation that count...all the rest is just icing on top.