Friday, October 13, 2017

It's Hard to Write in the Middle of It

I have been thinking a lot about why I don't blog regularly anymore. It was such an important, therapeutic and life-giving part of my life for a decade--what changed?

I think the shift happened as my children aged. With computer access of their own, they started reading the blog--which means their friends could as well. As they have aged, the parenting issues I was wrestling with were no longer the universal ones like potty training, sleep and attachment--they were much more personal. As Kate, Ryland and Parker have advanced into adolescence with maturing thoughts, impressions and individual perspectives, the stories were no longer mine alone. The last thing an adolescent struggling with their place in the world needs is a Mama reporting their every awkward phase to the world.

Adding foster parenting to the mix meant an even more complex need for privacy and confidentiality. I am not one to tell only half the story, and most of the lessons God teaches me involve details that truly make them powerful. I am a natural born communicator with a strong desire to close loops and bring situations to a neat-ish conclusion.

It is a place of heart conflict for me. I don't ever want it to appear that I only publish or post the glossy stuff. It is not my heart's desire to have a lifestyle page that makes it seem we have it all together. I desperately want to shout from the rooftops--"Hey, Mamas in the middle, it's Ok. We are struggling with something similar over here. Nobody is normal. We all have our stuff. This is a PROCESS. Be encouraged. You are not alone!"

Then I remember times I have hurt people with my tongue--sharing things that were not mine to share. I want to help not hurt. So, like Mary, I have been in a season of "pondering in my heart" and meeting with people face-to-face to swap stories of my foibles, struggles and lessons from the trenches.

I have also aged. In my 40s I have found myself firmly in the thick of it with most of my roles--marriage, parenting, friendships, fostering...I am no longer a bright eyed and bushy tailed newbie, but I have lived long enough to know neat-ish conclusions are hard to come by. As a believer, I know there won't ever be a true end in this life--things aren't tidied up until Heaven.

So, I think I am ready to enter back in--not as someone who has the answers or the tidy bows, but as a scavenger picking up pieces of truth along the way, because there are SO MANY places where God shows up and drops morsels along the path that lead to Him.

Let's see where this goes...


Jennifer L. said...

I just wanted to say that I have always enjoyed reading your blog. Even as I clicked the link today, I thought to myself, "I hope there's a new post...they aren't frequent, but they're always quality." Though close to you in age, I am further behind you in girl is almost two. I love to hear wisdom of other mamas, and whatever (and whenever) you post, I look forward to reading it!

Jacquie Reed said...

I always look forward to your thoughtful entries. Maybe now your thoughts will be more reflective about where you find God or where God finds you - I look forward to seeing where God will lead you. Jacquie in Indiana

Melissa said...

As a mom of an (almost) teenager as well as an 8 and 4 year old I can fully relate to your predicament. I used to blog religiously as a way to document our days, post cute pictures and communicate with far flung friends and family. But those posts have dwindled as I wrestle with exactly what you mentioned. The stories aren't mine alone and I am fiercely protective of the things told to me in confidence so I don't lose the trust of my child(ren). On the other hand, I have one child who will sit in the floor with printed blog books from years past and thumb through each page with a smile. He loves to read them and I hate the thought he won't have as many as we move forward. So I still blog a little, but I keep quiet more often. Teenagers are a whole new ball game for us and I am holding this time sacred as we move to uncharted territory as I know you do too.
On another note, we are in the very beginning of the adoption process and I wanted to thank you for your honesty and transparency about your fostering experience. You have shed light on issues I wouldn't have thought of but always circle back to grace and hope. It is a gift...blessings.

LeighAnn said...

You are a person who makes her presence known and her absence felt. Thank you for sharing your life and God with us. God bless your family.

Denise Ross said...

Thank you for your posts, I always come away from reading them pondering, soul awakened to the good of Gods hands in each of our lives in every season. Yoir blog has substance and heart, truth and honesty within each one and with being in my 40's too, two grown children and a 12 year old I see where you're at. All I can say is whatever you decide, you've been a blessing to me. I love that technology has given us the gift of connecting through your blog, since I live in Australia. God bless you and yours 😊🙏

Gail said...

I always look forward to reading your posts...they make me pause and think and reflect. You certainly have been given the gift of written communication!