As my children get older, I am finding one of my challenges to be knowing when to get involved in their discipline and when to allow the teacher/coach/instructor to work it out. This is especially difficult in environments where I do not feel the responsible party is 'handling it.'
A couple of nights ago at gymnastics, I had the unfortunate experience of watching my boys being wild and unruly from a distance. The way our gym is set up is that the parents' observation area is at a great distance from the floor action. So, you can imagine how torn I was when I witnessed (from afar) my boys not obeying the instructor (repeatedly), jumping on her back playfully while she attempted to restore order, and generally 'blowing off pent up steam' after a long school day. I vacillated between my feelings of frustration at their overabundance of energy and consolation that 'boys will be boys.' The final straw was when I watched my R take a running start and push another boy with both hands-not once, but twice--while giggling maniacally. (He was just playing, but the boy was not playing back.)
I was shifting very uncomfortably from my seat. I tried desperately to get his attention without making a scene, but it was not going to happen. When he took off running with his arms outstretched for a third push I yelled R's name LOUDLY. He didn't hear me, but every other parent in the crowded spectator section did.
It is unheard of for a parent to march out onto the floor--but I really wanted to. Thankfully, the class was wrapping up. As the students processed over to the corner of the gym that parents are able to access, I caught his eye and said, "Calm down" firmly. He nodded with big 'busted' eyes before turning to tackle his brother.
As the instructor was going through her ceremonial stamping of hands and distributing Dum Dums to the participants, I leaned in and suggested she not give lollipops to my boys this time. I told her (with my sons listening) that we had discussed being more respectful on the way to class and I didn't think their behavior merited a lollipop. We would try again next week.
My boys erupted in angry, emotional howls of protest. I reminded them of our talk and their behavior. P pulled it together, but my always-passionate, candy-loving R was simply furious. What followed was a dramatic display in the form of a fit that rivaled some of his three year old tantrums. He was hungry, tired, angry and embarrassed--a bad combination. Other parents and children stopped to look on and his sweet (young, childless) instructor looked mortified. She had tears in her eyes as I assured her that I was the 'bad guy' not her.
Predictably,after all of their protests, my boys bounced back in under 3 minutes and we left chatting about something else. It was done. We moved on.
When we returned the next night for K's lesson the instructor seemed to look at me differently. I became a bit insecure that she disagreed with the way I handled the situation and thought I was 'mean.' Sure, it would have been far easier in the moment to have just let them have the Dum Dums, but that is not really the way I parent. The easy way out at this age can wreak havoc later. I choose to go ahead and fight some battles now.
As I came home and confessed to my husband how unsettling it was for that sweet teacher to think I was a mean Mama, he reminded me of how I misunderstood parenting choices before I had little ones of my own. It was a great reminder!
Courageous parenting often means doing what you think you need to do in a specific situation to address the needs of your people, even when it is difficult (or embarrassing) and regardless of what other people think.
Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.
Galatians 1:10 NIV
14 comments:
Funny, I have a couple of different thoughts on this subject.
First, I agree whole-heartedly their behavior didn't warrant a candy.
BUT, on the other hand, it is her class to control. I'm not certain that 6 (7?) year old boy should/could totally control his pent up energy after a day of school without parameters. It does not sound as though the instructor had the control she should. Perhaps what you read as her thinking you were "mean" was really her embarrassment of putting your boys in that situation in the first place.
I think you handled it in a way that addressed all of the offending parties. Well done.
And, yes, it's much easier to have firm boundaries now. Being a mom is so NOT a popularity contest!
Melanie- You are right. She has been given 5 little guys this age at 5:30 in the afternoon. It is a set up for sure.
She is very sweet with them and they love her...they just get fired up.
It is such a catch 22, because one of the reasons they are in the class is to have a constructive way to burn energy during these cold months where outdoor play is not guaranteed.
I think you did the right thing JMom....I have seen too many children rewarded for bad behavior. I think you did well not to go down on the floor, allowing the teacher to be in control but stepping up afterward and reminding the boys that they did not earn the reward was certainly a good thing in my opinion. Parenting is hard and sometimes we all have to be the Mean Mom. I think you are doing a good job with your three, hang in there!
I doubt she though you were being mean. She was probably fed up and glad the class was over!! I have 3 boys I call the world's greatest kids, ages 14, 11, 6. They are spirited and full of life, yet well mannered and respectful. And I know all about "boys will be boys." However, if one of them acted that way (and they did), I would take them to the car and tear them up. I would tell them before the next class what you expect of them, and hold them to that standard.
I also have three boys and they are involved in activities and sports also. But, I also sort of think that it would have been completely appropriate after two shoves of another kid for you to help the teacher out a bit and remove your child from the situation. (don't misunderstand, it's totally fine that you didn't too....just saying there could be justification either way.)
I love that you stepped in for the no candy part too. And, I'm sure teh teacher didn't think you were a mean mom!! You did the right thing!!!
Love your stories too! Been there with my 11 year old, am there with my 7 year old, getting there with my 4 year old!!
Seriously though, every age has it's own set of challenges...but even much BETTER rewards! :-)
You did the right thing. I'm there too with a 4 year-old girl and a three year-old boy who is all the sudden not my baby and every bit A BOY.
Now that my child is in pre-school I am struggling with this, as well.
Please don't forget to issued yourself some grace. We are all learning as we go. :)
If only more parents were brave enough to do this! I put off telling the teacher not to give my child a snack during Sabbath School because I don't give my kids snacks inbetween meals. I feared that same situation, AND the scene I was sure would come of it. It took two weeks to work up my courage, and also seeing another parent turn down the snack for the child she was holding. Amazingly my child had no fit (not even when we discussed it in the car beforehand). I do still get looks from the teachers and they try to push the snacks on her weekly and she still says no! I am dumbfounded and thankful.
Have you thought about the other mother who had to sit there and watch her son being pushed? My son takes taekwondo & I sit and watch children whose bad behavior is not corrected by the parent sitting just 4 feet away.
Real & meaningful discipline is a must for our children, so that when they are teenagers we don't have to wonder what went wrong.
I have no qualms in a very structured Korean ran dojong to tell my son to strighten up or to tell another child (if his parent dont)to stop bothering my child.
D, yes, I totally thought about that...having been on the other side in other circumstances. Both sides are frustrating!
I admire your decidation to your children and their upbringing! I hope I have the will power to stand firm as you did when I am in a similar situation. Thank you VERY much for sharing this story!
You did the right thing. She doesn't have to live with them and deal with the consequences if they are not corrected!
I just had to say, that quite possible the instructor wasn't looking at you differently because she was judging how you parent, but maybe she was trying to see if you look at her differently because she handled the situation differently than you would have. (Maybe she thinks you think differently of her now?)
I think you made a great decision. I would only hope I would have done the same.
no, not Mean Mama....Loving Mama and Brave Mama. As a teacher and coach who does not have children, I totally respect parents who stand their ground in the very difficult task of disciplining their children, regardless of being in the public eye or in their own home.
Like many have already said, I thought the instructor was more embarrassed at herself, than disapproving of your actions. Maybe she is learning from you.
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