For some time now I have led a weekly Bible Study for teen girls at a nearby home for foster children. I confess that it is not convenient. Because of my family's schedule and the activities of the girls, it is from 8-9pm. By that time of night I am generally tired and ready to settle into comfy pajamas on the sofa with my laptop, a hot tea and my man.
As much as I love this ministry, almost every Wednesday night there is this little wrestling match that occurs in my heart and mind. Sometimes my selfishness or circumstances win out and I have to cancel. It is unfortunately easy to rationalize that no one will notice. The girls at the home come and go. Some weeks I have 6-7 attendees, other weeks I have one or none. Each week that I walk in I don't know whether I will be embraced warmly or stared at by new girls as if I have horns growing out of my head.
Tonight I was less than enthusiastic. My husband was stuck in the OR, so I had to get a sitter. My belly was full. I was tired. I have a big day tomorrow. I went moreso out of obedience and a sense of responsibility than out of the heart of a cheerful servant. I have learned over the years that the bigger the struggle on the way there, the more likely God is to teach me a lesson.
As I walked into the home I immediately noticed a new face and she was holding a baby. Her story was heartbreaking--one of the more difficult ones I have had to process in quite a while. For privacy reasons I cannot expand on it here, but it is truly tragic. She had just arrived this afternoon and only had one bag of things for she and her 6 month old. I was deeply moved by her plight, so I coped the only way I could think to cope--by heading to the store to get supplies for that precious little drooling pumpkin.
As I was walking the aisles of my local CVS, I had a few moments to process. Why am I here, really? I mean the house parents can come and get these things. I realized that I was acting out of my feelings of helplessness. I cannot 'fix' this young woman (or her baby son). I cannot erase what has happened. I cannot wave a magic wand, but I can buy baby wash and lotion to make him smell sweet, diapers and wipes to keep him clean and dry, pacis to soothe him, toys to make him grin. I was there because I needed to be.
My trip was far more about me than about them. It was largely about my need to feel better about the evil of this world. But when I saw that young mother's face, I realized it had served her as well. It seemed like a step in the right direction of earning the right to be heard. It reminded me that sometimes we need to meet people's physical needs in order to clear the way for them to want to talk about their spiritual needs. As I publish tonight I am reminded of the old adage, "People don't care how much you know unless they know how much you care."
Jesus is my Lord and Savior, but I am a messed up sinful person just like everybody else. I have learned to not think more highly of myself than I ought. I serve because I have time to, because I think it is in obedience to what God has called us to, and because it feels good. I don't write any of that proudly. I pray He will continue to work out my salvation in a way that cleanses me of more and more of my impure motives.
I am thankful God doesn't need us to be completely unselfish and sinless to serve Him.
6 comments:
You know, J, I rarely comment -- seeing that I do most of my blog reading while I'm laying in bed with my 2-year-old, waiting for her to give in to the sleepy -- but I read every day.
And I just have to tell you -- I love your heart. Thank you for sharing of yourself and shining God's light here.
Amen! A very good word. I'm so glad you take the time to write.
this post brought tears to my eyes. You truly starting building a bridge to have the "right" to talk to her about our Lord and to minister to her. You truly showed the love of Christ and you ministered out of that love and she will sense something different and special about you. Blessings on your obedience..
what a great testimony! what a blessing you are!
Oh how often I have struggled to have that servant's heart when I'm "serving." I often ask myself what good am I REALLY doing if I cannot do good with the proper heart.
Buying those things for that young mother and her baby, of course, made you feel good because it made you feel useful. But you have planted a seed. One never knows what tiny act will be the one that, years from now, will motivate the recipient to do for others. You gave because you were able. One day years from now, she might tell her son "there was a lady once who brought you some things when I had next to nothing....she showed me Jesus."
Sorry, to go on but it reminds me of the story of the woman who washed Jesus' feet with her hair and valuable perfume. When our Bible class teacher asked what I took from that story I said it made me think that we should listen to that tiny voice in us that says "Now. Now is a time serve," and not worry about how it will be received.
You listened to that voice and there is a young grateful heart because of it.
You are such a blessing! Those girls are blessed to have you serving them.
Post a Comment