For the last couple of weeks I have found myself really burdened by the hurts people in my life are experiencing. I have literally felt a heaviness in my chest--like if I could just sigh big enough I could shake it. I have been sighing a lot...but I have yet to muster one big enough to take away the weight.
As I have prayed, sought counsel, and pondered it all, I keep wondering what God's Will is for me in how to handle my feelings. I have tried to get really honest about what is at the root. It is not worry. It is not really fear. It is not entirely a desire to fix. It really is just a sadness that comes with caring about people who are hurting. Bearing one another's burdens can be draining. I am not doubting God. I am not mad at God. To quote a friend of mine, "I am just sad at God." Sad that sin has made such a mess of hearts and lives.
I have asked God to show me if I am 'seeking drama.' I am at peace with the fact that I am not. I have asked whether it is time to step back from some of my direct ministry--to let my heart recover. The trouble is, much of the pain I feel for folks around me is not just my troubled group home kids--it is relatives and friends.
"I believe God wants us all to live bothered by things around us that are not right….
Possibly the most important indicator of true religion is the desire to love and care for people who hurt."
-Palmer Chinchen, True Religion
I realize there is a balance to this. I must not forget the eternal hope that I have--that God will be victorious in the end. We serve a Savior who has walked on this Earth and knows what it is to feel pain in our hearts.
I am making a concerted effort to seek the little glimpses He gives us of Heaven here on Earth--blue skies, cool breezes, sun on our skin, beauty, laughter, friendship, love, music, creation. I must realize in all of my efforts to 'live a life that matters' God has created rest and leisure because they are necessary components of a life that is healthy enough to serve.
Today I started making a concerted effort to love and serve out of His strength, not my own--and to embrace a little more (guilt-free) leisure. That is proving to be even more therapeutic than my elusive big sigh.
4 comments:
J have you heard of the book "Where is God?" by John Townsend? Not that I think you don't know where God is :), but I recommend it because John does a really good job of helping us break down our emotions and look at things through God's perspective.
It's one of those 'half the book is underlined" kind of books that talks about stuff I know in head, but don't always connect with my heart.
Your post also reminded me of something our pastor said to us once. Our lives are sort of like a piece of cross stitch. On one side God is using us to tie all the knots (it can look messy - when life get's complicated) but what GOD sees is the beauty of His finished design on the other side.
That should read "know in MY head." I just KNEW I couldn't get that out without at least 1 mistake." *sigh*
You know I am always up for a good book recommendation...and I had to laugh that you ended your comment with a *sigh* :-)
I hear you. I'm in the same place and your post was good to read, if for no other reason than to know I'm not the only one in the sighing place right now. Sad for situations that I have no control over and can "only" pray about. I just finished Chinchen's book myself this summer and that quote is a great one to sum up how this feels. It's not a place I land very often, and I know God has a lesson in it somewhere for me.
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