For some time I have been pondering the issue of receiving compliments on behalf of my children. I have never been good at this personally. Adding children to the mix just made it more complicated.
It started years ago, actually. When strangers complimented the trio's behavior, I would get in a mental wrestling match over how to respond. Initially I tried something graceful, like a simple "Thank you." In a moment many would describe as over-thinking, I decided that my response might imply that I deserved all the credit for their behavior. Since I don't want to take the blame for their bad behavior, I have opted to not take too much credit for the good! :-)
This led to a season of using a more deprecating response. I would downplay the observation with a little wink or an eye roll and "Well, you have just caught us in a good moment." While this is true and might make the observer feel better about their own children's behavior, I started to feel like this was taking something away from mine.
Ultimately, I landed on a practice of deflecting the compliment back to the children with a comment like "They are having a great afternoon." This felt like a fitting response that allowed my children to experience pride in the fact that others noticed their good behavior.
(As I read back over this I realized it is primarily written in past tense. We haven't received many behavior compliments lately. Anyone that offered those these days would probably get a big hug. This is a WILD age!)
I still struggle with comments of a more superficial nature. Like most parents, I enjoy hearing people compliment my children, yet I still feel a little awkward about compliments regarding their appearance.
I feel like a hypocrite. I love to dress them and I do value cute clothing perhaps a bit more than I should, but I don't want appearance to take too high of a priority for my children. I do not want their sense of worth to be attached to their wardrobe or their outward appearance. (I know, I know. I already admitted I am somewhat of a hypocrite in this area!)
I have been trying to be much more intentional about the way I respond to these comments in front of the children. Lately this has taken the form of saying something like, "Thank you, but the prettiest thing about her is her loving heart. She is so beautiful inside." or "He is growing to be such a gentleman."
I don't know if I am on the right track with this at all.
It may seem like a slight difference--or like I wrote before, over-thinking. Such is the life of an intentional parent! In the end, I want my children to find their ultimate worth in their identity as a child of God. I pray they grow to embrace the gifts, talents and abilities He brings to light in their lives. I hope they are able to revel in the results of hard work, discipline and seeking God's plans for them. In the end this will be a far more rewarding and fulfilling life than one marked by trophies for beauty or behavior.
5 comments:
I agree that this is a really tricky area. While I agree that finding their ultimate worth in their identity in Christ is the most important goal, I also think that knowing and being told/praised for external things such as behavior and beauty are also important. God Himself praises His children for these things so it can't be wrong... and He created our physical appearance so it must be beautiful, right? I think we all need to hear that the people we love think we're beautiful, kids and adults alike. I think it can be done in a way to foster exactly what it is you want -- confident secure children who are fulfilled in their identity in Christ, rather than children focused on externals. "You are so beautiful -- God made you look just this way, and didn't He do a wonderful job?" "I love your curly hair, isn't it great how God knew you would look just perfect in curls?" "You're such a handsome little guy, just like your daddy -- God sure did a good job when He made you!" Wouldn't compliments along those lines both make the kids feel secure that you think they're beautiful, and gain even more security as they realize that God made them exactly the way they are -- so when they enter their awkward phase or face middle school appearance pressures, it's already instilled deep within their souls that they are beautiful whether so and so thinks so or not -- because God made them and He doesn't make mistakes.
Really great points, PR. I should have mentioned I say those types of things...for some reason it just gets awkward with other people for me. I guess because I have the relationship to couch all that in and with others those quick comments can feel like their whole impression or entire measure of what's neat about my kids.
I am an over-thinker. :-)
This is tough, and it's easy to over-analyze. I wonder if your response makes the person giving the compliment feel like he/she did something wrong by making offering a compliment about the superficial. But I often do the same thing as at least 80% of the compliments my nieces receive are about their appearance, and while I know people mean well, I've worried that they'll grow accustomed to such compliments, and then when the compliments taper off (as they're bound to do as the get older) they might wonder if they aren't cute, etc. You're wise to focus on their hearts and other aspects and to point them back to the Lord. It's so easy to try and find our identity elsewhere.
From a totally different perspective, I say "Pour it on!" It's obvious (based on what I've read from your blogs about their spiritual birthdays), that Jesus has given them a new heart that seeks after him! He will continue to work in their little hearts a true and right response to the things of this world that are transient and superficial. I say that the more you can affirm in K her beauty from the inside-out, the more you will affirm God's perfection in and through her - not on her own accord but because he wants to use those things in her life to glorify HIM! I'm taking a wild stab here - but I'm going to guess (based on the good-looking pair that you and your husband make!) that K is always going to be a physically beautiful girl. My thought would be that your responsibility as a mom would be not to "downplay" that aspect but to emphasize that God created her that way for a purpose, and to help guide her into figuring out WHY God gave her those certain features and HOW to use those gifts to glorify God each and every day - in the same way that someone with a beautiful voice would have to figure out how to use that for God's glory.
All that being said...I think my little E is a pretty cute little girl herself, so would you mind holding onto these words and repeating them back to me in about 4 years so that I can eat some crow and realize it's a little more easily said than done?!?! :)
When my kiddos were young, we used to receive behavioral compliments also. We simply said "Thank You". If we are raising them to be godly children/adults...with God's grace and wisdom...a little credit goes to the wisdom He give us...and the choices we make concerning discipline/decision-making.
Then when they were teens and we received compliments (yes, it does happen with teens)we would laughingly say..."they are wonderful DESPITE" having us as parents"...they receive the praise--we can handle the self-mocking.
Our youngest is a rather gifted musician and people often tell us how talented he is...now we simply say..."It's a God thing...he is truly blessed".
Funny how we've all grown at the same time.
Post a Comment