J. is not a bubbly, innocent child openly grateful for my pursuit. She is complicated, troubled, scarred and afraid of being loved. She has so many issues that if I paused to think about them too long (or relied on my own 'equipping' to address them) I would turn and run the other direction. She seems apathetic about my attention until I don't show up--then she is angry.
Sometimes I drag myself to the home, more out of duty than desire. I really strive to not do things for recognition or appreciation, but rather when I feel the Lord has called me too. And sometimes it is hard.
She sits in Bible Study with her arms crossed and a scowl on her face...and yet she shows up weekly to this completely volunteer activity. I don't know what to make of her. She exhausts me and sometimes frustrates me...and yet I love her. I absolutely cannot explain it apart from Christ.
The beautiful picture it paints of the Gospel and God's pursuit of me though I, too, am complicated, troubled, scarred, afraid to be loved is too great for me to comprehend.
God keeps showing up to love me, regardless of my attitude, appreciation or sin. He is not motivated by one ounce of duty but totally by His unearned, merciful love. I don't get it but am exceedingly thankful for it.
9 comments:
Can not wait to read the rest of this story...
God is doing something wonderful thought you for her...
But, we as humans are always wanting that to be now!
And, he is always saying in due time child !
J - keep up your work with the girls - as a middle school teacher I sometimes don't see the positive affect I have on my teenagers until much later. Their attitudes and behavior sometimes make it hard to just show up! However, they appear to be pushing you away but what they REALLY mean is "Do you care enough to stick around and help me?" They need you as a role model even though they're sending a different messsage...
This may be the first time J. has experienced being loved faithfully and consistently -- and what a message it must send to her about her own value and worth, since she's the only one! This is kind of a Christian cliche, but it took my breath away the first time I heard it: "If you were the only person on earth, Christ still would have died for you." That is the kind of love you're giving J. Good work -- press on!
Nancy
What is is saying, without saying it, is "Prove it to me." And you are, by your consistent and loving presence in her life. Blessings on your ministry, J.
I imagine she is too, exceedingly thankful that is, she just doesnt know it yet. Keep on..I would have loved to have someone like you showing me the ropes of faith back then because even if they fell on then deaf ears I would have taken it forward.
Sometimes (most of the time) I wonder why on earth I keep doing foster care.In the end I always come back to the fact I know God called us to it.
Just as He has called you, to be the example of His love to this one girl. The world will not remember one minute past the time they know of what you're doing. But to this girl, she will remember you for the rest of her life. You may be making a difference not just to her life, but to the lives of her children and grandchildren. A world of difference.
God's word never comes back void
Thanks for sharing so honestly. I will be praying for you tomorrow as you prepare and spend time with J.
I'm an avid reader, and new-time blogger and couldn't help but to comment on this post. You do such an amazing thing for those girls, and as a still fairly young-adult, I sympathize with the feelings of theirs you reflect. I remember a quote that "sometimes we put up walls not to keep others out, but to see who cares enough to break them down," which seemed to ring true to my teenaged self.
I'll keep praying for walls to be broken down, and Jesus to continue to guide both the girls, and you.
She probably doesn't even know why she keeps coming herself and all she knows is that you have something she wants...needs! Christ within you is what she is desparate for and she doesn't know it yet. Just like in times of struggle, we should press on and praise him through the storms... press on when you don't feel like going to the home and know that God is getting the glory and He is doing a miraculous transformation in her life!
Post a Comment