A Mother's Guilt

I am not sure if it was the return to the real world after vacation, the rain, the fact that it was a Monday, my hormones, the result of 9 straight days without a break from my children or a combination of all of the above...but I had a rough evening with my family that continued into this morning.

As I dropped the children off at school I was racked with guilt. Not only had I sent them off into the world feeling less than loved up, I had probably sent them off feeling pretty crummy about how I had spoken to them this morning. It wasn't awful, but it definitely won't be in my top motherhood moments. I had sharp edges in my tone and my reactions. I could see on their faces that they viewed me as a bit of an emotional mine field.

I drove away from the school wanting to run back in and hug them close and apologize. I had that feeling of not knowing if I wanted to go cry or scream. I decided to go work out. The combination of prayer, a little praise music, some quiet away from my precious ones, sweating, and chatting with other women left me in a much better place of mental health.

I talked to a couple of female friends--confessed my motherly sins--and found that we shared a common bond of guilt. A knowledge that our moods play a huge role in those of the people in our homes--and a frustrating struggle with our emotions as we attempt to rein in our sin nature that wants to ensnare us, trip us up and leave us feeling defeated.

I was led to look up a quote I heard someone referencing recently.

"I know I am not alone in this nagging sense of failing to measure up, a feeling of not being good enough as a woman...I am not enough, and, I am too much at the same time. Not pretty enough, not thin enough, not kind enough, not gracious enough, not disciplined enough. But too emotional, too needy, too sensitive, too strong, too independent, too messy. The result is Shame, the universal companion of women." Stasi Eldredge, Captivating

It is like she read my mind. When I forget who I am in Christ...when I allow the circumstances of life and my moods to take too prominent of a role in my perspective...I can become mastered by the defeat and intimidation that comes from my own long list of not enoughs and too muches.

I am prone to be a fixer. I like checklists. I have to pray hard against a tendency to walk around constantly evaluating all the things that need spiffing up or rounding out in my heart and the hearts and character of my children. I know I have crossed the line when my identity and that of my children is characterized by what we need to work on as opposed to the gifts we possess. It is a slippery slope.

Why are we so hard on ourselves? Why are we so hard on each other? As Christians, we acknowledge that we are sinners whose only hope is Christ. Yet, we strive to "be perfect as our Father in heaven is perfect." (Matthew 5:48)

He is my only hope. Why do I keep trying to muster things from my flesh?

I was praying through some of this tonight when David Crowder came on and these familiar lyrics meant so much to me all over again:

We are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,
If grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking.
And Heaven meets earth like an unforseen kiss,
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don’t have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about, the way He loves.

So, tonight I am going to spend less time wallowing in shame and more time meditating on His Love.