I grew up with a sister as my only sibling. We were 2 1/2 years apart. We had a very hard time with each other growing up. We fought, physically, more than most girls. (Although it thankfully never extended to anyone else at school, etc...) I am shocked about it now...my poor Mom...we pulled hair, we pinched and scratched. My parents certainly were not physical with us in the way they disciplined, so I really do not know where it all originated. I am happy to report that we outgrew it once we advanced from elementary school.
Fast forward to current day. I have the unfortunate experience of having to deal with similar issues with one of my own. When R gets frustrated he responds physically...a push, a shove, a pinch. Although he is very articulate, he tends to express anger physically before he puts words around it. I do not like it at all.
I suppose it should not come as a complete surprise. He is a more physical child all the way around. He craves touch as a means of affection as well.
I am told this is 'normal' behavior for a boy his age and that P's passive, non-physical nature is actually the more abnormal of the two. His teacher confirms that my R is 'not the only one.' Yet, it doesn't make me feel that much better about it.
Today he came home with sentences: I will not poke people with my pencil. I was mortified. How can my boy be hurting other people's children? I just don't quite understand it. He is not a mean kid. He is compassionate and tender hearted. Yet, I fear he will be labeled so early in life as 'mean.' His actions are inappropriate, but his heart is kind.
I am convicted about how quick I have been to label other kids in the past--and how I have encouraged my children to be careful around kids who are known to play a bit too rough. I want my children to be safe from bullies---but it must not be any fun at all to be the Mom of a bully.
Lord, grant me unnatural perspective as a female entrusted with raising boys. Restrain me from overreacting, but guide me in how to keep this little guy reigned in. It is never my heart's desire to break the spirit of one You have so uniquely created, but I do hope you will help me see how to best nurture him and guide him through this stage. How do you teach a 5 year old that strength isn't always physical? Help his outward actions match his tender heart.
6 comments:
The feedback you got was correct- it's very normal for him to react that way, and you'll be surprised/relieved to know that it really isn't about how he deals with anger and aggression at all- he just needs to move around. If he's your physical child, he's probably a kinesthetic learner and is motivated by movement and physical activity. I had to deal with this A LOT when I was teaching 7th grade. One thing that worked well with most of the boys was to have them "take a walk" outside of the classroom. Our building design and the fact that the boys were 12-13 years old allowed us to send them outside NOT as a punishment, but just as a chance to move their bodies when they started to feel restless and/or aggravated. He's probably just feeling restless, and if someone aggravates him while he's already restless it triggers an uncontrollable urge to just move and be forceful. You might talk to his teacher and see if there is a place he can go periodically to just move around some- march in place, take a walk to the office or another classroom to deliver something for the teacher - anything is helpful. I'm not sure what kind of classroom environment he's in, or what kind of teacher he has, but one thing I did with a class that was particularly boy heavy was to have "brain surges" and we did jumping jacks and toe touches and marching in place just to get their blood pumping- then they got a drink of water, we took a minute to take a deep breath, and we went right back to doing what we were doing- took 3 minutes- and saved all of our sanity. It might be worth talking to the teacher about if you feel comfortable. You could also talk to your little one and encourage him to move around as much as possible when he's able; tell him when he's feeling frustrated to roll his shoulders back, turn his head back and forth slowly and take a couple of deep breaths.
Don't worry- he's just got a lot of energy flowing through that little body and he needs to get it out.
I laughed out loud at the "sentences" he came home with... And I can totally see myself in you (for me - it was 1 1/2 years ago). My oldest is very physical also. We used to joke even when he was very little that his too tight affection said, "I love you so much I could squeeze your head off/bite you/or hit you over the head with my toy!" And he has it on the flip side too... Unkind touches. These days he's using words WHILE slugging his brother. We're improving. And this is the same child who is the most tender-hearted, compassionate little boy I've ever met. Thankfully he has moved far beyond resolving conflict physically with his classmates - he saves it for his brother now.
You're doing a great job. With your guidance, he will grow out of it. Before you know it, you will look at him and wonder where that little boy went.
This post is beautiful. I love your prayer and am praying that for my two as we are dealing with the same thing at almost 5 and 3 1/2. I love the sentence ... "his actions are inappropriate but his heart is kind." So true of my two as well and such a loving way to phrase it!
Thanks for sharing - such an encouragement to me as a momma to another little boy very much like yours. I think my biggest fear/worry/concern is that others will not see his heart. So, thanks!
Thanks for sharing. I'm looking into the future of my two year old and seeing this. He too is very active, physical and at times "mean." I actually flinch when he lifts his hands or toys over his head.
And thanks too Traci for sharing your advice. I'll remember that for my child as well as for when I return to the elementary work force.
I just had to say that my sister and I fought so much growing up also..mostly in the high school years. I have scars to prove it. But, now we are the best of friends, we laugh at those days. I regret many things I did and said to her back then, but I'm so thankful for second chances.
Thanks for all the great advice in the comments-really helpful!
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