Wednesday, I started Beth Moore's study Esther: It is Tough Being a Woman. During the video, Beth was reading responses from a survey she had conducted on her blog about things that make it tough to be a woman. One of the responses, in particular, has been rolling around in my brain since.
I did not scribble down the quote, but it was about the guilt of motherhood--all that we have to 'do' during the day, plus giving our children appropriate attention. She specifically spoke of how hard it often is to muster up the energy to play with your children--letting them serve you 'one more batch of pretend cookies.'
I am surprised I don't often hear Moms talk about this more. Personally, I think this is a tight rope. I definitely want to be available to my children. I want to make fun memories together. I love being invited into their little imaginative games. I have read that it is important to their self esteem to feel validated that their world is important too.
But I also think it is important that they see that adults have responsibilities they must attend to as well. As callous as this sounds, I don't want them to grow up thinking they are the center of the universe. I want them to know I am always available when they need me--but I want them to learn that they will not always be everyone's top priority at any given moment. I want them to learn to respect other people's priorities and time.
In these situations I tend to do a good bit of "Let Mommy finish my job of...and then I would love to ride your train to Disney." (Every now and then I invite them to help me finish the chore.) I must confess that each time I do this, I hear the chorus of The Cat's in the Cradle in the back of my head.
Obviously, taken too far, I begin to model for them the very attitudes I claim to be trying to prevent. Instead of them feeling like the center of the universe, my behavior implies that I am. This is why I refer to it as a tightrope.
I am beginning to realize, that like so many other things, this will always be a balancing act. Each time I am invited to play I must ask myself is it, in fact, important that I finish this now--or is this a time when I just want to. As a mother that values efficiency and productivity--I have to often remind myself that these three little people are not interruptions. They are living souls that God has entrusted to my care...and caring for their hearts often involves eating lots of invisible cookies.
9 comments:
Yes, yes, yes. I am on the same week of Esther that you are- we just watched that video on Tuesday. It is a hard rope to balance on, but I'll say this- my kids are 13 and 9, and there are far fewer opportunities to play pretend than there were- it ends quickly, so don't feel so guilty when you just pitch responsibility to the wind every so often to ride a train to Disney. It will all come out in the wash- just pray, love, and do the best you can.
I think these thoughts every single day over and over again. Now that I'm working from home it has become even more difficult. I HAVE to work to put food on the table, but then the guilt that I'm always telling them no or "Mommy has to finish her work first and then I want to come to your tea party. Will you go set it up and I'll be right there?"
I feel guilty that I don't work faster so there is more free time with the kids. The knife in my heart goes deeper every time my kids bypass me to ask daddy to play.
I'd love to hear what other working mom's do to walk this tight rope!
You are so right. You do not often hear Mom's discuss this. We discuss a lot of other issues though. I guess one of the positives is the imaginary cookies don't have calories!
This actually reassures me, because I had some very similar thoughts when I heard the first week's lesson (I did this study last semester). I want there to be a healthy balance; somehow it doesn't seem right to me when I hear mothers say that they never, ever take time for themselves. I understand that children take up a LOT of time, energy, etc. And maybe it's just the selfish 20-something in me speaking out right now.
But I hope that, one day when I have kids, I will still take time out for my marriage and for myself.
Great subject. I don't know if you read John Rosemond or not, but he has an awesome perspective on this. It relates to the difference in the era of our childhood (40-50 age people)versus today's children. It is very interesting. I think you would like it.
Well put....something I think about A LOT!
you must somehow be linked up to my head...because i think about this every single day. it's a moment to moment struggle for me. i have such a hard time not finishing whatever job i'm in at any given moment. every time i get invited to join my children, i feel my insides clench up because i don't know what to do.
i often wonder if it affects my childrens' response time when we ask them to do something. i've heard my almost-four-year-old reply to me that she'll be there in a minute or will do what i ask once she finishes X. oh my...she's learned this from me!!
it's so hard to just let go and trust my instincts.
I feel the same way in the first grade classroom sometimes. There is so much I'm required to do, and six year olds can move at a smell-the-roses pace that leaves us behind most of the time. I'm learning to embrace slowing down, not working on anything at my desk while the students are in the room, looking at them in the eyes each time they speak. It means having to stay later when school's out for the day to plow through the remains of the day. But it also means we have less hurried days and I know that I have a huge connection to my students. I have always enjoyed my classroom, but there is something about this year where I am really being conscious about staying present with the students that has made a HUGE difference.
WOW! This is so true and very well said. I have been so convicted lately about how many times a day my son hears me say "just a minute, let me..." or "not right now, I have to...." It hurts my heart. Balancing on that tightrope is HARD to do. Thanks for letting me know I am not alone!
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