Last night my husband and I had a committee meeting about something we are passionate about. After the meeting we went to dinner with two of the most solid couples I know and I have been feeling insecure ever since. Do you have an annoying habit that leaves you feeling a little embarrassed when you leave a social situation? Mine is talking. I am passionate and I am a communicator, so when I get excited about something my mouth becomes a bubbling brook.
It is funny because I am not the type of talker that seeks out people in the grocery store line to chat idly with. I am quite happy in those types of situations to keep my head down and avoid eye contact, but put me around a dinner table with people I admire or respect, turn the topic to something meaningful and I simply cannot keep my mouth shut. I think being a stay at home Mom of young children has only exacerbated this problem. (I also think it is a chief reason I blog.)I crave deep conversation about things that matter. I long to connect and communicate about meaningful topics. I want to share things I have read and what God is teaching me. I get so excited when I have those opportunities that I am like a boiling teapot. I just cannot keep it in.
And I leave and feel like a babbling fool.
I wish I listened more--but I cannot help but feel like the babysitter clock is ticking and there is SO MUCH TO TALK ABOUT in so little time.
So, there. I said it. If you know me in real life I KNOW this is a 'thing' I do. I am praying about it. I am trying to learn to balance who God made me to be with the need to create space for other people to communicate too...I am a work in progress.
10 comments:
I have felt that way MANY times myself!! And I definitely agree that having small children just makes me more that way.
Don't we all feel this way? All SAHMs that is. Even with me working from home, I miss conversations with other women. I can talk and talk about anything..passionate or not. Recently, I had to take narcotics for a kidney stone and that exacerbates my problem, too. Quite bluntly, I didnt shut up for 3 hours!! See..I digress. Your post reminded me of this song- one of my favorites, especially the heart line:
He's Still Working on Me
There really ought to be a sign upon the heart,
Don't judge her yet, there's an unfinished part.
But I'll be perfect just according to His plan
Fashioned by the Master's loving hands.
Chorus
He's still working on me to make me what I ought to be.
It took Him just a week to make the moon and stars,
The sun and the earth and Jupiter and Mars.
How loving and patient He must be, He's still working on me.
In the mirror of His Word reflections that I see
Make me wonder why He never gave up on me.
He loves me as I am and helps me when I pray
Remember He's the Potter, I'm the clay.
--Joel Hemphill
This is true for all of us, no matter what our "thing" is. Heck, just be glad yours is talking!
One of my (many) favorite things about your blog is that you take what I feel in my life and put it into words. Very clear and focused words. Talking little in the big crowds, talking a LOT with the friends. I know your friends find your insights to be treasures.
Blank pauses in conversation make me feel uneasy, so I open my mouth to try to keep things moving along. Often, I swallow whole legs. Sometimes I'll have a hip for dessert.
I feel that way too, some times. But I would bet your friend enjoyed every word.
GIRL!!!! I can relate that you would NOT believe!
I have "truth cards" that remind me to hold my tongue and I have recently been trying to keep those verses in my head.
Not working too well --- I'm gonna have to start carrying them with me where ever I go......
I really think that most of us are harder on ourselves and assume we come across in a more negative light than others ever perceive of us. I suspect your friends would be surprised to hear that you think of this as a weakness.
But I will say I can so relate to the need for adult conversation. When mine were little, a friend stopped by in the middle of the day. She teased me for weeks afterward about the fact that I zipped out of the house and met her at her van before she could even clsoe her door - I was so excited to have adult company.
If it's any consolation or comfort, I am the opposite and it's not any better either. I tend to listen too much and not talk. And sometimes people gets uncomfortable or bored.
And partly that's the reason why I blog. Probably to express some things I'd like to express but is not comfortable expressing in a group of people facing me in a conversation setting.
Love your blog, it's a blessing, inspiration and encouragement to read about you and your family.
I found your blog through...I have no idea but I've started reading it every day and thouroughly enjoy it. I usually skip over blogs that are wordy and introspective, because I have plenty of that in my life:-) But I am drawn to your words, I identify with them. I love how with every experience with your children, you can find some way to learn more about Christ. I have a 4 1/2 month old and every day I learn things and cannot imagine how much more I will learn in the years to come. Thank you for writing.
By the way. I always enjoy myself with friends, I laugh, I feel like I'm interacting and adding funny/interesting things to the conversation. And EVERY TIME I leave that situation, I'm mortified how much I talked. So I totally get what you are saying here. I like you talking though. At least I like you typing:-)
I do the exact same thing! And I frequently have the same fit of remorse afterwards.
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