Thursday, October 09, 2008

Finish the Drill

The parenting debate weighing on my husband and I these days involves P and his non-participation in group sporting activities. This Summer, he chose to attend tennis camp. I never, ever saw him participate in a single drill on the court. Each time I dropped him off or returned to pick him up he was standing near the fence happily playing alone with weeds and rocks or talking to a parent. He knew every kid on the court's name--and they knew his. He was never crying, he simply didn't participate.

This Fall he requested to participate in T-Ball. He chattered excitedly about it for weeks, yet had much the same response once practice started. He spent each of the four sessions playing imaginary games in the dugout either alone or with the other siblings there waiting on their family members.

Last week, we started a 4 session preschool soccer class. I asked each of my three if they wanted to play--no pressure--and he assured me that he did. Again, once practice rolls around he does not want to participate. He plays on the fringes, at his own pace, paying no mind to the group activity occurring all around him. He never cries or resists going--he just doesn't want to join the fray once we arrive.

Interestingly, he does fine in our weekly gymnastics class--and his teacher has not raised any red flags about his behaviour in the classroom. She says he sometimes chooses to play alone, but other times engages fully in what the group is doing. I canot decide if he is a loner, a free spirit or a rebel.

My husband and I are a little conflicted over how to handle the extracurricular aspect. Our primary motivation for enrolling in these activities is to expose the children to enjoyable forms of exercise. We have no agenda regarding raising 'the next great...' We want them to have fun, learn about teamwork, get some fresh air and run off some of their abounding energy.

The children are always involved in selecting what activities they want to participate in--therefore, the character issue with P has become about commitment. I want my son to understand the importance of sticking to the things he has committed to do. These classes cost money--and lately P is wasting it.

Friday night my husband and I had a conversation with P in which we offered to withdraw him from Soccer and get our money back. When we clarified that this meant no trophy or t-shirt he decided he wanted to stick with it. We have explained to him that since he elected to stay enrolled, his lack of participation will still mean no trophy and tee AND we'll have to think of a few chores to 'earn' the money back that we spent for him to play. He agreed to these terms. We'll see what happens tomorrow.

I realize that is is also a real possibility that P is simply not a team sports guy--and that is FINE. But I don't want to label him at such an early age. I think exposure to various things is healthy. A part of me also thinks he needs experience with structure and teams, as the 'real world' will not always allow him to fly solo.

And yet, he is only 4 1/2. Some parenting articles don't even encourage enrollment at this age. R & K have participated in and enjoyed everything we have tried so far, with the possible exception of K in dance camp this Summer. We have deliberately avoided competitive sports with games, sticking instead to 45 minutes a week of each activity in a practice/workshop environment.

I am already looking around for some things for the Winter that involve music to see if he will find more of a sweet spot there. For now, we keep pressing on and encouraging our boy to finish the drill.

I want to lead my children--not push them. I want them to feel encouraged, not forced...and yet they are children and I am an adult. Sometimes for their good, I must put them in situations they might not otherwise choose for themselves. (Wow! God just spoke to me in that line about His own love for me...)

Sometimes it is hard to know what lessons they are ready to start being exposed to...and when it is OK to shrug your shoulders and say, "They are kids for crying out loud!"

How on Earth do people parent without prayer?

*(By the way, this post title is for my friend Sandy who makes fun of the fact that I am a chick who digs football. It is a quote that Georgia's head coach Mark Richt has made famous in our state.)

14 comments:

Melene@Sing For Joy said...

My daughters are 12 and 10 now and we have definitely seen them change in how they participate-or choose not to participate in activities. I totally agree with you on your last two statements-especially the very last. Just this past weekend, our 12 year old over heard us praying about her and some respect issues we are now dealing with-for the first time. First it made her mad, but then we had a great talk and the respectfulness has grown in leaps and bounds this week!

I love football, too, by the way. Especially College. Go Tar Heels! :)

Tari said...

We have a lot of the same things to think about with our 5 year old. He will say he wants to do team sports and then, even though it's the Y and completely uncompetitive, he walks behind the other kids at practice and on game day refuses to play. For now we've given up on team sports, and he's doing taekwondo with his older brother. He, too, did a great job at gymnastics, so we thought this might work - and so far it has.

My older son liked team sports a lot, but for all sorts of reasons they haven't worked out for him in a while (too time-consuming, too competitive - especially baseball). For a while he's done individual sports and really enjoyed himself. We thought for a long time he had zero athletic skills, but his taekwondo coach thinks he's great, and he's swimming so well lately I'm always looking twice to make sure "that's my kid" in the pool.

I guess my point is: whatever works for your schedule and makes your child happy - stick with it. If it's not team sports, well, they'll pick up the whole "work together" lesson somewhere else (especially yours - I'm sure they have that down pat!).

And I think you handled the quit/don't quit situation really well, too. That's a really hard one, especially if you can tell they're miserable.

Nicole said...

Your P is my little A to a T! ;-) We start church league soccer on Saturday, our first "sport" activity, and the only reason I signed him up is for something fun to do with friends on Saturday mornings during deer season. I know A will sit on the sidelines, playing with blades of grass, possibly finding a string somewhere so he can build a machine. It won't give him any worries that all the other kids are doing something else. I'm so glad to know my kid is not the only one!

Jayce Tohline said...

I love your blog and follow it daily. We have raised three children and I feel like your children are the "babies" in my life. I love your family! This post touched me so much I called my husband in to read it.

2 of our 3 children are competitive. The oldest realized by mid elementary she did not enjoy team sports due to the competitive nature. We had her in lot of team sports along with the others because, like P, she wanted to be, and wanted the trohpy and shirts. We let her be "a part" of the group until She determined she did not enjoy it. She never felt like we pressured her in or out, and because of that there was no negativity attached in her thinking.

My husband and I see the social bent P has and how comfortable he seems in these situations even though he is not "participating". To pull him or enforce a different standard for him could send the message he doesn't "measure-up".

In reading your post I have been impressed how P does not seem to be concerned that K and R are so sports oriented and he is not. That is so special. As time goes on he will begin to find his special nitch. My husband says that sport at this age is as much for the parents - to see where the bent is (Prov 22:6 - Train up a child in the way he should go, according to his INDIVIDUAL BENT- and he will not depart...AMP)

Our oldest found that she enjoy any sport that was not competitive-she enjoyed gymnastic, and became a great snow skiier.

An excellent book I used to help me see the strength and weaknesses in our children was HOW TO DEVELOP YOUR CHILDS TEMPERMENT, by Beverly La Hayes. I appreciated, having 3 so close in age (not as close as you!) that we could begin to talk about the strength and weaknesses each had as a family- we celebrated the indivual strength and worked on the weakness. It really helped diminsh comparing amoung them because we knew each one had strenghts God had given.

I think you are doing an amazing job- i had never thought about having 3 the same age means that in every new season you are doing it times 3! I lift you before the Father often
Blessing,
Diane

Anonymous said...

Sounds alot like my son. He's in soccer for the first time and says each week he wants to go to practice and the game. But once we are there he's always more interested in kicking the ball his way, or running away by himself, or play wrestling (yes that's what I said). I too feel conflicted between pushing him to stay in the team because I know it's what he needs in some ways.

Laura said...

I haven't read your other comments, but I want to give you my perspective. Triplets have eash other all the time. The novelty of doing things with others is not always a novelty when you have siblings with you literally 24/7. He has not seemed to have the need to compete and it seems as if he has always felt comfortable doing his own thing (one of mine is the same way).

What about a non-sport activity? I do a cooking class Mommy and me once a week, rotating children. Also, maybe a pottery or little artist type cass may get him in the group setting, but not be as physical or competitve as the sport activities.

If you enjoy having them be physical, what about little karate or ninja classes? My trio do little ninja (basically Ta Kwon Do) and really love it. No competing, just learning.

These are just some alternatives to throw out there to you. He is his own little guy and may just want another path to go down for now. Revisit sports in a year or maybe again in the summer.

Good luck!

The Williams Brothers said...

I don't have any profound advice, but a quick thought just occured to me ... Have you ever tried reserving an activity just for him? Take golf for instance ... Maybe you could have him take lessons. But, not the others (for now). Maybe in a situation with his other two (more athletic siblings) his way to handle a competiton is to bow out and fill that time socializing or entertaining himself. But, to try something the other two haven't mastered that he can call his own might help him gain confidence in his abilities.

... said...

I agree with you about the need to teach our children perseverance. Our rule was, that kids had to stick with an activity all year long. Also, your kids are still very young, and as you say, they shouldn't be labelled them too fast in one category or another. I remember that my son, when he was that age, would spend most of a soccer game chasing a fly from his sleeve or looking at the ants on the ground while the action was completely elsewhere. Now he is in college soccer, and scored his first goal last week! Like you say, we try to expose them to different situations to strech their personality, help them learn to stick with it, try to discover their gifts, and... pray a lot.

Sarah said...

He sounds like a little sweetie..maybe overwhelmed by the activity? Don't worry, he's still so little. DON'T overanalyze (I know it's hard not too). He'll eventually learn (from peers) that he has to "help" his team. But for now, just laught about it and shell out the cash for the importance of giving him a chance. You are a great mommy!

Sherri said...

If P continues to gear away from sports, it will be harder and harder for him to deal with the consequences of that. I say this because there is a stigma on boys that they have to play sports to fit in. This makes me sad, but it's the way it is! This does not mean, however, that a boy should be pushed into it. I have never seen a boy learn to like sports in general because he was made to do it or made to feel like he had to do it.
You are right to expose P to as many different sports as you can. That's what we did with Patrick, our son who does not enjoy such activities. Finally, we exposed him to a sport that he loved..karate. In the mean time, the older he got the more his self esteem was crushed by the peer pressure to play sports. Even though my husband didn't realize what he was doing, he was also putting too much pressure on Patrick to play. We have come to realize that because others will put so much pressure on Patrick and he will naturally feel "different" for not playing sports, we are the ones who need to be completely supportive and very careful about comments that we make pertaining to his choices. We need to give him the opportunities, but never pressure him to the point of making him feel like he is letting us down.
I hope this makes sense. I know you only want the best for P...it's so hard to know sometimes what that is. My thoughts are with you. I don't have triplets, but my children are very close in age...the boys are only 12 months apart. I know it is harder when they are close!

Leah said...

I feel like you should discuss with the coach/instructor what how he would like for to handle the situation. My husband coached my daughter's little league teams for years and he often wished the parents would intervene and lead their child back to the group. He didn't feel it was his place.
I also feel like he does need to stick with it. Our rule is that we never let them quit anything. They have to finish. We are not opposed to rewards (sometimes with a little bribery thrown in) to get them to participate.
Good luck!

Teresa said...

I am not an expert, but when I read the post my thoughts were along the same line as Laura's. Maybe P enjoys the being close to the crowd, but also away because he is always part of it. (I am not saying that he is neglected or that he never has special time. I think you and your husband are wonderful!)

But, at the same time, I think the way you are handling it is exemplary. You are teaching him wonderful lessons, even if he is young. And you are giving him exposure to many different things. That is what we want for our children, opportunities.

I think what you are already doing and praying (which I know you are doing) is the best thing!

You do a great job!

Renee said...

My kids are 8,6, and 2. I've commented on your blog a few times, but I've been reading for a while. Your kids are so adorable! I think these issues are definitely issues of prayer and individual conviction. So there's no real advice, except to ask the Lord to lead you. But, then again, maybe God will use other points of view to show you what to do. On that note...we also had to confront the question of team sports. ALL of our friends and cousins play a sport, karate, etc., etc., etc. Our two oldest are boys and we especially wanted them to learn discipline, cooperativeness and integrity through sports. Our oldest played t-ball for two years and then decided that he didn't want to play. We let him quit-when the season was over. We've simply found other outlets for exercise and of course there are plenty of ways to learn the character traits mentioned above. He hasn't fallen behind in the least. We've actually enjoyed exercising more as a family (walks, playing at the neighborhood playground/lake, and even kickball or softball together in the yard after dinner) and being "on the road" less. And I am sure our 2 year old appreciates the less strenuous schedule as well. I know many toddlers that spend mostly every afternoon being hauled to one lesson or another for his/her older sibling. We have met many athletes, dancers and musicians that did not start "training" until middle or high school. So for now, we are assuming that if our oldest son has a special talent, the Lord will reveal it and he will be able to accel even if he gets a "late start". Meanwhile, our other son has asked to play Upward Basketball this fall. :) One more thing, this may or may not apply, but my oldest son is a DREAMER and very sensitive. I think the combination of thinking too much about consequences (will this hurt?) and wanting to just run and make-believe as opposed to following a game, lead to his dislike of ball. He doesn't have any problems with focus/attention span in learning, but to him playing means playing!

AnnG said...

I only visit your blog occasionally, but I am always intrigued by your kids. They are a little younger than my little guy, so I feel like we have something in common!
My little guy is VERY competitive and ACTIVE and I wanted to find something for him...we tried Karate and it is working WONDERULLY for him. He competes, but he works on his own! Best of both worlds. You might try a sample class and see if it is a good fit...not to mention its great for ALL seasons, cuz its indoors!
Hope you find something that works for everyone!