Along with their budding independence and increasing ability to communicate their desires, I am noticing a trend in my children that is disturbing me. They seem to be constantly expecting more.
If they are given two cookies, they want three. If they are given three, they want four. An afternoon special treat on Monday leads to the expectation of the same or better treat on Tuesday. When they help me with a chore or do something kind for a sibling, they invariably ask 'what do I get for doing that?'
Last week I changed the adage they learned in preschool, "You get what you get and you don't pitch a fit." My new mantra is "You get what you get and are thankful for it."
I know this greed is largely a product of human nature. I realize they are testing the boundaries to see what they can get just for asking. Yet, I feel as if my positive reward and reinforcement has perhaps gone too far...and my desire to make the last few weeks of Summer memorable crossed the line into spoiling them. Yuck!
I think I am most frustrated by this issue because it is one I have consciously worked hard to address. I have been very intentional about exposing them to the less fortunate and explaining how blessed we are to have the most basic of things--a house, a car, clothing, food. We sponsor Compassion kids, send shoeboxes through Samaritan's Purse, go to the soup kitchen and the children's shelter. While we shower them with ample opportunities to experience life, we do not lavish them with 'stuff.' Truly, I tell them 'No' to their requests for 'more stuff' far more frequently than I say Yes. Is this just one of those things that takes time?
What have you done to cultivate an attitude of gratitude in your children? I'd love to hear some ideas (and I know other Mommies would, too!)
14 comments:
I too am bothered by my children's ungreatfullness and selfish attidues. Recently I stumbled upon a radio broadcast by Jill Rigby on which she shared ideas from her book "Raising Unselfish Children in a Self-Absorbed World". Check out her webbsite Manners of the Heart to learn more about her. Her book is on my list of "to reads" because her ideas were really good and practical on the broadcast.
I don't think I have ever commented, but have read your blog for a few years. Your blog is such a blessing and encouragement to me as I seek to raise godly children as well.
Carrie, Baton Rouge, Louisiana
I think what works best is just to model thankfulness and gratitude consistently and with true sincerity, because basically what we DO works better than any words. So.... with that being said, I honestly think your trio is just testing, which is entirely typical and age appropriate, so just keep on walking the walk. Another thing that worked for me was to praise others (kids and adults alike) in front of my kiddos for their attitudes of unselfishness. Boy, that got their attention!!
I have no advice on this one but am looking forward to reading what others say!!
my dad once challenged me to write one thank you note everyday...i definitely did not meet the challenge but imagine that would change anyone's, even four year olds', attitude towards what they've been given and been blessed with...maybe just one a week!?! the swimming and baseball pics are so fun! makes me miss you guys heaps! i'm gonna be in town sunday afternoon until monday late afternoon...any chance i could see you guys for a sec? love y'all!
I agree with Debra's advice. It is something that needs to be addressed - for sure - but they are (small) children afterall. This is something we constantly work on in our home too, and they take it in spells. Sometimes they are better at being thankful than others. So am I!
Good luck! I hope you find something that works for your family.
Like Debra, I agree to just keep 'doing' in front of them, because actions are MUCH louder than words. I give so much positive affirmation on their actions and when they do right and/or good, that they actually affirm each other now, lol. It's funny to see my 5 yo tell his 4 yo brother "good job Coby"... makes a mom proud... but I do need work in the 'be thankful' department, so can't wait to see what everyone says.
When our son was about 4 we left a restaurant and after hearing us praise him for his good behavior, he said "What's my reward for being good?" We thought we had been low key on the reward system, so that floored us. I actually answered "Well, you DON'T get a spanking..."
I really don't remember what I did at that age to foster a thankful heart. I do remember, however, when they were 8 and 11, I made them each write an essay on everything in their lives that they were thankful for, because they each had taken bad attitudes for not getting something. This was an especially harsh punishment for our son.
Kids are sometimes selfish because they don't know better. You will cultivate gratitude with your example - you already do.
This isn't directly about gratitude, it relates. Awhile back I adopted a practice I learned from a friend. At dinner each night (or most nights), we go around the table and announce our favorite things about the day and our least favorite things. For a
long time, the kids' list of "least favorites" (being in time out, not getting to go to ____, having to share my _____) was longer than their list of favorites. I told them that we should try to work on having a looooong list of favorite things and a short list of leasts. It's been neat to see over time how that has happened. They (meaning the boys mostly; my 2 y/o doesn't quite get it yet!) now correct each other if their "least favorite" list is getting too long. :)
This doesn't' address gratitude, but it addresses the "bargaining." If I tell my daughter she may have two cookies for dessert and she says, "Can I have three?" I immediately cut her serving in half - she then only gets one cookie since she bargained about it. That is something we have been dealing with lately. The bargaining issue - trying to get more. It's taken a few cut servings to get it through, but she's learning that we obey/listen and don't bargain!
I have nothing to add to this except thanks that you addressed it. It is just becoming an issue at our house, and I am absorbing what you all have to say about it. Thanks!!!
I can tell you that it does seem like there are certain stages that it seems like this bargaining and asking for more is most predominant. You are doing everything right...trust me, they will get it as they get older. When they start up with it, I say "No" almost always for awhile (without telling them I'm doing it on purpose)...till they start appreciating the "Yes's". You kids are still so young, so just keep doing what you are doing...the rewards are reaped later!
I am sitting here rocking my little one to sleep for quiet time and was JUST talking to my husband about this very thing with him about our two older girls...one thing that we are starting is a thankfulness/blessing jar - we have to write one thing we are each thankful for a day and on Sunday Daddy will read them before or right after Sunday lunch. We also sometimes (if they are getting to get a treat at a store or on a vacation/trip) we make them pick out something for each other - for example my six year old has to pick out something for my four year old instead of herself...that definetly gets their attention and they are SO incredibly thankful when they get in the car and open their little bags with the treat in it. I will also be taking the other Mom's advice about walking it out in front of the girls...thank you for this post - I LOVE the Godly advice that comes across here (both from you and your readers) Sunshine
I learn so much from all of you. I wanted to post (with permission) this comment I received via email from Jessica. I loved the quote she included:
Hi JMom! I know from talking with my mom friends that this is a universal struggle for us all. My 2year old is in that whinny stage and we are trying to nip that quickly although I am finding it isn't quick but consistency is starting to pay off. It is hard to motivate young kids to do what is asked of them if there isn't a "reward" involved. Something that I have been working on when my child whines or complains when she doesn't get what she wants or doesn't want to do what we ask of her is I say "you have much to be thankful for and happy about so lets stop whining". Sometimes I even name things to be thankful for that have to do with that situation.
I also fall into wanting to give my kids everything i see that i think they would like. Our pastor's wife quoted her father about that and the lesson of cultivating an attitude of gratitude and i think it is a great qoute. He said "I would do you a grave disservice if i gave you more than you have the capacity to appreciate." I have learned so much from that. I often think that more is better for my children but it is always the little things and the things that don't cost anything that they appreciate and have joy from.
Just know you are not alone in this and i think it is something we will all learn along the way. I am glad you posted about it and i look forward to see what others share too!
This may be a little off topic, but this is how we handle the whining and complaining...
We have a chart much like yours, but it also includes "no fits". When my oldest begins to complain or whine for more, I remind her about that check on her chart. When I'm consistent (working on that), it's a quick way to nip that problem.
Also - she frequently wants to take offering to church. Instead of just handing over the dollar, she earns it by getting so many checks on her chart that week.
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