My husband and I are currently trying to sort through an issue common to parents everywhere: tattling. Like most parenting issues, I am finding that it is immensely more layered than I ever imagined.
I want my children to learn to work issues out among themselves. I have tried to instill in them a couple of basic guidelines, if someone has been hurt or someone is in danger you should tell an adult. Otherwise, try to use your words to work it out. When they tattle about things outside these parameters, I remind them of our rule and ask them why they are telling me. Do they merely want to see someone else get in trouble?
My favorite is when K pridefully reports who did not have their eyes closed while we were praying. Of course, she never mentions herself and has yet to see the irony.
Although their tattling makes me a little crazy, I can also empathize. As the oldest child growing up, it used to infuriate me to watch my sister get away with things. If I was going to keep the rules, I wanted her to as well.
Honestly, I struggle with this a bit as an adult. All it takes is to have someone speed past me in an emergency lane, thereby 'breaking in line' in traffic, to remind me that I still struggle with my desire for 'justice' for those who break the rules. Unless of course the rule breaker is me... :-)
A couple of days ago we were on the playground and I couldn't help but leave feeling like my children were tattle tales. They were frequently running to be to tell on another child in particular. The truth is, he WAS aggressive and playing much rougher than the other children. But, as they would run to me to report on the child's pushing or tackling, I was strangely embarrassed in front of the other Moms.
Later as I reflected on it, I couldn't help but question what was at the heart of the issue of tattling. In many regards, I am thankful my children run to me when they are afraid. I do not want to discourage their belief that I am their advocate and defender. One day a few years from now they may face more dangerous threats of bullying or abuse. I would hate to think that may get lumped in the category of tattling and not brought to me. Yet, I know they must learn to fight age-appropriate battles on their own. As their mother, I must equip them for the task.
The unfortunate admission I must make is that I am also driven by a fear of what their peers (and mine) will think of them. I don't want them to be shunned by their friends because of their obnoxious social skills (or lack thereof). Likewise, I don't want them to be popular at the expense of doing the right thing.
So, it seems the lesson for Mommy is the same as the lesson for my children...examining the heart and questioning the motive. It never ceases to amaze me how so many of the issues of three year olds are common to this 33 year old!
9 comments:
When my daughter was about four she tattled on a guest by saying "Mommy, he said he was going to tell on me, but we don't tattle in this house do we?" Oh, the irony.
This is a tricky issue for little ones - finding the right balance. I actually got to the point with mine, where if they tattled over something unimportant, I'd just look at them and raise my eyebrows and not even answer.
Now at ages 14 and 16, we are dealing with the proper times to call us when we are out on a date. For instance, we had to recently tell them "Running out of Mt. Dew is NOT an emergency." On the third or fourth call my husband usually answers his phone with "ARE YOU BLEEDING....?"
I know you'll find the balance with this phase, which will pass before you know it.
This is one of the most irritating things I deal with among our 4 little kids. Although they love to tattle now, I also dread the day when they decide to cover for each other and NOT tell me something I should know.
Parenting is quite the education isn't it!? I think I've learned more in the last three plus years than in the 27 previous ones!
Tattling is the WORST! I can't quite figure out how to deal with it myself. Do I NOT punish whoever got tattled on?
The unfortunate admission I must make is that I am also driven by a fear of what their peers (and mine) will think of them."
And why is it so important to you what others think of them? I would love to hear more about this.
... I maintain that you will be embraced and loved and admired even more fully by your peers when you DON'T try to portray perfection in yourself and your children. They (and you!) are MORE appealing when their pants are wrinkled, when they aren't always perfectly coordinated in darling clothing (they are 3 different people!), when they do complain and argue and "tattle" on others, when they pitch a fit in public....the list goes on and on. People will connect with you even further when you show...and allow your children to show...vulnerability and imperfection...
Good food for thought , Pam.
I don't know why I care, just that I do. But, it is not the driving force in my life. I make daily decisions that are outside the 'norm.' I am just attempting to express that my motives aren't always pure and sometimes, subconciously, are influenced by other factors.
I don't think people in my life have any illusions that I somehow have it all together. I am as honest about my imperfections & struggles in person as I am in my writing.
Dressing the children alike is not an attempt to make them same. My children's individuality is embraced (and quite clear) in person. They have not expressed any interest in dressing differently so far. I think of it more like a team wearing the same jerseys than it is about making them the same person.
I do want to do my best to raise children who are respectful of others and are loving and kind. And who have good manners. I think these are the things make tattling unattractive.
I should have just written another post. Ha. ha. I ran out of room on the previous one, so here is the continuation.
I agree that having the opinions of others serve as your driving force is dangerous business. For one thing, everyone has different expectations so you'd always be running in circles.
Take dressing them alike...I get as much grief for that as I do comments of approval. At the end of the day, I do it because I like it, it helps with keeping things orderly and it works for us.
Thanks again for good food for reflection this morning.
I have a long way to go and am definitely learning daily on this journey!
j - just read this entry on tattle tales and feel certain that this was about my child - H. Know as you struggle with worrying about what your peers think of you in regards to tattling, it is equally horrifying on the other end of it - and worrying about what your friends think of your child-rearing or lack there of, or your child as a person, or your parenting skills or lack there of. It is awful to be on this end and we will be working on this very closely. I feel your pain and have to closely examine my motives when reprimanding or disciplining and make sure it isn't out of frustration or embarrassment - instead it needs to be for them and the lessons they need to learn at the time. It doesn't need to be about me, it needs to be about the action/consequence. I tell my oldest - A, regarding tattling - I only want to hear about it if someone is hurting someone else, bleeding, or doing something that will injure themself or harm others. Other stuff usually has a way of working itself out if we stay out of it and not put our agendas in the mix. I feel your pain sista! Love - momof3boys
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