Heart Walks and Circus Tricks

This morning we participated in our community's annual heart walk in support friends of ours whose son had congenital cardiac defects. For the last several weeks as I thought about the approaching walk, I realized that I still had some unresolved emotional baggage. Of all things, the thought of that red survivor cap was more than I could bear.

Yesterday morning I was telling the children about our weekend plans. Of course, they wanted me to explain a Heart Walk. I told them it was a way to celebrate people who had been very sick, but were healed and healthy now. Hoping to alleviate some of the questions on 'the big day,' I explained that I would be wearing a red hat to signify our gratefulness that God had healed my very sick heart.

This led to my first ever attempt to explain to them how sick I was following their birth. I kept it very simple, but as my voice cracked and my eyes filled with tears, their eyes were the size of golf balls and marked by concern.
"Ma, you don't have to wear a red hat if it makes you sad," R offered.
"You can jus' wear the hat you wear at da beach," K continued.
Those sweet, precious children!

This morning I spent a great deal of time quietly talking it out with God. I wanted it to be a celebration of the health of our friends' child and NOT about me. I really thought God and I had sorted it out, until we turned down the block to the location of the walk and my heart started doing flip flops and I felt like jumping out of the moving car and running somewhere to hide.

As I explained to my husband, it is one thing to write about my story from behind a computer screen, it is another thing to wear a label as I interact with people face to face. I still cannot exactly describe why it was so emotional, but for the reality of 'what if' (which was more than a bit overwhelming.)

I also think my situation is complicated by the fact that I was 'out of it' during the most serious parts of my illness. Even when I was 'with it' I was unaware of the severity of my condition. So, rather than grieve it as it was happening, life just had to go on. There were three little people in the NICU demanding our attention.

Once we arrived at the walk site, there were cold children to deal with, people to greet and no time for tears. I donned my hat and joyfully walked the walk.

The afternoon was a wonderful break from the seriousness of the morning as we attended the circus. What fun it was to watch the greatest show on Earth through the eyes of our children. Of course they are all convinced they can do wild acrobatic tricks now and all other career plans have been put on hold in favor of pursuing a life with the circus!

I was so thankful we had been warned to bring our own snacks, the price gouging was unlike anything I have ever seen. Lemonade was $9 and those spinning light things? $20. Miraculously, we managed to make it out of there purchasing absolutely nothing!

I am saving money for a little giveaway prize, you know? :-)