Yesterday afternoon, I ran into a nearby gift shop to pick something up. As I stood at the counter completing my purchase, I could overhear two women behind me, in their mid-forties, gossiping about another woman. They were speaking in hushed, but harsh and judgmental tones. I was not trying to listen, I was simply within earshot. I must admit, though, that as I overheard the words "pregnant with triplets...lost them...fertility treatment...twin pregnancy" my curiosity was piqued. That is, until the woman doing the majority of the talking stopped whispering and loudly said something to the effect of, "serves her right, playing God like that. Clearly, there are reasons God chooses not to allow some people to have children." Both women cackled with laughter and my insides caught on fire. I felt like I had been slapped.
I simply could not believe how ignorant, unfeeling and hurtful their comments were! They were in a public place with three people (the two sales clerks and me) within earshot. They did not know our stories and they were giggling about someone else's fertility struggle.
My friends refer to me as the Equalizer, because I am often overcome by the need to "set people straight." I am not bragging about this, I am actually really trying to submit this weakness of mine to God. Even though I embrace the grace God has shown me, I too often want grace-less justice when it concerns other people. I have this need to let people know that I know what they did--and they aren't getting away with anything. (Again, I am not saying I think this is right, fair or good...it is just the truth about my fleshly struggle.)
As I was burning with anger and pain, I spun around and looked squarely into the eyes of the woman who was doing most of the talking. As our eyes met, I opened my mouth, planning to tell her how hurtful and ignorant I found her comments. She looked right at me and flashed a warm, friendly, clueless smile. She had no idea how her words had stung, she was just catching up with a friend as they shopped. I closed my mouth, turned away, signed my sales slip and darted out of the store before my anger won the battle.
It was a painful reminder on many fronts. First, how often do I carelessly talk about situations I only know the half of...shoes I have never walked in...judging how I would handle it "if it were me?"
Second, there are many, many people who do not understand fertility issues and who do believe we "played God" in the creation of our children. Most of them don't voice those thoughts to our face (although it has happened). I know it is complicated. We struggled with these very questions. We prayed, sought godly counsel, even attended a retreat for Christians dealing with infertility. In the end, we trusted the Sovereignty of God and sought Him every step of the way.
We reached the conclusion that God is bigger than Reproductive Endocrinologists and their procedures. If He wanted to close my womb permanently, He could have. A dear friend of mine was my nurse through our fertility journey. She has reminded me several times that God was absolutely involved in the creation of our children. According to science, they should not be here. My numbers were terrible, my eggs looked poor. Yet, sleeping upstairs right now, are three growing miracles, testimonies to the power of God to work through the science of man--that He created in the first place.
Should I have said something--attempted to enlighten these women? I am still not sure. I do know that I should not have spoken in my anger. I am glad I walked away when I did. I seriously considered going back a few minutes later. Could I have changed them? Almost certainly not. Can I learn from that encounter and allow God to change me? Definitely.
21 comments:
Thank you!
I am in the midst of infertility and I think about what those women said often. But I also know that I serve a God who promised to give me the desires of my heart if I delight in Him. And He has given wisdom to doctors to use them as His hand and feet. How is what you did and what we are on the verge of any different than treating cancer or having surgery?
You really can't understand unless you have been there - and it is nice to hear your thoughts from a woman who has been there and is on the other side with three wonderful blessings. It gives me hope. I like to smile and think that one day I will be on the other side of infertility and able to encourage the woman who are in the midst of it!
You are a stronger woman than I, for I most definitely would have said something. My roommate in college and I had a secret exchange whenever we encountered someone who lacked social grace. We would just say "School in the summer." Which we both knew meant "No class."
The women you encountered yesterday need to be educated. If not with the knowledge that 1 out of 6 couples struggle with infertility, than with the reminder that the loss of a child is never a laughing matter. Moreover, life cannot be created without God. How terribly sad that they would laugh at someone else's misfortune and heartbreak.
Even if your words didn't enlighten or change them, I guarantee - popping their tires would have at least slowed them down.
I feel that such people should be spoken to about what they say - these are mostly people who have not given one minute's intelligent thinking to what is coming out of their mouths and need to be brought to true realisation! You did very well to keep you cool, JMom, but don't feel it is always wrong to be an 'Equaliser' - this indicates that you have courage and conviction my dear. The best way to get the message through clearly is by using a calm, even tone - not always easy when in such situations though. I do so enjoy your blog - you are wonderfully gifted in this ministry, dear sister!
JMom, thank you. This post spoke to me so eloquently not about infertility in particular, but I have been both the target and the instegator of such judgements until God taught me such loving lessons on BOTH fronts about what it TRULY, SINCERELY means to "judge not." I have learned the hard way that this certainly includes even the most "obvious" of situations. No other person has had your background, your struggles, your upbringing or education - formal or informal. I had to learn that faith includes trusting God to right the wrongs that we may never get to see, to pray for my enemies WITH COMPASSION and to realize I didn't believe Him nearly so much as I thought I did. Now I'm trying hard every day to PRACTICE these lessons with many backslips along the way. It is hard. But your heart seems so beautifully designed for forgiveness. Your words hurt me so much for the sting you must have felt. I think your graciousness will surely be rewarded in their hearts in time. Your blog, and your incredible MIRACULOUS family, is a beautiful blessing to behold!!!
Wow, what a story! It sounds like the Spirit gave you a healthy dose of self-control to walk away instead of setting those women straight! Surely God's heart was blessed by your showing grace in that painful situation.
(I've just tried about 10 times to write a sentence that's not coming out the way I want it to. Basically, I want to say that I'm glad you're sure enough in God's will for your family that you didn't let their words make you feel guilty for the choices you and your husband made! Sorry I'm not saying that very eloquently!)
And I've certainly been guilty of passing judgment when I only know half the story -- usually not out loud in public, but in my thoughts or to my husband. Thank you for the reminder that God finds my self-righteous, ignorant judgments as offensive as whatever "wrong" I'm passing judgment on!
Jen,
I haven't been on or out in blogsville lately bec. my dad is very ill. But tonight I happen to be spending some time reading. Interesting that I should happen upon yours.. and this very story.
As I have been down the road of infertility.
I too have a, let's just say a personality of "passion" when it comes to setting the "story straight" so-to-speak!!
All I can say in my journey is that we are all victims of not having the whole story.I would hope that someone would grant me mercy and compassion and walk along side of me during that time. Chances are I have been wrong and will be again.
When I went through infertility treatments to conceive my daughter, the church (no less) came out with its own stand on our method of conceiving her. I was heartbroken because I felt like it was God's place to make this decision. I really struggled in my place in the church for sometime with this.
So much that I did not talk about it in fear of what "People" would say or talk about. So I lived in a secretive place about my struggles in trying to have our child. It's a lonely place.
Yes, the words from these women are hurtful. But I have found sugar on fire puts out a fire quicker than logs to the fire.
Surrendering our right like Jesus did when He went to the cross, is probably one of the most difficult things we will ever do...
Be blessed and thank you for allowing me to share my thought.
Connie
Wow-- You have given me lots and lots (no pun intended) of traffic!
I feel like I should know you from somewhere...but I am not sure...how or did you find me? Your blog name sounds very familiar.
And tell your husband, (coming from a medical student stuck in the world of academia) that I never knew there was such a thing as a private practice surgeon. No joke. I just assumed everyone worked at a teaching hospital ;)
I have never had to deal with infertility, but it is heartless that anyone would judge anothers decision to use fertility to have Children. It is the couples decision and obviously God honors it or children would not be concieved in the first place. Obviously there are risks but God can also honor those risks.
I too would not have been so kind. People need to be confronted on gossip especially when it hits so close to home. I wish you would have set them straight!
You and R. are blessed beyond measure, you have absolutely every right to be proud as punch at what you have done!!!!! I am so grateful the Lord chose to give you both these babies. Tell your story always J, people will respect you for it.
I call woman who gossip thundermuffins.
Oh, I am having to figure this one out as well, and it's hard! We have 2 bio. children and 1 adopted from China, and people feel free to say the strangest things to us in public. My daughter is only 20 months old now, but soon she will understand, & I just want to protect her from thoughtless comments.
The experience of hearing comments from strangers has made me much more sensitive to things I say about others, in situations I've never been in.
Sorry you had such an upsetting experience. I am always torn between standing up for my beliefs or just ignoring the offenders. I think I would have spoken to the ladies by saying I couldn't help overhearing some of their conversation and I am the Mother of triplets. Sometimes just a smile and a few kind words can help others to stop and think twice before talking about others.
J -
As a infertility "alumni," I have mixed feelings.
I often feel the need to defend those like me whose hearts yearned for a child but are having difficulties.
And, it is mixed with the knowledge that the only way one truly understands what it is like (how agonizing, humiliating, invasive, disappointing but joyous, thrilling, and exciting all at the same time) is to have gone through it.
I received some wonderful, unconditional support from several folks but, unfortunately, my experience overall showed me that either most people have no understanding and don't want to OR try to understand and can be inadvertently awkward and/or cruel.
If nothing else, those women needed to know that gossip of ANY kind is wrong, cruel, and sinful. The fact that it was about infertility just makes for salt in the wound.
My husband and I had a conversation the other day that really applies here. He was telling me a story about a friend (who happens to an auto mechanic) who was driving an old church bus for an outing. Something went wrong with the bus mechanically before they even left the church, and all the adults gathered to pray about the situation. After about 5 minutes or so of praying for provision and intervention, the driver walked away from the group praying and popped the hood on the bus. Another man approached him and asked why he had left the group. The driver replied "Well, don't you think God gave me knowledge and abilities for a reason?" Sometimes we run across a mentality in churches where folks tend to believe that prayer is the only way God fixes things. Don't get me wrong, I'm not discounting prayer at all, but I think that it's important to make sure that there's a balance. I think about my blog buddy, Julia, who after 11 miscarriages gave birth to twins 3 days ago. God is bigger than any RE....
I have the opposite problem. I usually walk away when I know in my heart that I should speak up! Timidity is my issue. I avoid confrontation at all costs - to a fault. I felt the heat rise up in me as I read your post. The older I get the less judgemental I get. We never know the whole situation. . . You are so correct! Amen, J-Mom!!
What a wonderful post! It's a hard thing to know when to say something to somebody who's spouting off ignorance; anger never really changes a heart, and I am rarely able to speak calmly when I'm offended! On the other hand, I'm sure I've been one of the ignorant before, too! I guess I just need to take a deep breath before I say anything at all :)
I always love reading your posts; they never fail to make me think! And happy new year to you guys, too!
I read this when you posted it and it has been bothering me since I read it. Every now and again I find myself thinking of you and how you must have felt standing there and overhearing this. I suffer from pregnancy loss and secondary infertility, but my cousin suffered many years of infertility until she conceived her triplets through IUI. Each of them are a miracle. I don't understand why people continue to say things like it is "playing God" --they don't say that when people have surgery to remove cancers. They don't say that when they drive cars instead of using the legs God gave them and walking.
People are insensitive and hurtful. I am SO sorry you had to hear this. *I* think your triplets are a testiment to God and the miracles that he can bring to us.
What a strong woman of God you are. Your posts are amazing...your beautiful heart comes through in each one.
God did give you those sweet babies...no matter what anyone says (or doesn't say.) I'm so sorry for the pain those insensitive women caused. They are truly ignorant to God and His ways. I praise him that we are not.
As someone who has also struggled with infertility and was recently blessed with a daughter, I echo your thoughts completely!
I may be showing my ignorance here, or I may be hurting the feelings of someone. Not having had infertility problems, I do not know first had the struggle of the process. What I do know is just this: Life cannot be made without the breath of life that only our Creator can give. I firmly believe that if families conceive, carry, and birth children, the Lord willed it to be so. Regardless of the process it took to get them there. He works ALL THINGS together for the good of those who love Him.
I am glad you held your tongue. It is such a hard thing to do when someone is so grotesquely mean spirited. Ladies of that age should simply know better. Although, I can't point to fast, because I know my mouth gets away from me at times, too. It is a good reminder for me to guard my tongue more carefully.
Not to dwell on the past Sweet Equalizer, but you should have set them straight, in my opinion. They would have never forgotten that, and (hopefully) never done it again. All we can do is assume the best of people, that they weren't really trying to hurt anyone's feelings to their face, and help them out for the future. Don't EVER feel badly for wanting to speak up, you could be the light in their day by opening their eyes to how hurtful they can be. I love you, sweet sister...by the way...who was it? Just kidding!
I can't believe how much I have thought about your post. I'm sure you were shocked and embarrassed and angry you heard words that made you feel accused; but the only thing truly wrong here is those women were insensitive enough to speak their minds in a public place. To reprimand them would have felt good-- but in the end, why is it up to you to teach them manners? Because certainly they are entitled to their own opinions, even if they seem cruel to you. There is an important quote “If there is a bedrock principle underlying the First Amendment, it is that the Government may not prohibit the expression of an idea simply because society finds the idea itself offensive or disagreeable.”
— Supreme Court Justice William Brennan. Kind of wordy, but it gets to the point that political correctness is getting out of hand. If I have an opinion on fertility treatments, I am allowed to express it in our free society, despite whom it may offend. Yes, they were rude. But you must recognize they probably NEVER would have spoken so freely had they thought anyone nearby would be offended. If you had yelled at those women, they would have been mortified and probably angry that you felt you needed to reprimand them. AND if they ever saw you again, they would NOT be happy to see you! I am glad you kept your temper and sorry that you were hurt.
WOW - hot topic :)
I think you should have spoken up - it's the prophecy motivational gift inside of you. I don't think it's ever wrong to speak up but we must speak the truth in love.
Your kids are definitely straight from God - I agree with the others who said it's all in God's hand anyway but we need to use what He has given us - infertility specialists:)
Happy New Year
(those energy posts made me LOL - I am longing for the day when I have those energy problems too :))
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