When I started blogging over two years ago, one of the first handful of people I do not know 'in real life' to read and comment was a woman named Patricia. Fairly early on I learned that she was dealing with an infertility diagnosis and I started praying for her periodically.
I am in an interesting subset of people who've dealt with infertility. The basics of my story are in this post, but I was diagnosed with issues after only 4 months of trying to conceive. Within 6 months of my diagnosis, I was pregnant. Although my journey was short, I can completely identify with the feelings of helplessness and the terror of not knowing if this will be the month or if it will be years before you conceive--if ever.
The fact that these feelings are compressed into a monthly roller coaster ride of monitoring, numbers, pills, shots, ultrasounds, blood tests--not to mention the moral, spiritual and ethical questions it raises in your heart and mind--added to the fact that your hormones are being tinkered with makes for an exhausting struggle. Additionally, your spouse is in this fight with you...but very differently, as it is generally only one of your bodies that has issues.
As a side note, one of the interesting things about having high order multiples is that you are still identified as having fertility issues for years to come. Every time people see my children they wonder (and frequently ask) which prohibits you from ever moving too far away from remembering how you ended up here. I have chosen to see this as a way to build little alters to God's faithfulness in my life.
Anyway, when I learned Patricia was reading (or when others share their infertility with me even now, for that matter) I felt guilty. I won the baby jackpot: Three children, mixed genders, and but for some minor issues, they are remarkably bright and healthy. I want to shout from the rooftops how grateful I am to God for His goodness to me--but not at the risk of rubbing salt in the wounds of others.
I cannot express the joy I felt when I read of the latest in Patricia's journey today. She is pregnant! Her first pregnancy this Summer ended in miscarriage. She is now cautiously joyful about this little one growing in her womb. As I read today's post, I was taken back to one of the great lessons of my pregnancy: Do not allow the Enemy to steal your joy.
Throughout my pregnancy I travelled back and forth to Atlanta to see a perinatologist. Every few weeks I would drive the hour or so to his office for an ultrasound. Because of the frequency of the visits and the demands of my husband's job, I was often alone. I was filled with fear each time I drove to his office. I was generally sobbing for several minutes of the journey overwhelmed by the statistics and likelihood of complications or fetal demise. As I ultimately shared this fear with dear friends, I was reminded that the Enemy comes to steal, kill and destroy us--that includes our joy--but Jesus came to give us life. I had to draw a line in the sand and refuse to allow him to take my joy.
One of my deepest regrets is that I did not understand this earlier--that I did not savor each moment of my only pregnancy. I allowed fear to win some battles. My prayer for Patricia, is that she will stand strong in God's promises that He has a plan for her.
I also pray that the Lord will help me remember this as I walk through this life. Although fertility issues are a beast I no longer have to fear, there will undoubtedly be others. Lord, help me to retain the lessons You are teaching me on the journey--especially the ones that were so painful to learn. I'd rather not have to experience those lessons again!
4 comments:
I cannot thank you enough for this lesson. It is a vitally important one for me to learn and one I have come up short on throughout this journey. I feel ashamed that it takes this blessed pregnancy to remind me to enjoy every single moment that God gives me.
I may be a lurker on your blog, but I gain so much wisdom and insight from my visits here. I am in awe of your heart for the Father and consider it a privilege to get glimpses of your journey with Him and with your family.
With God’s help, I will no longer allow worry or fear to rob me of the joy of this experience!
What a beautiful post of encouragement. While I never struggled with infertility, my sister did and I ached with her through every step. I couldn't take the pain, but I can share the joy that she now has 2 healthy little girls. Thanks for sharing your story for all of those who need to hear it.
Thanks for sharing this beautiful post. Although I've not struggled with infertility, what hit me in your post was enjoying every moment in a pregnancy. That's what I'd really like to do in this first pregnancy...and it's a good reminder.
After our infertility struggle, we were thrilled to finally be pregnant yet cautious as we were given the stats and warnings about possible negative outcomes with a triplet pregnancy. Because of Kelly's job (lots of travel) I went to most of my appointments alone as well. And I will forever remember the day that I was told to go directly to the hospital (I was only 18 weeks). I have never in my life been so afraid and felt so alone. I remembering sobbing in the admission waiting area wondering how I could possibly move forward if I were to lose these babies. Admission for the duration of my pregnancy (from 22 weeks until I deliverd at 31 weeks) forced me to be still and amazingly allowed me to gain much needed perspective about the joy of being pregnant. There are times that I feel sad about not having experienced a "normal" pregnancy and then I am reminded how incredibly blessed I am to have had any pregnancy at all. And to have three healthy children despite the statistics. Thanks for the reminder today. Blessings to you and your family.
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