This age is amazing. I spend my day either frustrated by the lack of reason, logic and self control of my three year olds or astounded at their budding preferences, personalities, imaginations and ideas. As I fall more in love with my little people with each passing day, fear is attempting to creep into my heart about where this is all heading.
As I squint to look at their sweet faces in dim light as I tuck them in at night, I feel a little pain in my heart. Somewhere, deep down, I am fighting the growing awareness that each in their own way will likely one day break my heart.
I don't mean to imply that it will be an intentional act--although it might be. I just know as a mother, a woman, a person who has experienced a few decades of life and love, heartbreak comes with the territory.
We are fallen people who live in a fallen world and inevitably we let each other down. Whether it be poor choices, hurtful words or tragic circumstances the gamble of life and love is pain. A mother's heart must also be mindful of the pain we will feel as we watch our children experience love, loss and disappointment.
I am not a pessimist. I am generally not a worrier or a fearful person. I am a realist. A deep thinker. A control freak who thinks being mentally and emotionally prepared for what "could happen" might somehow spare me from deep pain when it does.
I have been trying to figure out what God wants me to do with these thoughts. I know we are told not to worry about tomorrow. I know we serve a Sovereign God who teaches us to love extravagantly. How would God have me use this realization of what is likely to come in order to be more prepared?
I think the first answer is prayer. I want a closer walk with God that leads to the development of spiritual disciplines so I may be better able to hear God's voice and respond in a godly manner when the time comes.
The second answer seems to be an unshakable commitment to insuring my children KNOW they are unconditionally loved. I experienced a test in this today. K was reprimanded for playing with something fragile I had repeatedly told her not to touch. I sent her to Time Out and she cried, "I want my Daddy. I want him--not you!"
As I went to talk to her at the end of her time out, she had her head down, pouting on the stairs. She looked up through her messy curls, bottom lip protruding and said softly,"I don't want to talk to you right now, Mommy."
"Are you angry with Mommy because I wouldn't let you play with the clock?"
She was angry because she wasn't getting her way. She rejected me in her anger and her little words stung my heart. I felt like I was getting a glimpse of a scene 10 years from now. Wisdom, Lord.
I leaned down and kissed her on the head and said, "I love you even when you are angry at me."
Then I walked into the kitchen to unload the dishwasher. Within 30 seconds she bounded into the room like nothing had ever happened and started to help me.
Relationships. People. Communication. Love. It is all what makes the world go round, but it sure is messy sometimes!