I have recently had a painful realization. I am more selfish now than I ever was before becoming a wife and mother. If I am completely honest, I have to admit it is difficult for me to serve my family without wanting to "get my due." Subconsciously, I resent not being able to do what I want to do, when I want to do it. This manifests itself in subtle ways. I don't exercise because I don't want to. I eat what I want, when I want, even when I know it is not healthy. I don't have a daily quiet time because I can't carve out the time (yet I manage to blog). If I want something, I buy it. The list goes on and on.
My excuses would all be heard with great understanding from "the world." I work hard. I tithe. I volunteer a lot. My husband works twice as much as most people I know. I am a nice person. I am not accumulating debt. I have 3 toddlers. I am stressed out. Nobody's perfect. Don't be so hard on yourself. At least I am not as bad as so-and-so. Blah. Blah. Blah.
The bottomline is that I have been making excuses far too long. I reached a point last week, where I was tired of hearing my own excuses. Thankfully, God put a wonderful friend of mine in the same place at the same time. We struggle with the same issues of greed, control and lack of discipline...so the accountability has been crucial.
Most difficult, has been sharing this struggle with my precious spouse. I respect and admire him so much. I want him to be proud of me. Having to expose my yuckiness to him is humbling. It is also the ultimate accountability. He has handled this season with great grace and love and has been such an encouragement to me as I have laid some of my most deeply entrenched bad habits before God. What an amazing man! What a picture of God's love for me.
There is no summary point to this post, because I am just starting the process...Dealing with sin and selfishness is hard. I feel like scales have been taken off my eyes and I am realizing just how self-centered I can be in my daily life. Even still, I feel like the Holy Spirit is gently guiding me through these waters and showing me much love and grace.
Last night, I discovered this song by the David Crowder Band. It seemed to sum up so much of where I am. God is definitely at work in my life.
I am full of earth, You are heaven's worth
I am stained with dirt prone to depravity
You are everything that is bright and clean
The antonym of me, You are divinity
But a certain sign of grace is this:
From the broken earth, flowers come up pushing through the dirt
You are holy, holy, holy. All heaven cries "Holy, holy God."
You are holy, holy, holy. I want to be holy like you are.
You are everything that is bright and clean and You're covering me with Your majesty
And the truest sign of grace was this:From wounded hands redemption fell down, liberating man.
You are holy, holy, holy. All heaven cries "Holy, holy God."
You are holy, holy, holy. I want to be holy like you are.
But the harder I try, the more cleary can I feel the depth of our fall and the weight of it all
And so this might could be the most impossible thing: Your grandness in me making me clean.
Glory, hal-le-lu-jah Glory, Glory, hal-le-lu-jah
So here I am All of me Finally everything
Wholly, wholly, wholly
I am wholly, wholly, wholly. I am wholly, wholly, wholly.....Yours
I am full of earth and dirt and You.
I really struggled with whether or not to write this post. Some things, especially one's dirty laundry, should arguably not be aired. I wrote this, prayed over it and sought Godly counsel. In the end, I felt led to be vulnerable. I trust that God will use my testimony...my life that is certainly a messy work in progress...to challenge others to not listen to the world and all the excuses it gives us. Listen, instead, for your Saviour and what He wants to tell you. He loves you in spite of your sin...and loves you entirely too much to leave you there.
Edited to add: Keri left this quote in the comments. It seemed too wonderful not to add: "Our trembling souls may object and say, ‘I am daily a sinner, I sin again and again; how then shall I be sure that I am still forgiven?’ He is more ready to forgive than you are to sin; and there is a continual spring of wickedness in you, so there is a greater spring of mercy in God for His people.” -Richard Sibbes
23 comments:
Oh...it hurts to read this. I can relate 100%! Thanks for your honesty.
I can tell you that the reason you felt peace about posting this after seeking the Lord's counsel is because of me. I struggle with so much of the same things .... selfishness. For the past 2 weeks, I haven't been able to get away from the things God is trying to tell me in this area. I'm slowly revealing some things to my husband. He's precious and says I'm being much too hard on myself, but I know it's conviction.
Thank you so much for posting. God will truly use this post to glorify Him....He already has.
It's always hard to face our own ugliness, that's why so many people don't! There is no shame in not being "perfect", and I admire your frankness in your struggle to better your walk. If I got into my laundry list with God that I am struggling with, we could talk ALL day!
Oh my goodness, THANK YOU Jen! How easy it is to overlook the obvious areas of sin in our lives because it's become such a deeply entrached way of living. Thank goodness the Lord is faithful to remove those scales when we ask Him to. I'm right there with you, I think selfishness, manifested in countless ways, is a struggle for most of us. I truely believe that the best way to empty ourselves of self is to fill ourselves with the Lord. And only He can get us there.
Sarah
God bless you and thank you my sweet sister in Christ for ministering to me and others as well.
this is raw...transparent...real...and its so hard to put yourself out there like that..i'm encouraged by your honesty.
rusty often uses this quote when leading worship:
“Our trembling souls may object and say, ‘I am daily a sinner, I sin again and again; how then shall I be sure that I am still forgiven?’ He is more ready to forgive than you are to sin; and there is a continual spring of wickedness in you, so there is a greater spring of mercy in God for His people.” -Richard Sibbes
...i love that...He is more ready to forgive than you are to sin. it truly is amazing grace...
Well, we know math is not my strong suit,but my my calculator's calculations, there are over three HUNDRED people per day who visit your blog.
How many lives did you touch today with your honesty? No telling.
God will bless your willingness to share this part of your life.
Right there with you. Motherhood has been the greatest mirror for my selfishness...I have come to see it as my #1 battle...every single struggle goes right back to that. Love your honesty, Jen - thanks for being bold to share this with all of us!
I am a reader who drinks in your words of life, words of experience, words of joy, and words of vulnerability. I have two set of "like twins," adopted and very close in age (boy and girl 3 yrs old; boy and girl 6 yrs old) and since becoming a mom, I have never read anything that sums up my heart's struggle as your words did today. I intend to print it out and pray about your struggle which is actually my struggle. Thank you for giving me a handle to hold. I will pray for your journey, and for mine. I trust that God will use it to stretch, mold and refine. Keep on keeping on!!!!! Just Clay
I agree w/what Boomama said, since becoming a mom I have learned how selfish I am. You are not alone and it sounds like you are handling it in the right way.
Thanks for sharing this.
THANK YOU so much for your honesty ... for being willing to sacrifice your pride for the sake of transparency and allowing the Holy Spirit to work through you. You have touched my life in some remarkable ways through your blog, but I think this post really hit me between the eyes. I'm right there with you ... ready to give up every excuse, ready to forsake every sin that so easily entangles.
Coming out of my "bloggy fast" to encourage you...Would you believe I posted something similar yesterday? *wink* http://twolittlevikings.blogspot.com/2007/05/transparent.html All in God's timing, eh?
Blessings on your self-search for all that's keeping you from all you can acheive in Him! ((hugs))
I know I'm not supposed to say this, but be kind to yourself as you struggle with these issues. Surely, if another person came to you and asked for forgiveness you would grant it. It is important to grant that same forgiveness to ourselves. But, oh can I ever relate!
I have found that God is good at showing me my sins by mirroring them in somebody else. I'll see or hear something that makes me say "That sounds just like me and, frankly, it's not pretty."
I have also found that, as my children grow older and I have more time to myself, I have not been so possessive of that "me" time because it is not so rare.
Thank you for this post. It is comforting for each of us to see that we are not the only one to struggle with issues that make our hearts heavy.
The way you feel is all too common, I'm sure. I know I feel that way. I have a hard time reminding myself to be a Proverbs 31 woman when I feel like I'm doing everything for the kids and the house. But thankfully God is there, to pick me up when my thoughts are at their worst. You are so lucky to have an accountability friends...I really wish that I had one of those...the struggle might be more bearable.
Wow Jen. That hits me hard.
I used to think that motherhood sapped most of my selfishness out of me. Afterall, don't I now dedicate my entire day to the needs of others? Aren't I a 24-hr servant?!? But I've come to see that even when I'm not being self-centred in appearance (with many young children, I can easily look the role of a martyr), my heart can be utterly selfish at the core.
I can serve others, running myself raggid meeting their needs, but operating out of a sense of pride, or even self-pity. All the while I miss the point.
How thankful I am for God's mercy, His endless patience and His abounding love!!!
"How great is the love the Father has LAVISHED on us, that we should be called children of God. And that is what we are!" 1 John 3:1
Chris in Canada
Wow! You've written my story too. Please know that you are not alone in this. However, you're honesty is quite refreshing. I am struggling with major convictions in my life at this moment with alot of focus on the chaos of our life on a day to day basis. God is revealing Himself in amazing ways to me - even through your beautiful writings.
On a lighter note, but, somewhat relevent - I read a book..."Quaker Summer" that I believe was mentioned on Rocks in My Dryer (please forgive me if I am incorrect) It's about a mom with so many of the struggles we face. It's a quick and funny read - but, revealing and one that I've walked away with and quite frequently remember imporant points gleaned.
Again, thank you for such honesty. You have spoken to many, many of us.
Shannon
Just like others have said, I too can relate, and I so admire you for putting it all out there. That does not come easily for me. It's tough raising a house full of little ones (you know I understand that!). Persevere, my dear friend, for we have been given such a great job. I know God will bless you for all of your efforts.
Every mom needs to read that! It's oh so easy to fall into that trap, I do it constantly and I haven't even been a mom all that long. I feel so tired and exhausted and I use that I justify everything. The holy spirit is at work scraping away our sins through sanctification and often it is painful!
I really appreciate your honesty and authenticity.
I don't know why, but I thought that motherhood would make me a less selfish person. But instead, I've discovered that I'm just as selfish, only now I feel more convicted about it!
I can really relate to your comment that you want your spouse to be proud of you. My husband is so encouraging. But I feel like I must really disappoint him.
Sin is such a heavy burden sometimes.
I just found your blog this morning, and I am so thankful that I did. What a testimony...it is so honest and exactly what so many of us need to read and share with one another. I know I have been struggling with this and you have touched my heart with your post. I will be back to read more. I am so thankful to have found your blog. Have a blessed day and I am joining in prayer for you as well.
Thanks, Jen. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Just this morning I was giving myself a speech about how thankful and appreciative I should be about all I have...because too often lately I get bent out of shape because I don't have as much "me" time as I'd like. And I feel guilty for wanting it as much as I do. I wanted to be a mother more than anything for so long and couldn't. And now I feel guilty when I want time to myself...I think we all go through this. Thank you for your honesty.
♥
I'm just reading this post, and I have to tell you that it speaks to me in such a deep way. I think one of the greatest lies of motherhood is that mothers are selfless, when in fact, I know it has caused me to be more selfish of my time, my things, my wants.
Thank you for your honesty, Jen. It's good to know that others share these struggles.
Ouch. I was doing fine until you mentioned indulgences. :) I so struggle with this! Thank you for sharing your heart (and apparently some of mine). :)
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