I don't think it is an accident that I did not write this last night...because the last 24 hours have changed the content a great deal. I have been in a little bit of a funk the last few months, but God has resurrected my attitude this weekend. I am writing this down for much-needed accountability when my focus gets skewed again.
I have giggled as some of you sweet women have kindly nominated me for the "Thinking Blogger" award. I am truly flattered, but also painfully aware that the fact that I am such a thinker can really be a downfall. I can get so caught up in my analysis of things that I often end up making the issue much bigger than it should be.
For example, I have been drafting a post in my head about motherhood for the past 24 hours...how hard it is and how overwhelmed I sometimes feel by the importance of the work. I have been wrestling with the balance of working hard and with excellence as described in Colossians 3:23 ("Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord...") and having grace for myself and faith that our Sovereign Lord would fill in the gaps where my flesh failed.
No doubt, motherhood IS a HUGE job. Each day, I look at these 3 precious little people and realize that there are dozens of character traits, hundreds of life lessons and thousands of practical things that I AM RESPONSIBLE for teaching them. Yet, the tyranny of the urgent means that there are bills to pay, noses to wipe, diapers to change, meals to provide, a husband to love...and time keeps ticking. Lately, I have been operating more out of my own fleshly capabilities and less out of a true, pure reliance on God. The result has been increased frustration as I poured myself out, trying to do everything perfectly, only to have my kiddos (as my friend, Cindy, puts it) "still act like 2 year olds."
The more I thought about all this, the more overwhelmed I became. I know some changes I need to make that would help immensely. I need more time in Scripture. I need to rely more on God and less on myself. Yet, I keep making lists, making vows and thinking about it all instead of putting my money where my mouth is.
During naptime today, I searched my concordance for everything the Bible had to say about parenthood. Interestingly, in comparison to some of the other topics covered in Scripture, there was very little specifically about parenthood. It reminded me that, as usual, I was over-complicating things. In John 15, Jesus tells us to remain in Him. I love God. I think about God a lot. I talk about Him, read about Him and write about Him. But, truthfully, I do not necessarily remain in Him. We are told that apart from Him we can do nothing of lasting significance, but promised that if we remain in Him we will bear fruit. In Galatians, that fruit is described specifically--and it is eerily similar to the list of virtues I desire my children to grow into. :-)
As the children woke up from their naps and we went outside to play, I was reminded that my life is full. My husband is truly more than I could ever ask for or imagine--and I have great kids. Ninety percent of the time, I adore my little life. Yes, sometimes it is hard--but isn't the payoff so incredibly worth it? So, WHY am I choosing to spend so much of my time perseverating on the slice of time that is hard? Why would I allow that to steal my joy?
Tonight, I can honestly say, I am thankful for the challenges--because they keep me very humble. They remind me that I CANNOT do this without Christ. Biblical parenthood, it seems, is a fairly straightforward concept: Model a true love of God for your children--allowing the overflow from this rich relationship with Christ to spill out onto your family. "But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." Matthew 6:33 (NIV)
Lord, thank you for the challenges that keep me at the foot of the cross--abiding--since that is the only place real fruit can come from anyway.
12 comments:
Now as I get so close to becoming a parent myself, can I only begin to imagine how you are feeling. Just know that you have already taught me tons about motherhood through our friendship and this platform. Thanks!!
I just started reading a book tonite that some moms at church are going to begin studying. A Mother's Heart by Jean Flemming. (I think) I cannot seem to put it down and have already realized many, many areas that I need to work on. I had already thought about passing on the title to you, but after reading this post, I'm pretty convinced you'd be on board with everything she writes and find much encouragement from her. It is such a reminder that so much starts with us as moms...things we have to learn before we can teach them to our children.
just remember that no matter how many things you think you can do to change or be a better mother...He is fully pleased with you and fully loves you. i often get stuck in that funk of feeling that if i only read my bible more or prayed more then i would be better...although it may be somewhat true, i will still continue to struggle and fail and sin and it will then remind me that i desperately need Him...and our Father gives us everything we need...he gives us everything he has given his Son...that is amazing! anyway, we are in this parenthood race with you! thanks for sharing your thoughts...thoughts that many of us don't know how to express quite like you do! (the book renee mentioned is a favorite of a friend of mine...i need to read it too!)
There's great wisdom in this post, Jen. Thanks for sharing it. It does seem so overwhelming some days to realize that it's up to me to turn this child into a God-loving, productive member of society. Glad to know I'm not alone in those thoughts and that with Christ, we will both bear fruit.
What a blessing to read this...just what I needed tonight. Thank you for being so honest!
What a blessing that post was to me. It is a good reminder that yes parenting is difficult. But No, it can not be done without the Lord. I must remain in Him for all of my life to seem a bit more in order. Truthfully, I need to have the Lord to raise my chhildren. I would really hate to think what would happen if I did it "on my own".
It is impossible to do it all own your own. You do a great job - with his help - and humbling is sometimes the best medicine; however, you are an incredible mother. I am very lucky to know you!!!
Well said, sister! I ebb and wane with that "overwhelmed-ness". The difference between one and the other? The amount of time I spend with Him. And, (*sigh*) I agree we make it overly complicated when it's really that simple.
I really enjoy your blog--your photos, your funny stories, your honesty and self-reflection.
You seem to care a LOT (a lot! a lot!) about how people view you and your children.....the attempt at perfection in the eyes of others can be exhausting, both physically and emotionally.
Those people who observe you in real life (up close and from afar) will love you even more if you and your children project vulnerability, anxiety, imperfection, and a bit of misbehavior and chaos, too.
Your own demands for perfection are not only self-destructive, but also disheartening to others who compare themselves to you! (and try to keep up!)
It's OK to appear in public sloppily dressed with messy faces, to have guests in one's home when it's looking dirty or cluttered, or to allow others to see us when we're falling apart, literally, at the seams. These qualities only make you MORE appealing to the rest of us, who are trying hard ourselves to keep our families afloat.
You remind me of myself sometimes. :)
Pam- I know you are right.
I wish you knew me in real life because you would know my car is a disaster, most days my kids' hair is not brushed (thank heavens for bows for Kate) and our clothes are stained more often than not. I really do think the rub is with trying to do things with excellence--not perfection--just excellence. I just want to know at the end of the day I did my best for my family. I think this is Biblical. (Look at the Proverbs 31 woman) The challenge is to insure our motivation is to bring glory to God not ourselves. On the surface this is my desire, sometimes deeper it gets a little cloudy. I am DEFINITELY a work in progress.
JenMom~I am coming in here late; I hope you are still reading the comments for this post.
Oh, you are so NOT alone with these mom issues. I have had them since the day I found out I was PREGNANT! (Should I color my hair? Take Tylenol? Listen to loud music?!!) My sweet boys are teenagers now and I still PRAY every night that I am raising honorable, kind, pure, sweet Christian men. NO PRESSURE, right?!! : )
I remember thinking I was a pretty decent mom to young kids. I worked SO hard (like you) to make days and days of good memories. Okay, here's the funny part: when I ask them if they remember doing "this" fun thing or "that" meaningful thing back in the day, they say, "Um, no m'am. Sorry!"!!! Ugh! So I'm thinking ALL that great stuff I thought I was doing didn't necessarily stick! BUT what that also tells me is that the mistakes probably didn't seem to "stick" SO much either!!
You know, I think the fact that you are even worried about those l-o-n-g days, and hard times when you aren't doing it ALL as well as you wished, means that you ARE a great mom! If you didn't care, you wouldn't be worried about it! I think God - AND our children - give us tons of grace every day. I can tell that you love them so much (heck, the way you talk about them makes ME love them!) I just wanted to let you know that most of us have felt exactly the way you feel, and that you are not alone!
EXCELLENT post :)
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