Tonight even as I tucked him in for the night, there was a minor tiff. I left his room with a huge sigh--feeling frustrated that I can't seem to reach his heart much these days. I went to my husband and we talked through some things. As I started to head back downstairs, I paused in his doorway to take in the sight of my beautiful sleeping boy.
I crawled in his bed and lay next to him to listen to him breathe--and to pray for God to stop the cycle where he & I are stuck.
As I laid there in the dark, not butting heads but simply taking him in, I remembered him as a little boy of 4...with pudgy fingers (that he sucked) and chunky legs he'd wrap around me. It seemed as if God started transforming my perspective on the spot--whispering to my heart:
I did not give you this boy as a wild stallion to be broken.
Your child is not something broken to be fixed.
No, this is your son, to be loved.
And as my defenses were melted away, I realized that God is actually using that intense, passionate, verbal, opinionated, bright little man to break the wild stallion in me...to remind me of the broken parts of my heart He has used decades of sanctification to lovingly piece back together. I am reminded that my Heavenly Father is abundantly patient with me.
I am to do the same with my fella that is testing the muscles of his own will--and trying to learn to fly. He's not quite ten. We have a lot of years together. I don't want to be so busy 'weeding' I forget to sow seeds. I want home to be a place of acceptance, not just improvement.
Lord, I pray tomorrow--when he's awake--that I remember the sweet lesson from the peace of tonight. There's not a parenting book in the world that can trump Your example and Your Word:
I adore my boy. I wouldn't fight so hard for him if he weren't so important to me. But 'fighting' is the wrong verb. May I lay down my weapons and open up my arms to love.
"We love because he first loved us." I John 4:19