Ever had one of those days when you just want to hide from the world? For reasons that I cannot even describe, I had one of those today. It was dreary, with rain falling steadily all day long. I didn't want to get out of bed. I didn't want to be productive. But there were four people in my home who wanted things from me...like meals and my company. We were also having five neighborhood families to our house for dinner. I didn't have the luxury of hiding out in my pajamas all day.
I gave myself a little pep talk and made the choice to get it together. The feelings didn't follow as quickly as I had hoped they would. I started feeling guilty. I flogged myself internally for my selfish desire for a day alone with no responsibility. I chastised myself for not being joyful about the blessing of children and a husband with the day off from work. I labeled myself an ungrateful brat.
There was an exhausting wrestling match within me all day long--the me I know I 'should be' was fighting an epic battle against how I was really feeling. I couldn't quite get my emotions in check. The more I wrestled internally, the grumpier I got. Frankly, my family just stayed out of my way.
I felt like a hypocrite. How can I write about peace, love, joy, embracing the moment...and still get in such inner turmoil? The answer here has a lot to do with hormones I am afraid. But, honestly, I don't think that is license to be unkind to the people in my life on a regular basis.
I did not like some of the glimpses I got of myself today. I found myself confessing all this grossness to a couple of friends tonight. I cannot tell you the relief it brought for them to listen without judgment. They seemed to identify and understand. Turns out, they've been there. Knowing I was not alone settled me down. I didn't just want to behave better. I want to be more like Jesus on the inside.
It also led to a conversation about why women read blogs. We concluded it is largely because they can serve as a barometer of sorts to let us know we are Ok. We aren't the only crazy ones.
I cry for reasons I can't always define.
I love my family fiercely and yet I can be harsher than I intend.
I desire to give & serve joyfully but get all tripped up in my own selfishness.
I pray for deliverance and return right back to the same patterns of sin.
I am harder on tender hearts than I want to be.
I forget to nurture and care for the heart of my spouse.
I get tired.
I forget important things.
I have a hard time with balance.
And even though I KNOW I am not the only one, I feel like it sometimes.
Woman, you are not alone in this. We serve a Savior who walked this Earth and understands human emotions. I love the reminder from Hebrews:
We don't have a priest who is out of touch with our reality. He's been
through weakness and testing, experienced it all—all but the sin. So
let's walk right up to him and get what he is so ready to give. Take the
mercy, accept the help.
Hebrews 4:15-16 The Message
Not only are you understood, you are LOVED by your Creator/Savior (and most likely a lot of other people too.) Jesus is not the one lording this list of things you must do to be accepted over your life. That pressure you are feeling to perform is not from Him. As a matter of fact, He said:
“Come to me, all you who are weary
and burdened, and I will give you rest.Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am
gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30 NIV
I pray these words will fall fresh on our souls and that we may walk in authentic relationship with the Lord and with each other. May our interactions serve as reminders to one another that we are dearly loved imperfections and all! It is not about 'doing' differently, it is about being changed on the inside...and that is a process.
"Let us not grow weary..." Tomorrow is a new day.