At the risk of sounding like a middle school girl, I have a confession to make: I always feel surprisingly insecure in the Summer. (and it is not just about swimsuits)
Nine months out of the year I am able to find a rhythm even in the most hectic of weeks. Mondays I work out, go to the grocery store and clean my house, Tuesdays I have Bible Study and coffee or lunch with a friend, etc... Our after school routine varies based on the sports season, but we still know with some degree of predictability what we will be doing and who we will be with.
Summer sends me for a loop. People are coming and going with their Summer vacations. Each week the schedule changes and the faces & places are different. Even a semi-regular afternoon trip to the pool is a game of play date roulette--for me and for the children. While there are parts of this adventure that I relish, I have been struggling with feeling like I am starting a new school each week--trying to find my place, tired of starting over, longing to just be comfortable and understood.
I have mixed feelings about this lesson. I am exposed to different people and conversations than normal, which is refreshing. But, honestly, I am terrible at small talk. The older I get the more I dread social situations because they feel a bit like 'speed dating.' I feel like conversation becomes a frenetic effort to lob out balls and see if anything sticks as being common ground. I just want to go deep or go home. A precious friend of mine told me last Summer, "Not everybody is ready for your kind of authenticity." I am still sorting through whether that was a compliment or not. :-)
I do enjoy getting to know people in a deeper way. I love connecting unexpectedly with another wife/mom/woman--but it can be exhausting. Some days I just miss my community. I am reminded again that as much as 'freedom' is nice, there is amazing security within structure.
I am writing about this because when I brought this up with some girlfriends at the pool recently, I found that all of us were feeling the same way. It was a sense of relief when we realized "it's not just me."
I am also confessing it because I wish I weren't this way. I have long had a heart for outreach, but 'inreach' is becoming increasingly more comfortable and that saddens me. I am praying God will help me trust HIM that He orchestrates even the small things of my life...like who I wind up encountering each day. I don't want to get comfortable to the point of complacency. I want to learn to let go of my desire for control and embrace His plans for even the 'ordinary' parts of my day..."making the most of every opportunity." I don't want to find my security in a schedule or a group, but in Him alone.
Good thing there's a lot of Summer left! :-)