All of this time together leaves my head spinning about what I should be dialing up and what I should be dialing down. I am too THIS and not enough THAT. I should do more of whatever and less of whatever else. It is exhausting. To make matters worse, when left unchecked my brain starts making these same lists for my little people. He's too... She's too... He's too...
This is not the Mom I want to be. It's my JOB to train them up, right? Training requires examining where you are versus where you ultimately want to end up and coaching the gap, right? But sometimes I wonder where the line is between productive examination and non--productive criticism. Especially when dealing with little souls and wills that I can't truly change apart from God's work on their hearts.
I read a great reminder from author Gary Thomas last week: "If you can’t celebrate & enjoy raising a sinful kid, you can’t enjoy any child, for the simple reason that there aren't any sinless kids."
There aren't any sinless Mamas either. :-)
Besides, what standard am I to use in the Too Much vs. Not Enough game anyway? A parenting book? Peers? The Bible? The appropriate Christian answer is the Holy Bible, and yet, it doesn't get very quantitative on matters of self control, patience, kindness...how much is enough? Don't even get me started on the verse that says: "Be perfect as your Father in heaven is perfect."
I have been praying a lot about this and asking God to peel back the layers and help me understand what is really at the root of my issues: The answer is (as usual) my pride and my selfishness.
Summer leaves me unable to keep the 'order' I prefer. My kitchen is a wreck from preparing three meals a day. Books, games, toys and bikes are strewn about my home and yard. People are actually living here instead of checking in and out around 8 hours of school. Truly, that is a blessing to be celebrated.
But, it has caused me to confront the illusion that I have it together. Our Summer schedule rocks my comfortable routine. It doesn't allow the quiet (me) time at home alone to keep things 'together' that being a full-time homemaker with school aged children allows me during the academic year. Confronting that illusion seems to be exactly where God wants me. He is able to show up in His strength and provision, when I am forced to admit my weakness and my need.
I cannot be perfect. My children cannot be perfect. I know that...and yet I still get on the hamster wheel of trying. Being humbled and recognizing afresh my need for God is a gift. When I try to parent on my own strength I will grow weary, I will stumble and my ego will be bruised.
When I let go of all of my prideful expectations and submit daily (moment-by-moment) to the leadership of my Heavenly Father, He will honor that--and the fruit will be FAR better than anything I had managed to conjure up or squeeze out apart from Him.
I confess my need and reach out for His help. I take a deep breath, exhale and trust Him at His Word.
7 comments:
I've been at this Mom thing for almost 8 years now and I just keep WAITING to become magically unselfish.
Waiting...stilllll waiting....
Breathe deep. . inhale. . exhale. J, I think you are doing a wonderful job. Just yesterday morning, before I even read this, I saw them on the front row singing praise songs during the service. It was a precious tender moment and I thought I should remind you "that's what it's all about". They are growing into such awesome little people. Don't worry!
w
I am a mother of one and I feel the same way about "lack of order" in the summer. I finaly gave in to the clutter of summer! Enjoy your childrwn soon they will be so busy and out of the house.
ME TOO.
As a therapist with two young foster children, I think I overanalyze everything. I can't let them just play, I'm constantly pushing them toward activities that will work on this gross motor skill or that fine motor skill, or how much time did we spend on physical activity today? Oh, I think it's time for some cognitive development... etc. Sometimes I have to stop and ask myself am I just their therapist or their mother? Maybe it's okay sometimes to just let them be kids, even if they aren't choosing to do anything I'd consider productive...
Oh, JMOM: My FAVORITE thing about your blog is your absolute transparency and honesty. I am done with the "Mommy of children" phase of my life, but your words stirred the same memories in me. I always talked to my students the last day of school about how it will take awhile for there to be a routine at home for the summer and to be kind to Mom. Ah...re-entry...We all share that balancing act. I was very introspective and organized (and a teacher, to boot!), so summer "down time" took time for adjustment. I remember one summer thinking my biggest goal would be to look my kids in the eyes when they told me stories and talked to me. It was a very successful summer. :) We are ALL in this together. You are doing a GREAT job raising WONDERFUL children.
Hi, I just read your blog for the first time today and thought Wow, How did I find this when my daughter and I had just talked about her girls getting out of school for the summer. I think a lot of Moms wonder and put stress on themselves whether they are doing a good job at being a mom or what they should be doing different. I am know a grandmother and I wish I had slowed down in life when my children were smaller and just took things less serious and realized that a book out of place or a dirty cup in the sink was something that really could have been something not to stress about. Life moves way to fast and then they become a mom themselves and you wonder WHY OH WHY didn't I just SLOW down and cherish every second instead of every minute. Enjoy your summer with them, they will be back in school and then before you know it you will be visiting their home to see your grand baby. Time Flies but your home will always be there.
I am struggling with the same thing. Thanks so much for sharing!
Post a Comment