I wake up in my upper middle class home with a loving husband and three snuggly children. I ship them off dressed in their uniforms for a college-prep education.
The seven hours they spend in school is spent either managing my home or at the group home, working to provide a better life for adolescents whose days begin quite differently than mine.
They live in dorm style rooms, often roommates with non-family members. Many of them have little to no contact with their biological parents--a surprising majority don't even know who their biological father is, not even a name. They are largely on vo-tech tracks. Holding down a job of any sort and avoiding incarceration and a life-long dependence on public assistance will be a huge success. The idea of college for most is as foreign and unlikely as it is expected for my offspring.
Yesterday I literally rushed from comforting a young victim of sexual assault to my children's elementary school for a meeting about the Fall Festival. In less than 10 minutes I went from trying to wrap my head around a minor's encounter with a man 12 years her elder she had met on the Internet to trying to get excited about bobbing for apples with 32 kindergartners.
Tonight was not much different. I came in from enjoying an after school play date in the backyard to find multiple messages from a 13 year old I have grown very close to at the group home. I spoke to him for a while on the way to the local fair with my family. On the way home 2 hours later I received word that he had been admitted for a psych evaluation at a local hospital. After tucking my children in with sweet prayers and goodnight kisses I left to take on the craziness of the late night ER and a kid whose parents have walked away from him and multiple siblings to pursue their own paths.
I have a hard time wrapping my mind around the inequity of it all. While my children are upstairs dreaming of candied apples and baby cows, this kid is in an ER room waiting to see where he will be moved next. He will likely spend the night on a pallet in the DFCS office tonight as a placement is sought. He will almost certainly start over in another school, still without the company of any of his siblings all because of his anger problem. Honestly, if I have been through what he has experienced in the last few months--I would be pretty ticked off too. I am angry for him.
There is so much to this story that is infuriating. It is simply not my story to tell. I just don't get what is going through his mother and father's heads. Only sin can explain how parents can walk away from their children and leave those minors to work it out for themselves. He is a baby. He has had no control over the fact that his parents who brought him into this world have chosen to walk away and let the state figure out what to do with him and his siblings next. These kids are a handful--angry, disobedient, uncooperative. They just want some measure of control back over their lives.
I wish I had a nice big bow to wrap this up in. Tonight I am spent and my heart just aches.
As I looked at my small framed, young friend perched on that big hospital bed with well intentioned adults coming in and out with clipboards in an effort to determine what is in his best interest, I saw a picture of what is most tragic about our system. If you take your eyes off eternity, all you see is this frightened boy (a human life full of promise and potential) floating nervously around in a big system. I must cling to my faith that God has his eye on him.
I left my young friend tonight all I could do was remind him that he is loved. That his anger is understandable, but that I am confident there is a future for him. I looked him in the eye and recited Jeremiah 29:11.
"For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future."
I know it was probably hard for him to believe.
As I drove home I told God how confused I was by the inequity. I asked God to help me really believe there was redemption to be found in this painful, devastating early chapter of my little buddy's life. I was reminded of Joseph--thrown in a pit, then sold into slavery by his own brothers. God redeemed it. I pray the same will be true for my young friend.
This world is broken and desperately in need of a Savior. Come quickly, Lord.
"For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future."
I know it was probably hard for him to believe.
As I drove home I told God how confused I was by the inequity. I asked God to help me really believe there was redemption to be found in this painful, devastating early chapter of my little buddy's life. I was reminded of Joseph--thrown in a pit, then sold into slavery by his own brothers. God redeemed it. I pray the same will be true for my young friend.
This world is broken and desperately in need of a Savior. Come quickly, Lord.
11 comments:
I will pray for your young friend. My heart breaks hearing just the snippet of his story that you've shared. I'm praising God for your faithfulness in showing these children, His children, the love of Jesus.
My heart breaks for these children. As a former child mental health worker and current child welfare attorney, I understand how tempting it is to describe the parents' terrible, inexcusable behavior as sin. Clearly the parents are sinners, as are we all, but there is sometimes a greater context.
In my experience, in many cases, the boys and girls you are writing about today will become the parents of the boys and girls you will write about in 15 years. If that angry, hurt 13-year-old boy becomes an angry, hurt adult or semi-adult father, ill-prepared to raise a child, it's hard for me to say that "Only sin can explain how parents can walk away from their children and leave those minors to work it out for themselves."
That may not be the situation in the case - I'm sorry if I'm speaking out of turn. I understand the frustration and heartbreak that can often come from living the "double life."
Amen! The inequity....eating breakfast "out" with my children in their private school uniforms while homeless women congregate on the other side of the plate glass window....and I just wrote "come quickly Lord" on my blog tonight too :-). May He bind up the broken hearted. Thanks for being a "family" to the lonely.
Meredith- Thanks for your comment 'from the trenches.' I don't think you are speaking out of turn AT ALL. Honestly, I know this is a terrible cycle brought on by poverty, addiction, abuse, lack of social support, poor mental health and coping skills. It is an extremely complicated societal problem.
I guess when I speak of sin I should point out I don't mean situational sin--like one choice they made led to all these other things. I know that would be a gross oversimplification. I am referring to sin in the larger context of greed, selfishness, gluttony, lack of love, godlessness, loss of our place as needed members in the larger community (body of Christ). I am referring to sin in terms of our overall rebelliousness towards the way God intended life to be in the garden.
I hope that makes more sense.
Jmom,
I totally agree with your discussion that "sin" is what causes these parents to "leave" their own offspring to pursue the world. I so appreciate Meredith's perspective from the trenches as well.
I sometimes feel I live a double life too, except I am expected to somehow co-mingle it all into one world all under my roof!!! I have had kids like your 13 year old friend living with my sweet babies and have had to see the anger and how it challenges their daily decisions. Two girls watched their mother drive from the courthouse steps in the car of the man that had sexually abused them. DFCS gave the mom a choice, and she made it. The report I am getting now is that one girl is living in her car and with friend to friend because she can't maintain "life". Even after love, stability, security, and learning about God for seven years with us . she is bruised. I am too fearful she will become her own mother. She is so damaged now, she won't let us in and has rejected "real" love for satisfying her heart with the world. Heart. breaking.
I am only sharing my story to say, I can totally empathize with you and where you are with these children. While it feels like a double life suburbia vs. Jerry Springer show, it's really where God has called you to be. . and you are doing it. Hang in there, keep serving, and keep having those discussions with HIM. He will answer you. I will never forget one night at dusk after a horrible incident had happened to one of our girls. . I was in my driveway, and I cried out loud to God, "Why have to done this?. . You said if we followed you, you would bless us, I am so hurt God that you allowed this to happen to us." It was an audible answer in my soul.. . . "this time this is not about you, Wendy, this is about her, this is about ME redeeming her, to me. .this is her story, not yours". Sometimes we are simply the instrument in the bigger picture.
With love and prayers for your heartache,
w
My heart just hurts and aches after reading this story. I have often wondered how parents can "do that" to their children. I'm sure you are a blessing to his life and making a difference so that he will not become a part of the cycle, rather he will break the cycle and become a happy, healthy, productive member of God's Kingdom!
Once again you spoke from your heart and I have also been wrestling with this double life and asking God what is my purpose in all of this! Thank you for being real, for loving those that are alone, for being an inspiration to so many and serving the Kingdom for eternity. You may not get the answers you want, but know you are doing great work and the rewards will far outweigh the heartache. Blessings!
I've commented before about how I feel like I see some of "your kids" five years later, when I serve in our church's outreach to women who work in the s*x industry. It's so hard to leave the clubs after hearing their stories and go home to my loving husband, safe house, and three innocent children. I often feel a kind of guilt for the life I've been given . . . because so many of them come from chaotic, abusive backgrounds.
All that to say, you are making a difference for Christ, even when it may not be evident. I am certain that the love you show these kids will be a reminder that there is another kind of life that is possible. I pray that you will meet some of your kids in heaven someday . . .
i come to your blog each day and its amazing at how just the right time God gives you just the right things to say. I have been working in child welfare through the state for several years. I am about to turn 30 and the me at 20 would not recognize this girl. I have been so damaged and received secondary trauma from what I have experienced in this job. I have lost hope that there is any good in this world. People are horrible. I do not understand people who break their babies bones, molest them, and scar them for life. I then get ANGRY at the system that does not protect these kids. I feel so helpless and can not understand how people are "ok" with a child dying in order to learn a lesson. There are problems now, these children are not safe. and yet nothing happens......
so sad. my heart is heavy all the time.
i look for other jobs (literally for like 3 yrs) and nothing pans out. Which makes me feel that God wants me here, but I am not living. I have dedicated my 20's to this field and for what? I have no time to do anything but this job. I am constantly worried about nieces and nephews because I know how horrible people are.
sorry for ranting....came home for a lunch break after a FRUSTRATING morning and saw your blog.
thanks (as always) for sharing your heart Jennifer.
Wow, I've just accepted a social work job in a hospital and know it will be drawn out some days. I feel like it is the Lords leading to stretch me, but I have to keep trusting him through it all. I took in all your words on this post and completely understand your heart ache.
Gosh. This is just heartbreaking. I don't understand how parents can do that, unless you think of sin. How horrible for this little boy to endure the punishment of his parents' poor choices.
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