I am always mindful that the things I write on this blog are public. I have no control over where the travel and how they are interpreted once I hit publish. Since my children already read excerpts occasionally, I am increasingly careful that they cannot be hurt by what I write.
With all that being said, I want to write about what is weighing on me tonight and it relates to discipline issues with my children. Specifically, I am dealing with sneakiness with one of them and very disrespectful sassiness with another right now. (Parents of tweens and teens, I know it is only going to get worse. No need to remind me. :-) That is actually what really scares me!)
I am learning a lot about the human condition and sin as I walk through these discipline issues. My sneaky child has their 'busted and deeply repentant' look down to a science. It is available at the flip of a switch and can be fairly convincing. I have to really work hard at not being manipulated by this particular look, especially when it is combined with "I don't know why my bwain keeps telling my body to do that. I didn't see myself doing it."
It is really precious. Except that this particular child knowingly engages in acts of sneakiness (lying) and rebellion. There is not much precious about that.
The sassiness, on the other hand, is anything but precious. I am an 'old school' mama that values respectfulness. Yet, I have a very verbal, headstrong, passionate child who truly thinks they are smarter than me and acts accordingly. This little person blatantly disregards my instructions in lieu of their own plan. I have actually asked said child a couple of times in the last few days if they think they know more than me and the response has been, "Yes." Yikes! I am going to be in BIG trouble during adolescence at this rate.
I am really, really trying to nip it in the bud. I listen and talk when respectable tones are used. Yelling and fit pitching never result in the child's desired outcome--and yet it persists.
Tonight, I sent said child to bed 30 minutes early because of the pattern of disrespect. Once the crying and screaming had dissipated I went in to talk with my precious child, who apologized, loved all over me, prayed for forgiveness and promised to do better tomorrow. After my baby fell asleep I ran my hand across that little forehead and kissed that sweet brown head, praying that tomorrow will be a better day.
Ironically, this particular child is the one who most frequently professes their love for me, insists on sitting next to me at every opportunity, loves to hold my hand. The one who acts as if they love me the most is the one who (in this season) is most hurtful.
It doesn't make sense apart from the fact that they are children and they are sinners. Amazingly, because I am a parent, I don't love them any less regardless of how they hurt my feelings or let me down. It is my love for them that keeps me coming back with more love, grace--and appropriate discipline.
Tonight in a moment of frustration, I quietly confronted my sassy child. "You tell me you love me, so why do talk to me in such a hurtful way?"
"I just don't know, Mommy," was the reply.
And because I am also a child and a sinner, I even understand that explanation. Don't we all have mistakes we make over and over again? We know better. We can't explain why we keep returning to that behavior. I echo Paul's sentiments:
"I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out." Romans 7:15-18 NIV
God is reminding me over and over that this whole experience of parenting was never intended for my glory, but for my humility. As I walk this path I am continually reminded of how broken I am and how desperately I need my God. As I get just a glimpse of His heart as parent to fallen, sinful, sneaky, sassy and rebellious children I am exceedingly grateful that He never gives up on us.
I am challenged to go and love with that kind of love--not just for my children, but for all of His children that I interact with every day.
11 comments:
I don't know you, but I have enjoyed reading your blog. My kids are 8 and 9 now and when they both were about 5 to 6 years old they each went through lying. One more than the other. We taught them that the reason that we tell the truth is that God is Truth. As Christians, we want to grow to be more like Christ and one of the ways we do that is to tell the truth because Christ is "the Way, the Truth, and the Life." (There are other verses that refer to God as Truth.) We eventually introduced the topic that Satan is the father of lies and when we lie, we are choosing to listen to Satan rather than be like Christ. Now we have moved to teaching them to love the Truth more than anything else. More than choosing to be afraid of the punishment if then confess something, more than trying to hide things, more than choosing the easy way of not confessing something, we choose to love the Truth. I love seeing growth in my kids as they make the hard choices to love the Truth. From what I read, you do a wonderful job with your kids, and your love for God and his Word is encouraging to me.
Thanks.
Something that worked for me during the sassy phase was for me to literally walk away from my child. Of course I only did this if we were at home - I never walked away from them in a public place where they would not be safe. But, because I could not seem to come up with a way to get the back talk to end, I turned my back and left the room. One time I even left the dinner table and said "I will not stay here for you to speak to me that way." And yes, this was with a first grader.
It really helped.
And it gave me good practice for this teenage phase of life. I simply tell them I do not deserve their rude attitude and I walk away. It sinks in with my kids.
Let me encourage you about the "it gets worse" mindset. It's really not that bad - these teenage years. Yes there are challenges, but there are many many things about this phase that are wonderful and so much easier than when they were little.
I know you are consistent and prayerful in your parenting. Hang in there. You are doing a great jog.
Thank you for teaching your children respect! I worked with a child who was only 9 y/o who was one of the most disrespectful children I have ever met! His mother has her head buried in the sand and believes all of her child's lies about what a perfect child he is. If she does not turn this around, he could be in serious trouble before too long which would be really sad. Oh, when asked/told to do something, he will look you directly in the eye and say, "NO!" I was NEVER raised like this and just cannot believe children today!
I believe that parenting is so difficult for one reason...to keep us on our knees in prayer. The verse "Pray without ceasing," has never been easier as it is now that I am a parent of a very stong willed child.
I have no words of wisdom other than to reccomend a book that my husband's aunt sent to us when we were having these same issues with our oldest. She was around 3 1/2 at the time (she's now 8). The Strong Willed Child by Dr. Dobson has helped me more than I can say. My husband's aunt said she went through more than one copy when her daughter was a toddler/preschooler. Looking at her now, I know they did something right becuase she has grown into a beautiful Christian woman, inside and out.
You know, we were just talking about this in Sunday School this morning. Lying and rebellion are directly from the heart of the enemy and so it is definitely vital that the consequence be swift and attention getting.
That said, it is entirely up to you what that consequence is. However, just a thought, do you talk to them about the sin factor and make them confess it and pray about it? Do you pray with them in good times and have them ask for the strength to not do these things? I am really kind of pondering this as I type so I'm not indicating that I think you have or haven't done these things. I have a daughter that is just a couple of months younger than your kiddos and I'm trying to think about how I'll handle these issues if they arise. My boys are all teenagers and I wasn't walking with the Lord when they were small so I didn't handle things the same as I am trying to do with her.
Right there with you on this one. My 6 year old, laid back, calm child is being the sassy one more than my strong-willed, independent 5 year old child. Don't get me wrong, the 5 yo can get sassy too, but the 6 yo is very defiant and disobedient more than I ever thought he would be, which is not his personality. I am taking notes and going to put into action some of the advice I'm reading here.
Hang in there J-- both my older boys went thru a sassy and sneaky season around 5 and 6...you just keep doing what you are doing and it WILL produce good fruit :)
My only words of wisdom are what has worked for me...sometimes! When my child went through the phase of lying, I made the mistake of asking the question about whatever the situation was. Almost inviting the lie. Even when I knew what was what. Don't give them the chance to lie. Tell them you know exactly what happened - first. My kids eventually learned that lying is one of the worst things they can do - lying gets them into more trouble. Telling the truth about the situation makes life much "easier" in the long run.
As far as sassiness goes I am open to advice!
Good luck! Love your blog by the way.
The twins will be 4 next month and the sassiness and disrespect is overwhelming at times. I am on my knees a lot lately........Lord help me I am at a loss. I have taken things/privledges and then we have try the reward system but should we reward our children for not being mean and sassy and showing respect? We sing their praises when they do "right". But any suggestions are more then welcome!
JMOM, You are doing a great job! Hang in there and you will reap your rewards! ;)
Blessings and hugs!
As often happens when I check in, this is a very timely topic for our family. I am humbled to admit that I have not handled every situation of lying, sassiness, and know it all-ness (I have one too!) with grace. It has been a learning experience for all of us. But tonight as I spent a few extra minutes with a child who was sent to bed early after making a very poor choice, I knew his little heart was hurting because he was genuinely remorseful for his action (and that is not always the case as I am sure you know!). And I was convicted about how often I impulsively make a poor choice only to feel literally ill about it afterwards - and I was reminded of the grace that is always here for me and for my sweet little boys.
It doesn't make it easy or right but I think these are age appropriate challenges because you could have easily been writing about my three in this post!
I broke out the love and logic in full force today, we are having behavior issues here too. Alot of blatant disobedience, but L and L is working already, I just have to stick with it.
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